I Want A Love...

I watched The Notebook for the first time recently. I had always heard about the awesome love story starring Allie and Noah, so I decided to watch it and guess what...it made me cry. I'm a sucker for a good love story

When Harry Met Sally

Sabrina

Knocked Up (Yes, it's a love story!)

Say Anything

I could go on and on. My favorites are the ones that are a little quirky and the people have some random meeting, blah, blah, blah. I'm even a huge fan of the love song and no one does a good love song like country artists. One of my favorites is Johnny and June. Heidi Newfield talks about how she wants a love like Johnny and June (of course she's speaking of Johnny Cash and June Carter-Cash.)

But here's my favorite love story of all time...

Whenever you asked Betty, "How did you and Bob meet?" She would always respond with a grin and say, "An accident call and a little pair of red shorts."

It was 1949, a 19 year old Betty was in the car with her sister Bonnie. They were driving along, minding their own business and a little boy on his bicycle darted out in front of them, and Bonnie hit the little boy with her car. (Don't worry, he was OK. I want to say it broke his leg, but I'm not sure.) Of course, after an accident like that the police were called out. One of the two policemen that responded to the accident call was a very handsome, 25 year old named Bob. After interviewing Betty and Bonnie, the officers let the women go about their business, but not before Bob found out that Betty was 19 years old, had just graduated high school and was visiting her sister for the summer. He also found out that Betty did not have a drivers license. Betty overheard Bob tell the other officer that she was way too young for him , but that she was going to make a good wife one day. The town that Bonnie lived in was a small town, east of Houston. The grocery store was maybe three miles away. Even though Betty didn't have a license she would occasionally take Bonnie's car to the store and as soon as she would pull onto the main street in town, there was Bob and his partner, siren blaring and lights flashing pulling her over. Once she pulled over, Bob would always get out and ask her the same thing, "Have you gotten your drivers license yet?" To which she would reply, "No, are you going to give me a ticket this time?" And he would tell her, "No." And she said she always responded with, "Then why do you keep pulling me over?" He would just grin and tell her, "Go get your license." This went on all summer, Bob finally asked her out, six months later they were married on December 22, 1949. And they were married until Betty's death in March of 1997.

In those 47 1/4 years, they moved to San Antonio, had three children and then moved to Houston and then shortly after that moved to Channelview. I got to see the last 21 years of their marriage. Some of my favorite Betty and Bob moments...

I love that Betty always called Bob "sha."
I love that they still played grab ass in the kitchen well into their 60's.
I love that they always kissed each other and said I love you before either one of them left the house.
I love the fact that Bob gave Betty a toilet seat for Christmas one year and she absolutely adored it and said that is was just what she needed.
I love the fact that she got pissed off that he gave her a new microwave for Christmas the next year because, "There was nothing wrong the old microwave."
I love the fact Betty would put her hair in rollers and Bob would meticulously apply the permanent solution to every roller on her head.
I love that Bob would call Betty "Edith" all Archie Bunker like.
I love that Betty never knew how to put gas in her own vehicle and would let Bob know when she was at a quarter of a tank and I love that Bob would grab her keys and take her car to the gas station and fill it up.

As you've probably already guessed, Betty was my Nanny and Bob is my Paw Paw. So, Heidi Newfield, I don't want a love like Johnny and June...I want a love like Betty and Bob.

Until next time...

Mandy

Christmas with the Paw Paw

Sunday was Christmas with the Paw Paw and his wife Dean in Smith Point, TX. Now, you probably don't know where Smith Point is, not many people do...it's at the end of the Earth. Seriously, you take I10 to Anahuac make a right and drive until you hit water. It takes a little over an hour to get there and this is the first year my family and I didn't get lost going over the river and through the woods. We usually get there around 1:30 and leave before it gets dark...because no one wants to try to find there way back to I10 after dark. My whole family was there and there was a lot of laughing and cutting up. Here are some of the funnier moments from yesterday...

I was standing on the front porch talking to my sister and Victor comes running up the stairs onto the porch and he was looking behind him to see if someone was chasing him. All of a sudden, I feel something hit me in the ass...it was Victor's face. When he turned around, he ran right into my ass, ricocheted off and fell on his ass. He then proceeded to get up and inform me that I had a fat butt. Thank you Victor, I was unaware of that little factoid.

A couple of weeks ago, Paw Paw told Mom that we were not to buy him any gifts. He said that with the economy as bad as it is right now, we need to save our money. So, when she showed up with a gift, he gave her the stink eye. He opened the gift and it was Bill O'Reilly's Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity.

Paw Paw: I told you no gifts.
Mom: Oh, hush.
Mandy: Tell Paw Paw the back story on the book.
Mom: Well, that was supposed to be one of your gifts from last year. When I bought it, I hid it and forgot about it. I found it a couple of weeks ago. So, there ya go.
Paw Paw: But this is an old book.
Mom: It's not that old, it's still on the best seller list.
Paw Paw: But it's like a year old.
Mom: I know, I bought it last year.
Paw Paw: I told you no gifts.
Mom: Have you read it?
Paw Paw: No.
Mom: Then shut up or I'll take it back.

My mom and I were sitting on the porch with Jerob and Jereth.

Jereth (the nine year old): I want to spend the night.
Mandy: You need to go tell Paw Paw that you want to stay here tonight.
Jereth: Jerob, do you want to spend the night with Paw Paw tonight.
Jerob (the twelve year old): No.
Jereth: Why not.
Jerob: Dude, we don't have any clothes and THEY'RE not going to come get us tomorrow.
Jereth: Mom will come and get us.
Jerob: Dude, mom can't find her way back here and Mandy and Me Me have to work...we'd be stuck here.

I love seeing my Paw Paw. And he's finally able to walk around without the help of cane. Looks like titanium joints are the way to go!

Me and the Paw Paw!

Until next time...

Mandy

The Lothario

I know how much all you enjoy my Willie stories.

Today, Willie came in looking for my boss, but the boss wasn't here yet.

Willie: Hey Clydesdale, where's Mark?
Me: I don't know, his phone is off.
Willie: I really need to talk to him. I'm going to leave him a note.
Me: OK.
Silence
Me: Willie, I thought you told me you were divorced.
Willie: *with a sly grin* I am.
Me: You're wearing a wedding ring.
Willie: This isn't a wedding ring.
Me: Right.
Willie: Seriously, I started wearing this because when I took my wedding ring off I had the tan band.
Me: A likely story Willie.
Willie: It's true...when you going to let me take you out?
Me: Sorry, Willie, I started seeing someone a couple of months ago.
Willie: Alright, Clydesdale. You just let me know when you want me to take you out...you know I'll treat you real good.
Me: I know you would, Willie.

So, without further ado, here is a photo of me and the infamous...WILLIE!



Until next time...

Mandy

I am so hot and sexy

Not much to say at the moment. But here's a funny little exchange that happened yesterday morning between The Guy and myself...

We were laying in bed talking on a lazy Sunday morning.

Me: Ughhh, my nose won't quit itching!!!
The Guy: Uh oh, I hope you're not getting sick.
Me: I doubt it, I'm slightly allergic to Christmas trees so I get sneezy and stuffy at this time every year.
The Guy: (Turning to look at me.) You're allergic to pine trees.
Me: (Turning to look at him) Yeah.
The Guy: (Pointing at my nose.) You have a booger.
Me: OH MY GOD!

And with that, I shot up out of bed and ran to the ladies' room to blow my nose.

Nothing says hot and sexy like something hanging out of your nose.

I guess we've reached a whole new comfort level in our relationship.

Until next time...

Mandy

What's in a Name

I want to change my name. No, not my first name because Amanda is the most awesome name in the whole world. I'm talking about my last name.

I hate my last name! Seriously, hate doesn't even begin to express how much I dislike my last name...if you combine hate, loathe and detest that might come close to how I feel about my last name. You see, my last name is the only tie that I have to my sperm donor. It pisses me off that I'm walking around with HIS name. When I was growing up, I begged my mother to change our last name to her maiden name, she would always tell me, "Mandy, you're going to get married one day and your last name is going to change. Just be patient." And I've been patient...but let's face it, I'm 33 years old, I've never been married...I've never even been engaged. Every birthday that goes by, is another year that I have to have that man's last name. I mean seriously, the damn thing ends with an x and it's mispronounced ALL. THE. TIME!

When I told the mother of my thoughts on changing my last name, she asked me what I would change it to. I mean, if I go with her maiden name then my name will be a little rhymey and people would expect me to speak Spanish more so than they do now. I thought maybe I could go to the nanny's maiden name, but her maiden name is french, my sister's middle name and it gets mispronounced as much, if not more, than my current name. And here is another dilemma...I've been in the same industry for almost 10 years and I've had customers follow me from one distributor to another, so they know me as Amanda Sperm Donor's last name.

What to do, what to do...

Until next time...

Mandy

They're trying to speak to me!

I think my appliances are out to get me, one by one. Last October I posted this about my dishwasher. For about a month after the dishwasher incident I was scared to use it, so I hand washed everything until the mother told me to get a grip and loaded the dishwasher and started it.

Now, I think my microwave is trying to talk to me.

Let me explain...

About six months ago, I was asleep and around 2a I was woken up by a strange beeping in my house. At first, I thought maybe I needed to change the batteries in my smoke detector, then I realized, no probably not, I've never changed those batteries and they're probably deader than a doornail. So, I get up and follow the strange beeping...I walked down the stairs, through the living room and into my kitchen and that's when I realized my microwave was beeping and beeping LOUD! Not only was there a weird beeping, but I had accidentally left the microwave door open and, it's hard to explain, but the door open and the light coming on and shining on the wall and the cabinet was WAY creepy! I slowly walked over to the microwave and closed the door and the beeping started coming faster! So, in one swift move I unplugged the microwave, and your going to think I'm crazy, but as I was reaching for the plug I start saying in my head...

"Please quit beeping when I unplug you, please quit beeping when I unplug you!"

And it did. So, I went back upstairs and went back to bed.

That weekend, I plugged the microwave back in and that night the same thing happened. So, I got in the habit of keeping the microwave unplugged while not in use. Then I started noticing that when I was heating up my Spagetti-o's it would start beeping at me while the heating up was in progress. This was really starting to freak me out! So, then I started heating up soup, spagettin-o's and raviolis (yes, I know, I eat crap) on the stove.

One night, the guy asked me, "Why don't you heat that up in the microwave?" That's when I told him about the beeping and that I had come to the conclusion that something from beyond was trying to contact me using Morse Code, and I don't speak Morse so I think the fast beeping is them yelling the code at me. (This should tell you how awesome and patient he is) He looked and as serious as he could be...

The Guy: Mandy, have you set the time on your microwave?
Me: No, I don't think I ever have.
The Guy: That could be why it's beeping. Have you looked in your owner's manual?
Me: No, I'm not even sure where that is. I might have thrown it away.
The Guy: So you just put it up there, plugged it in and started heating things up? Didn't read the manual or anything?
Me: Nope, it's a microwave, you plug it in, stick the food in there, and hit start. Why would I need an owner's manual for that.
The Guy: I have a feeling that might be what it is, I don't think anyone is trying to contact you through Morse Code.
Me: Well, I'm not chancing it.

I haven't tried setting the time yet...maybe I'll try that this weekend.

Until next time...

Mandy

I'm Alive!

Hello, my faithful blog followers. Sorry for the lack of posts lately. A lot has been going on, not so much with me, but with friends of mine.

I'm pretty proud of the fact that I'm "drama-free" and I think I've figured out why God has made my life so stressless. (I'm not sure if that's a word or not, but I'm going with it.) Apparently, I was put on Earth to absorb some of my friends problems. I was talking with the mother and told her that this is the first time in my adult life that my friends' problems are more than, "Why didn't he call? He said he was going to call! I slept with him and I never heard from him again! BOO HOO HOO." No, now it's real shit! In the past month this is what I've been there for...

1. A set of friends that are going through a divorce. I am friends with both parties and so I have heard both sides. The male half of the couple started dating a girl very shortly after they split and he has recently broken up with her. So, not only is he dealing with the end of his marriage he's also dealing with the end of a relationship that got way serious way fast.

2. Another friend, who is divorced, is now dealing with serious issues with their ex and most likely is going to go through a very long, drawn out custody fight.

3. Another friend called me at the beginning of October and told me that his addiction to pills had reared it's ugly head and that he was going to go through a month long outpatient rehab type thing.

On a happy note, I have been seeing a guy for the past two months, everything is good and he's pretty awesome and I like him a lot. And that's all I'm going to say about him at this point. I haven't mentioned him here because it seems like whenever I mention a new guy on this little blog, and I get all excited about the prospect of a new guy it blows up in my face. So, I'm going to keep him under wraps for a little while longer.

One thing everyone should know about me...I am a worrier! MASSIVE WORRIER! So much so, that my mother doesn't tell me things until she knows if there is something to worry about or not because she knows that I will sit there and freak out until I get the all clear. The worrying got so bad this weekend that when I was on the phone with the guy he told me he could tell something was wrong and I just busted out crying and said, "I just want everyone's life to get back to normal, I'm worried about everyone and all this stuff is happening and the holidays are coming up blah, blah, blah." He told me that it might be time to step back from my friends and let them know that I'm not actually a licensed therapist and that other people's problems shouldn't bring me to tears.

I know all this, but this is in my nature and you can't change that. I'm a firm believer in friends are the family that you pick. And when anyone in my family is hurt, then I will hurt with them.

Until next time...

Mandy

I'm Famous

The same night that I went out with Molly and Holly, I did something that not many people can say they've done...

I silenced an entire bar with one statement.

The bar that we have grown to love is awesome. It has a very cool vibe and a very eclectic mix of people that range from a singer in a band to a woman with a PHD on a dart league. They only sell beer, wine and coffee, but they don't sell Budweiser or Miller Lite or any of the other "regular" beers. They do, however, carry an extensive line of Abita Beer, Lone Star (one of my personal favorites) and here's one that I tried last weekend that has now become one of my favorites Atlantic Brewing Company Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale. They also have an impressive wine list...and Molly, who is not a wine drinker, has become very fond of a German wine that we're not really sure what the name is but the bartender knows when she says she wants a glass of Edelweiss Weinerschnitzel what to give her.

The inside of the bar is very cool and chic, but since Houston has a non-smoking ordinance, everyone usually stands outside and mingles amongst each other, hopping from patio table to patio table. The last time we were there, there was someone bbq'ing in front of the bar and somehow we ended up with a rather large plate of grilled pork and pineapple on our table...it was delicious, by the way!

So, let me get back to my "Stop the Presses" moment...

It was later in the evening and I had had a couple of the Blueberry Ales and I walked into the bar to order another one, there was about 12-15 people in the bar...

Me: Hey Cory, can I get another Blueberry Ale?
Cory: Yeah, hang on just a minute.
Me: Is that Radiohead?
Cory: Yeah.
Me: Oh. My. God. I HATE RADIOHEAD!

REAAAAAAAAAAA

Everyone stopped talking and looked at me.

Me: What?
Cory: You hate Radiohead?
Me: Uhh, yeah. I would rather gouge out both my eyeballs with a Bic pen than listen to them.
Cory and the other patrons are staring at me like I just said something horrible about the Baby Jesus.
Me: Seriously, Thom York sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher talking...wha wha wha wha.
Cory: I can't believe you don't like Radiohead.
Me: Sorry, dude. They are my ex's favorite band and I was made to listen to them constantly and I had to endure an entire concert with them and their pretentious fans.
Guy sitting next to me: So you've seen them live?
Me: Yeah, and I will say they sound just like their CD, which is impressive, but I think their fans are more annoying than they are.
GSNM: Wow, I hate it when people get all pretentious about bands.
Me: Yeah, thank you!

Cory gives me my beer and I walk back outside...it was shortly after this that I ended up in the hatchback.

So, Saturday night, Molly and Holly went back out to the bar and this guy looked at her...

Guy: Are you the girl that doesn't like Radiohead?
Molly: No, I like Radiohead...that's my friend, Mandy that doesn't like them.

YAY, I'm famous! I am so getting a plain black shirt and in fuzzy white lettering it's going to say...

I'm the girl that hates Radiohead.

Until next time...

Mandy

The Dick Fairy!

*This entry contains language that could be offensive to some. Also, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent!*


I am a Dick Fairy. Seriously, when I go out with girlfriends, it's like I wave my magic wand and Bippity, Boppity, Boo...they get some! It's always been this way, I'm just good luck for these bitches.

Friday night, I went out with two of my girlfriends, Molly and Holly. We were at this very cool little bar in midtown that I have grown to love and these girls and I are slowly becoming regulars. Anyway, last week my friend, Molly (who is my age) made out with a 23 year old stand up bass player. (The mention of his instrument will come into play later in the story.) So, Friday night Molly and I were sitting on the patio and we were watching, Pete, load his instrument in the back of his Volkswagon Jetta Wagon. And then the text messages start...

Molly - Pete: We should hook up.
Pete - Molly: OK, Jackass and I are going to Warren's you should come with us.
Molly - Pete: Holly is talking to a guy in her car, so I don't have a way over there.
Pete - Molly: You can ride with us.
Molly - Pete: What about Mandy?
Pete - Molly: We can make room for her.

So, Molly looks at me and says, "Let's go!" To which I reply, "OK." So, we take Holly her purse and walk over to Pete's vehicle and find out the seating arrangement...

Pete in driver seat and his friend in passenger seat.
Molly in the seat behind Pete and top half of stand up bass in seat behind Pete's jackass friend.
bottom half of stand up bass in the right half of the hatchback and Mandy in the left half of the hatchback.

That's right people, I folded my 5'8" body in half and crawled, backwards, into the hatchback of a Volkswagon Jetta Wagon and had to share the space with the big end of a stand up bass. I looked like one of those plush Garfields with the suction cups on the feet that people used to put on their windows. I will say this, I have ridden in a hatchback before, but I was in my early 20's and when you're in your early 20's you don't think of the dangers...but in your early 30's everything bad that could happen races through your mind. This is all I could think...

OH HOLY JESUS! IF WE GET REAR ENDED ONE OF TWO THINGS IS GOING TO HAPPEN:

1. I WILL DIE.
2. I WILL BE SEVERELY MAIMED FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

So, we're driving through downtown Houston and I never realized how weird it would be to drive everywhere in reverse. We get to Warren's and Pete pops the hatch and helps peel me out and we go and find a spot at the bar. So, the seating arrangement is...

Molly, Pete, Me and Jackass.

So, Molly and Pete are talking and I find out that Jackass is a grad student, teaches cello lessons part-time, and wants to either be in the symphony or a professor when he grows up. Then, there's some awkward silence and I look at him and say...

Me: Look, I'm not trying to hit on you, I'm just trying to have a conversation.
Jackass: Well, you know, this place has a fabulous jukebox, maybe you should go and play some music.
Me: So, basically, you're telling me to go check out the jukebox and leave you the hell alone.
Jackass: Basically.
Me: OK. *grabbing my purse and pulling ones out and then picking up my drink* Fuck you (smiling sweetly.)

So, I go to the jukebox and play some music and walk back over to the bar and walk over to Molly...

Me: Give me a cigarette.
Molly: Mandy, no you've done too good.
Me: Bitch, you brought me here in a hatchback and sat me next to a jackass...give. me. a. cigarette!
Molly: OK...let's walk outside.

So, we're standing outside and I look at Pete and say...

Me: What's up with your friend, does he think I want to fuck him or something
Pete: No, he's just not all that impressed with you.
Me: Oh really? Well, as impressed as he is with me, I'm even less impressed with him. First of all, his face looks like his butt and...

I feel as though I need to preface the next statement with this one...I have never lived in a trailer park...

Me: Secondly, could you let him know that I wouldn't fuck him with someone else's pussy!
Molly: We need to go.
Me: Yes we do.

So, we walk back in and the bartender tells us our tab is $25. So I throw two $20's on the bar.

Molly: Mandy, you can't pay for everyone's drink.
Me: It's OK, I don't mind...I may not have a degree, but at least I have a fucking job.
I get my change, leave a $5 on the bar and look at Molly and Pete and say, "Let's go."

So, back at the car, I fold myself into the hatchback again so we can take jackass back to his apartment, when he's getting out of the vehicle he says...

"Had fun, Pete. Regardless."

To which I yell from the hatchback..."FUCK YOU!"

I'll admit, my exchange with the jackass was not one of my finer moments...but, I have this theory that it takes so much energy to be a total and complete dick, why not just be nice to people and use that energy for something else.

Anyway, after jackass gets out of the car, I get to get in the backseat...where the air conditioner vents can be felt!

So, we're driving back to Molly's house and once we get there I hand her the keys to my apartment and tell her to have fun and be careful!

The next morning when I get to my apartment, I walk upstairs and notice something shiny on the half-wall in my bedroom. So, I called Molly...

Me: Hey, the next time I see Pete I'm going to say, "What's up P.I.?"
Molly: Why would you say that?
Me: Because he left his Magnum condom wrapper on my half-wall!
Molly: OH MY GOD! Are you serious?
Me: Yep, good job!

After being single for the past 33 years I've learned one thing...Nice guys always travel with a jackass friend and somehow I always end up having to talk to the jackass while my friend talks to the nice one.

So, if you're in the Houston area and would like to "get lucky" call me...I'll go out with you, wave my magic wand and depending on our level of friendship give you free reign of my home...I'll even wash the sheets myself!

Until next time...

Mandy

How Are We Not Dead?

The majority of my stories from my past are funny but I do have some scary ones. Here's one that when I look back I say to myself, "Thank God we made it out of that one alive."

Channelview 1994 - Second semester of my senior year.

In 1994 Latischia and I started running around together. We were both really sheltered girls that thought we had a handle on everything. We thought everyone was basically good and even if they weren't good...we were indestructible.

We met these two guys one night and exchanged pager numbers. The boys came over to her house a couple of times and we all talked on the phone...we thought they were harmless.

One night, we get a page from them and when we called them back they asked us if we could do them a favor. When we asked what it was they said they needed us to drive them to Greenspoint to pick up some "cookies."

OK, for those of you who don't live in the Houston area, Greenspoint is pretty much the ghetto and back in 1994 it was even worse because they had not yet built the police substation. Laticshia and I, being the good girls from Channelview, had no idea that Greenspoint was bad. We never went that far north...there was never any reason to. And when they said they had to pick up cookies, I thought Nestle Tollhouse, drugs never even came to mind. So, we pick the boys up...Latischia was driving, and one of the boys asked me if I wanted to get something to drink for the ride. Being 18 and a novice when it came to alcohol consumption I said, "Sure, get me some Strawberry Hill." (I was 18, what do you expect...Boone's Farm was easy to come by.) So, we're driving to Greenspoint and I'm drinking my classy wine drink. We finally make it to Greenspoint and we go to some apartments, Tish and I are told to wait in the car and they will be right back...

A half an hour later, they get back in the car and tell us they need to go to their friend's house in Cloverleaf. (People not from East Harris County - Cloverleaf is almost as scary as Greenspoint...it's just more compact.) So, we drive to some crappy, little apartments - it wasn't even a complex, just some old house that was converted - and we all get out of the car and walk in. Remember, I have drank an entire bottle of very cheap, very bad wine so I'm drunk. We walk into the apartment and I see a guy that was friends with one of my exes, his name was Big Dave. We hug and say hi and then, the boy that bought the alcohol for me looks at me and says...

Him: Hey Mandy.
Me: What?
Him: Come here.
Me: OK.

He leads me into a back bedroom and closes and locks the door. Then about 4 different guys come out of the bathroom and are looking at me.

Me: Who are they?

Latischia: *Banging on the door* MANDY, OPEN THE DOOR!!!
I go over and open the door
Me: What?
Latischia: We have to leave now!
Me: Why, what's wrong?
Latischia: Mandy, there are guns in the window and cocaine on the coffee table, we have to leave NOW!
Me: OK, let's go.

So, we get in her car and leave. But, for some reason, all the boys follow us back to Latischia's house. How they got in, has escaped my memory...I was still a little drunk at this point. So, I start walking back to Latischia's room to change clothes and those same boys start to follow me...then, Big Dave says, "Mandy, come here, I want to show you something in my car." So, I follow him outside and he makes me sit on the hood of his vehicle...

Big Dave: Look at me.
Me: What?
Big Dave: What are you doing? Why are you hanging out with those guys?
Me: I don't know...we've all just been talking and having fun.
Big Dave: You don't need to associate with those two anymore and you need to be careful who you drink around.
Me: Why?
Big Dave: Do you have any idea what they were about to do to you in there?
Me: No, what?
Big Dave: Mandy, you're smarted than this...they were about to rape you.
Me: Oh my God, are you serious?
Big Dave: I'm going to go get everyone out of there...don't talk to these people anymore.
Me: *dazed* OK, thanks Dave.

And with that Dave bends over and kisses me. He goes in the house and get everyone out and they leave. I saw Big Dave a couple of times after that and then we lost touch. I'm not sure what happened to him or where he lives now, but I do hope he is doing well.

Thanks Dave!

Until next time...

Mandy

Sex Stories...

When they're embarrassing, they never get old.

I found an old boyfriend on facebook yesterday, the reason I looked him up is because he came up in a conversation I was having with a new friend. Here's how it started...

Where is the weirdest place you've ever had sex?

I told him I had never done "it" anywhere that would be considered weird...so, I told him my most embarrassing sex story.

One night, when I worked a the hotel by Intercontinental Airport, one of the bellmen that I had been flirting with and I decided to go to Clayton's for a couple of drinks. At the time, I was 20 and he was 23...he was also married. (Don't judge me, I was 20.) After we had our couple of drinks we decided to go riding around in my car...a Pontiac Sunfire. We end up on some street next to the airport runways...he was in the driver seat and I was in the passenger seat. We started making out and one thing led to another...his pants were off and my skirt was up around my waist. Let me say this...I'm 5'8" and he was 6', and guess what...we were too tall to have sex in a Pontiac Sunfire. So, we pretty much gave up and decided to sit there a little longer and just talk...him with no pants and me with my skirt around my waist. When I looked out the window I noticed a car pulling up...

Mandy: Oh look, there's a car pulling up next to us...Huh, someone is getting out...Wait a minute, they're walking over here...and then all of a sudden

TAP TAP TAP

It was a cop, tapping on the driver side window with a very large flashlight. So, the boy rolled the window down...and remember, he still has no pants on...not even undies.

The Cop: What's going on here?
The Boy: Nothing now.
The Cop: *Looking at me* Ma'am, are you here on your own accord?
Mandy: Yes Sir.
Thoughts in Mandy's head: OH MY GOD! I AM GOING TO JAIL, I WILL HAVE TO CALL MY MOTHER AND HAVE HER BAIL ME OUT BECAUSE I'M HALF NAKED, HAVING SEX WITH A MARRIED MAN ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!
The Cop: I think y'all need to get out of here.
The Boy: Yes sir.

And with that, The Boy put the car in drive and drove for at least a mile sans pants. We finally get to a stopping point...fix our clothes and we drive back to get his car. We actually kept seeing each other for a little bit after that, then we stopped, then 6 months later he called me and told me that he and his wife were getting divorced, so we started dating again. We did the on-again, off-again thing a couple of times. Then, in 99 he started dating someone and we lost touch.

To this day, whenever anyone asks me, "Where's your favorite place to have sex?" I immediately think of The Boy and I smile and always answer, "In a bed, in a room with a door...Cops don't care if you're in a bed, in a room, with a door."

I actually talked to The Boy yesterday...when I told him why I had looked him up he said, "Oh my God, I was just telling someone that story two weeks ago!"

I found out he married the girl he met in '99 and they now have a two year old. It sounds like he's doing well and that makes me very happy for him. He was a good boyfriend...he deserves happiness.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Told You I Don't Like That!

I hate discussing bodily functions, most of you know this. I even tell people when I first meet them, "I don't discuss bodily functions, I pretend they don't exist." Now, if someone made that statement to me, I would avoid poop conversations...Especially if I was trying to "woo" that person.

I have a gentleman calling me at the moment and I have told him about my detest of all things poop related and how I just don't even talk about it. I'm sorry, but there are a lot of things going on in the world right now, talking about poop or anything else of that nature shouldn't be high on your topic list. But oh no, y'all know me, I attract the weirdos...

When talking about his children...

Yep, I've been wiping butts for the past 5 years.

Really, was it necessary to put it that way? I just responded with an "Oh."

After finding out that I don't like the topic of bodily functions...

So, I guess you don't like the word diarrhea...

No, I don't...I think I just made that clear, but why don't you throw in the word fart, just to make this conversation that much more uncomfortable for me.

And here's the discussion from last night...

Him: I had sushi for dinner.
Me: Yum, that sounds good.
Him: Then I went and got some ice cream.
Me: Oh my, you put dairy on top of the raw fish?
Him: Well I didn't eat them together.
Me: But still, that's like eating fish with a milkshake...just the thought of mixing dairy with raw fish makes my stomach turn.
Him: Well, I look at it this way...it all makes the same turd.
Me: Um, gross...that's disgusting.

OK, I know I'm a little freaky weird about the poo talk...but even if I wasn't, the word "turd" is not sexy...I just think if you're trying to woo someone and you want them to go out with you why would you talk about poop?!

Seriously, how do these people find me?

Until next time...

Mandy

September 4, 1924

The greatest man in the world was born 85 years ago today; well, the greatest man in my world. Of course I'm talking about The Paw Paw! Seriously, everyone should have a Paw Paw! If you're new to Mainly Mandy, I'll fill you in on the awesomeness that is THE PAW PAW!

When my sperm-donor left, back in 1979, a very pregnant-the mother, took little Mandy to Nanny and Paw Paw's house where they took us in and Paw Paw started building a house for The Mother, The Mandy and the yet-to-be-born Megan behind his house. The three of us lived in that little 950 square foot house until I was 22...

The Paw Paw reading to little Mandy

The Paw Paw playing Uno with little Mandy after her first dance recital.

Us again.

Present day Paw Paw with my youngest nephew, Victor.

Here's a conversation my mother and I had recently...

Me: I just want to find a guy that will get the shit off the top shelf.

Mom: Mmmhmmm...

Me: Someone who will say, "I'm taking your car to have the oil changed."

Mom: Right.

Me: A dude that's going to ask, "Is your cell phone charged???"

Mom: OK.

Me: Someone that wants to take care of me, not because I need them to, but because the want to!

Mom: Well, what you want is a Paw Paw, and I'm sorry, but they don't make that model anymore!

And that's true, they don't. I've always said that I want what my grandparents had. Do you know that, 'til the day my Nanny died she swore up and down that she didn't know how to put gas in her car. Whenever she'd get to a quarter of a tank, she'd tell Paw Paw and he would take it to the gas station and fill it up. NOW, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAW PAW! Hope your day is fabulous!

Until next time...

Mandy

Apparently...It's Me.

As most of my long time readers know, when I first started this little online journal type thing it was basically a "diary" of being single after a six year relationship. So, I joined an online dating site. Personally, I think online dating is an awesome way for people over 30 to meet others in their age bracket also the city of Houston is large and not just our population...I have no idea how many square miles Houston, TX is, but take my word for it, it would take you several hours to drive around the entire city...so online dating lets you meet people on the other side of the city that you would have never had the opportunity to meet had it not been for the internet. The last time around, I think I did it for 6 or 7 months then I decided to give it a rest, but I knew I would most likely try it again.

So, here we are. A friend of mine and I decided that we were both going to join sites...she joined Yahoo, which is the one I used the last time and I joined Match. She, is now talking to two different guys...one is a very cute IT guy that works for a lawyer in the galleria area and another guy who is hotter than Georgia asphalt and owns an international heavy equipment company, so he travels all over the world.

How have I done, you ask? Well, let me tell you...the first guy seemed promising, but it didn't pan out. The second guy...he's a toll booth operator! And today, today I was contacted by a lovely gentleman. Here's an excerpt of his profile...

a perfect match 4 me wud be a girl dats open about almost anything, n has a beautiful personality n cute feet, i do have have a foot fetish, but im not crazy with it r weird about it

How do these people find me? This is actually copied and pasted from his profile...his whole profile is chock full of dis, dat and im lookin 4. I'm sorry, but he's 33 years old, why does he feel the need to speak like that? And seriously, who just puts it out there they like feet? I mean don't get me wrong, I'll take a good toe sucking any day, but that's besides the point. :)

Freaks and potheads...I guess I need to go invest in some pedicures and some grow lights.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Am So In the Now!

YAY ME!!!! I'm in the now...I figured out how to download my video onto YouTube! So, I hope y'all enjoy.




Speaking of in the now and futuristic stuff...look what we saw on I10 on the ride home...

That's right people, it was a DeLorean. We were going about 88 miles an hour...it passed us up and we never saw it again. "Roads, where we're going we don't need roads."

Until next time...

Mandy

NAAAAAYYYYY...

Guess who's coming to the office to drop off some tires...WILLIE!!!!

Yep, y'all remember Willie...I've mentioned him here and here.

Boss Man just called to tell me that Willie is going to be dropping off some tires here at the office but, "I'm not sure if he'll come in or not." To which I replied, "Of course he's coming in, he has to call me Clydesdale and make mention of me being thick, big or some sort of remark about my ass."

Maybe I'll be all stealth mode and get a picture so y'all can get the full effect that is WILLIE!

Until next time...

Mandy

Animation

On the ride home from Louisiana on Sunday, I recorded a video of Terra and me. Sadly, I can't figure out how to download the damn thing...I would really like to post it here. Anyway, I've watched it on my camera and the first thing that came out of my mouth is, "Oh my God, I never realized how goofy I look when I talk."

People have always told me that I'm extremely animated when I talk, but I didn't realize it was to that extent...I was borderline a cartoon character. From facial expressions to hand gestures to laughing it was all there.

So, I have a question for those of you who know me in the real world...

Should I work on this and try to tone down my face or should I just go with it and accept the fact that this is just another quirky thing that make me MANDY?

Oh, and if you know how to download video from a Kodak easyshare camera...please let me know.

Until next time...

Mandy

AHHHHHHHH EEEEEEEEE

Terra and I went to Opelousas, LA this weekend for her birthday. (Not because Opelousas is a party town but because her family lives there.) Saturday night, all the girls got all fancy so we could go to a couple of bars. We get to the first bar, Triple Crown, and we were all standing around talking waiting for the band to start. Before we went out, I told Terra that there would be a theme for the nights pictures...DIRTY HAND GESTURES!

Terra and me on the way to the bar

SHOCKER!


An oldie but a goodie. Seriously, when was the last time you saw that hand gesture?

Double Shocker...one with a trigger and one without. It's just your personal preference.

I ran out of hand gestures, so I just started grabbing boobs.

This is Jonathon...Terra's cousin's husband.

Terra and Sarah

So, after a couple of hours at Triple Crown...the night went downhill from there. The group of people we went out with decided they wanted to go to a place called...Cowboys. As we were walking out of the first bar, we found out the car assignments had changed. Terra and I had originally been riding with Amanda and Corey but then another couple needed to ride with them so then we were going to ride with Sarah and Jonathon...but, there was a car seat in their backseat. So, I made the announcement..."Does anyone have room for me? I can't fit in a car seat." So Douche Bag # 1, we'll call him David tells me that his friend, Douche Bag # 2 is riding by himself and I should just ride with him. So, I'm all, "OK." And that's when the night jumped directly into the hand basket and off to hell we went.

First, let me describe Jason...he's your run of the mill douche bag. He wears his Affliction shirt with his baggy pants, he's a little over weight yet he claims to be an MMA fighter and even has "Tapout" tattooed on his forearm.

So, I hop in the passenger seat of the truck and he's being all rude to me and stuff. And, here's how that conversation went...

Me: Dude, if you didn't want me to ride with you, all you would have had to say is...Bitch, I don't want you in my car.

Him: Whatever, it's fine.

Me: Are you OK to drive?

Him: I'm pretty good.

Me: OK, just don't kill me.

He starts playing music really loud so I just sit there, quietly. Then he starts driving 90 miles an hour down the freeway.

Then he tells me that he needs to stop by an ATM. So, we go to a Shell station right across the busy street from the bar we were supposed to end up at. It was at that moment that I realized that all my money and my I.D. was in my purse...with Terra. We both got out of the truck...

Me: *While shifting my weight back and forth doing the pee pee dance* I'm going to run to the ladies room real quick, don't leave me here.

Him: Look, the bar is right accross the street.

Me: I don't give a fuck where it is, DO NOT LEAVE ME HERE.

Him: Well hurry up, or I will leave you here.

Me: *Still shifting my weight* YOU LISTEN TO ME RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE ME HERE, I WILL WALK MY HAPPY ASS ACROSS THIS STREET, GO INTO THAT BAR, I WILL FIND YOU AND *while punching the air* I WILL HIT YOU IN THE FACE. DO YOU HEAR ME? I AM IN LOUISIANA, I AM IN HIGH HEELS, ALL OF MY MONEY AND MY I.D. ARE WITH TERRA...DO NOT LEAVE ME HERE.

Him: OK, fine...just hurry up!

When I walk out of the bathroom, Jason is standing there...

Me: Oh wow, you didn't leave me.

Him: The ATM took longer than I thought.

Me: That's awesome.

Him: OK, let's go.

We park behind the bar and I walk on one side of the bar and he walks on the other. When we get to the entrance, he just walks in and leaves me standing in front of the bar...by myself. Finally, Terra gets there, I get my money and I.D. we walk in and Jason and I spend the rest of the evening avoiding and giving dirty looks to each other. I figured, with a name like Cowboys, that it was a country bar which was fine, except they don't two step...I'm not sure what they were doing and when you throw in an accordion...it gets even weirder. Then, as I was standing there, minding my own business a black guy in a cowboy hat grabs my ass then after that, some guy who came up to my boobs asked me to dance. Yep, just another night out in Mandy's world!

Until next time...

Mandy

Thirty Minutes

That's how much sleep I got last night...30 minutes.

I'm doing OK right now, but I have a feeling around 1p I'm going to be all delirious and giggly.

It was a good night though. Get your mind out of the gutter, it wasn't the bow chicka bow wow kind of good, but good nonetheless.

I'm going to Opelousas, LA this weekend with Terra. It is certain that fun times will be had...but when the patriarch of the family is known as Papa Pooney, you shouldn't expect anything less than fun times.

Until next time...

Mandy

New Header Picture

So, I decided to change my picture, you know, up there ^. Although, my Wonder Woman Underoos picture is one of my favorites of me growing up...I think I like this one equally as well.

So, I guess you're wondering what the hell I was doing dressed as a chicken. Well, let me tell ya...

I wasn't a chicken, I was Disco Duck. Yep, the first tap dance I ever did was to Disco Duck. I believe this was around 1979.

So, what do you think...should I keep the duck or go back to my superhero alter-ego???

Until next time...

Mandy

Boys and Bathrooms

This post is going to be completely different than what I usually write. If you know me personally then you know how much I HATE, LOATHE and DETEST toilet humor.

With that being said...

There are three people that work at my company. There are two men and me. We have been open for about 2 1/2 years and, let me tell you, it has been an eye opening experience. Especially when it comes to, duh, duh, duuuuuh, THE BATHROOM.

Let me start by telling you, when I was growing up I never had to share a bathroom with a boy. In my house it was The Mother, The Sister, Me and two female dogs...Gypsy and Cookie. We cleaned the bathroom once a week and that was really the only time the seat got lifted.

Now that I'm older, have lived with a couple of guys and had to share a bathroom with my two coworkers, I have come to the conclusion that men are DISGUSTING BATHROOM PIGS.

Here are some of my complaints...

1. I didn't realize how difficult it was to lift the seat. Seriously, nothing makes me happier than going into the bathroom and having to wipe your piss off the seat!

2. Do I need to give you a scope to put on your penis? How hard is it to aim your "little dude" at the big hole with the happy water?

3. Why is it necessary to shake your dick to get the pee pee off? You know what happens when you shake it...your urine goes all over the lip of the toilet. Why can't you grab a little square of toilet paper and wipe the tip of your member? Please someone explain this one to me!

4. And about the lip of the toilet...you know that toilet paper I was just talking about, could you maybe grab some and wipe the little pee droplets off? Thanks, that would be great!

And my least favorite thing about sharing a bathroom with men...

5. Why can't you flush 'til the bowl is clean? And you know what? It's not just here that I have experienced the scary toilet. The last company I worked for I had to share a bathroom with a big, bunch of men. There was one time that I actually went into the bathroom and came right back out and sat the men in the office down and said, "Look, I don't know whose ass exploded in there, but guess what, I'm not cleaning that up. When I go into the ladies room, the last thing I want to see are skid marks from here to I10! So, y'all either need to change your diet, or learn how to use the little scrub brush next to the toilet, because y'all are just gross."

And guess what? The mothers of the world are not helping! I have friends with little boys that say, "Well, that's little boys." No ma'am. There is no excuse for leaving poo in the toilet, peeing on the floor and bad bathroom etiquette all together.

Oh, and here's another reason I will probably never get married...

I was at the gym the other day and this woman was telling us how she was talking to a girl, that had just gotten married at the laundromat and the girl, while holding a pair of her husband's dirty underwear, said, "Oh wow, I've never had to wash underwear with skid marks in them."

FUCK A BIG, BUNCH OF THAT!

I'm sorry, but if you're old enough to get married, then you're old enough to know how to wipe your own ass! (The only exception is if you hit a deer or something, then I'll give you a free pass. But even then, I think I would probably tell you to either throw them away or wash them yourself.)

Bottom line...Guys, stop being gross in the bathroom!

Until next time...

Mandy

In The Weeds

OK, I think I might have the essence of weed. You read that right, weed as in marijuana, ganja, smoke, grass, pot, etc, etc. It seems as though the only men that are attracted to me come complete with a dime bag and a pipe. Which, is completely bizarre since I've only smoked the weed once, hated it and never did it again.



It all started my senior year in high school...up until then, I was very naive. I honestly believed that there wasn't a drug problem at Channelview High School. Then, I started dating this guy and when I went in his bedroom the first time I saw this weird, vase looking thing. When I inquired about this unusual room decor he looked at me like I was nuts...



Him: That's a bong.
Me: What's a bong?
Him: You smoke weed with it.
Me: YOU SMOKE POT?
Him: Uhhh, yeah.
Me: OK, well I don't want to.
Him: That's fine, I'm not going to make you smoke it.
Me: Good.

So, we dated for like 4 - 6 months, and let me tell you, he and all his friends called me the "Queen of Crib." Every time I went over there, I was immediately sleepy and would just fall asleep, I think it had something to do with the haze that was floating throughout the entire house.

Then there was the boy that lived with me after I graduated...MAJOR pothead. I don't want to go into him...he broke me. (not financially, I was not the same after he and I broke up...I trusted NO ONE!)

Then there was the guy that was a year younger than me. He was 20 and I was 21. He was the guy I smoked the pot with...and I thought I was going to die. I had been around enough pot heads to know the unwritten rule...If it's someone's first time to smoke, don't lace it with anything. People, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt like my face was melting, I couldn't breathe, I was seeing into the future and once I got home...I threw up. Needless to say, I did not get the euphoric feelings that everyone told me I would have. So, after the weed had run it's course I decided that I would never smoke it again.

Luckily, the guy I was with for 6 years didn't smoke the ganja.


Then on to my last ex.


As some of you may remember, I met him at a party. At one point in the evening, he and another guy said, "Uhhh, we're going to the store real quick...we need cigarettes." And I totally believed them. (Apparently, some of that naivety was still hanging around.) Everyone else started laughing, and I was oblivious. It never dawned on me that they came back empty handed. Anyway, I found out later that he smoked. But, he told me that he didn't smoke that often. So, I was like, "OK, every once in a while he'll smoke a little. No big deal." But then he moved into my apartment and brought with him his grocery bag full of weed. I don't think he and I were on the same page when he said he didn't smoke THAT MUCH. It's like that line in Knocked UP..."You don't smoke weed at all, like in the morning?" I told him I didn't like having that much marijuana in my home, but he didn't listen. Then he quit his job, and I told him he was an idiot...there aren't that many jobs anymore that don't drug test. I ended up kicking him, his pot and his pipe out.


And here we are in the present day of Mandy.


Recently, I've kicked around the idea of the online dating thing again. The last time I did it, I had a lot of fun and met some very interesting characters. So, I uploaded about five pictures and did my whole "about me" section. And guess what...I've had several emails sent and a lot of page views and the majority of the men who have looked at me have things like...

1. I quit smoking cigarettes (but I still smoke)
2. *Answering the questions, Do you smoke?* I'll tell you later - which usually means, "I've got a big bag of weed at my house!"
3. I'm 420 friendly!

It's so bad that my friends tease me about it.

I guess I'm a beacon in the night to pot heads...or the lighter to their pipe.

Until next time...

Mandy

Creepiness and Cake

I have had a couple of people ask me, "Who is Cake Girl?"

As mentioned in one of my previous posts, Sublime Enigma and I have been reading each other's blogs since 2007 and he has become one of my favorite bloggers. I was lucky enough to meet him last month at The Wooden Birds Show at Walter's on Washington...fun times. Anyway, one of my favorite posts was about a birthday gathering for a girl he was seeing at the time and after that gathering she was called Cake Girl.

If you are not a regular reader of Mr. Enigma, you really should check is page out. There is good stuff there.

Until next time...

Mandy

*Sublime Enigma - If you would like me to take the links off, please let me know.

What...That Was Creepy?

Two and a half years ago I met this guy at a bar, he was a friend of a friend. The whole night we were flirting back and forth and he was buying me drinks blah, blah, blah. Then I looked down and noticed the class ring on his hand.

Mandy: Oh, what school did you go to?
Matt: C.E. King
Mandy: No, your ring. What college did you go to?
Matt: I didn't go to college.
Mandy: But your ring says 2004.
Matt: Yeah, that's when I graduated high school.
Mandy: WHAT!?! I graduated from high school in 1994!
Matt: So.
Mandy: What do you mean, so? How old are you?
Matt: I'm 21.
Mandy: Oh my GOD!!! I am 31 years old...thanks for the drinks, but I have to go.

Fast forward two and a half years...I walk into the same bar to hang out with the same friends I was hanging out with two and a half years earlier and guess who was standing with my friends...yep, Matt. But this time, he was two and a half years older.

Matt: Hey Amanda, how have you been.
Mandy: Good, you?
Matt: Good, I have a daughter now.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH small talk BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Mandy: You know what, you look a lot like Seth Rogen.
Matt: Really, is that a good thing?
Mandy: You have no idea. Seth Rogen is my ultimate celebrity "would ya?"
Matt: Oh yeah.
Mandy: Yep. Well, I have to go. I'm meeting friends out. You should come we're going to go to several different bars.
Matt: OK, sounds good. Can I get your number?
Mandy: Sure.

So, I give him my number. And we start texting and calling. I would even refer to him as my little Mexican Seth Rogen. The texting and calling went on for about two weeks. Then, we decided to hang out one Sunday afternoon at my house. He told me that he would bring the movie, Pineapple Express and we would order a pizza, etc.

He gets to my house and this is what happens.

Mandy: *opening the door, holding my dog.* Hi, come on in.
Matt: *patting the dog on the head* Hey, who is this?
Mandy: This is Rogen.
Matt: Rogen?
Mandy: Yeah, you know like Seth Rogen.
Matt: Oh, ok. Look, I brought the movie.
Mandy: Oh, good.
*I order the pizza, put the movie in the DVD player and we sit on the couch.*
Matt: *Looking at the magazines on my coffee table* Wow, you even have magazines with Seth Rogen on the cover.
Mandy: Yeah, whenever I see him on a magazine cover I pick it up.
Matt: Oh.

So, the pizza gets delivered, we eat and watch the rest of the movie.

Matt: Well, I'm going to go. I have a lot of stuff to get together for work.
Mandy: Oh, OK. Are you sure?
Matt: Yeah. I'll call you later.

And I never heard from him again. Then, my friend Jeremy called me a couple of days later...

Jeremy: So, how did it go with Mexican Seth Rogen?
Mandy: I thought it went OK, but I haven't heard from him?
Jeremy: Really, that's weird.
Mandy: I know.
Jeremy: What did y'all do?
I recapped everything from the movie to the pizza to the quick exit.
Jeremy: Oh my God Mandy. Do you still have your Seth Rogen Magazines out?
Mandy: Yes.
Jeremy: And y'all were watching a Seth Rogen movie?
Mandy: Yes.
Jeremy: And your little dog Rogen was sitting on the couch with y'all?
Mandy: Yes.
Jeremy: Mandy, Hun, you creeped that poor boy out.
Mandy: What? No way.
Jeremy: Think about it, you told him he looked like Seth Rogen, you invited him over to your house where you have a borderline shrine to him.
Mandy: Oh wow, I never thought about that. I think this is the first time I've ever been creepy.
Oh my God, do you think he was counting the minutes until the end of the movie so he could get out of my house before I boiled his bunny?
Jeremy: I wouldn't doubt it.
Mandy: Well, that just sucks.

I've never been creepy girl before. I've always been awesome Mandy that drinks beer and can out raunch guys.

Oh well.

Until next time...

Mandy

Wow...

I can't believe it's almost been a month since my last post. Sorry it's taken me so long to get on here, but I've been a busy little girl lately. I'll give you the rundown...

1. My bestie and her husband have split up. This is the main reason I haven't posted anything lately. The majority of my free time has been with her.

2. I've been out of town the past two weekends. Last weekend I went to New Braunfels with Tish and her mom and we did the whole "tubin' the river" or if I'm being honest "walking on slimy rocks because the river was so low that floating was not an option because Texas hasn't seen a good rain in I don't know how long." You should have seen my legs, I looked like someone beat me with a stick. Then, this past weekend, I went to Wimberley, TX with Terra to visit her dad. I've decided that if I was going to live in a small town, it would be Wimberley, TX. We went to Jacob's Well, which was all slimy because of the lack of rain and then we went to The Blue Hole. Then we went back to Terra's dad's house and sat in the hot tub (the water was more luke warm than hot, which was fine because it was hotter than hell outside.) for like 4 hours. Then, on Sunday, we left Wimberley and went to Austin to visit my friend Laura and her sexy, sexy boyfriend. We stayed there for about an hour and a half then headed back to H-Town. (Actually, we headed back to Friendswood which is a suburb of Houston where Terra lives.)

So, there you have it. I finally posted something. Check back later in the week, I have a couple of stories to tell. One includes me with a broom looking like a Samurai Warrior and the other includes me possibly creeping a young man out.

Until next time...

Mandy

P.S. Happy 300th post to me!!!

I went out with my friend JoLyn Saturday night for her birthday. Since it was her birthday, I told her I would be the designated driver or as I was referred to all night...The DD. So, I was the only one that didn't have any alcohol...and it was a seriously eye opening experience.

To all of you who have been sober around me when I've had one too many of the adult beverages....Please accept my most sincere apology. Seriously, I damn near turned Native American Saturday night, I was almost a member of the Slapaho tribe. When I told JoLyn, "Wow, you're being really loud." She said to me...

"Bitsh, pleash. You're the loudesht bitsh ever when you drink!"

After she said this, I first wiped the little bit of spittle of my face and then I realized...she's right. When we went to see the Wooden Birds, apparently I was a loud bitch...so much so that when I said something, the lead singer gave me a weird look. I will say this though, at least I'm a happy drunk. Thank God my friends and I are not boo hoo crying drunks. Those are the worst kind. So, again, I will apologize for past and future obnoxious drunkeness.

In the meantime, here are some pictures from Saturday night...

This is the beginning of the evening.

Here are the three of us. The girl on the left is Sasha...it was her 21st birthday. This was about halfway through the night

One of the drunkards got let loose with the camera. They said, "Smile Amanda!" And as you can see, they almost cut me out of the pictures.

As stated in my Twitter update, I did use jazz hands all weekend!

And here we are at the end of the evening. One thing I didn't realize about drunken friends...they sweat...A LOT! When this picture was being taken, I was in the process of saying, "ARGHHH, Y'all are both sweaty and moist...GET OFF ME!!!"

I'm mostly joking...I love these two girls and I will be happy to be their DD any time.

Until next time...

Mandy

Which Team Will It Be???

If you are a woman and you have ever been single, there has been a time in your life when you say to yourself...

"Fuck it, fuck this, fuck men...I'm gonna be a lesbian."

And I'm almost to this point.

Don't be surprised if the next time you see me I'm wearing a flirtatious flannel, fabulous fanny pack and jammin' the hell out of some Sophie B. Hawkins "Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover."

I'll still wear makeup though...I can't give up my red lipstick!

Until next time...

Mandy

Just The Monitors???

I received a couple of comments yesterday regarding the burglars taking just the monitors. After we looked around some more, we noticed some other things missing...

Four 17" flat screen monitors
One cordless drill
One VCR
One car battery quick-start something or other
One Budweiser neon sign
One broken cell phone

Yep, they made out like BANDITS!

Most likely it was kids or some random meth-head, who knows.

I'd kind of like to thank them...Boss lady replaced all the 17" monitors with 23" monitors. When you use a 23" monitor, it's like stuff just hits you in the face.

I already know...you have total monitor envy...it's OK, I would too.

Until next time...

Mandy

Not a Good Way To Start the Day.

I get to work this morning and I walk through the door and the conversation goes like this...

Boss man: Don't touch anything.
Me: What are you talking about?
Boss man: We've been robbed!!!
Me: What?
Boss man: Look around, all the monitors are gone.
Me: Oh my God, how did they get in here.
Boss man: They broke the window in your office and came in that way.
Me: Wow, that sucks!

My boss' wife goes and buys new monitors and the police came out and looked at everything blah, blah, blah. The worst part is, the rain picks today to come. So, Houston, TX is beyond humid. AND, since there is a big hole in the window in my office, that means that all the humidity is making itself at home in my office. Want proof... This is my hair normally. Straight and shiny! This is what I looked like when I left my house this morning. This look makes me happy. :)

This is my look today. Not straight, not shiny...it's borderline 'froish. This look does not make me happy. :(

I hope y'all are having a better day than I am.

Until next time...

Mandy

Live Music, Old Friends, New Friends and Beer

LOTS OF BEER.

Here is my weekend in pictures...

Laura and me. We have known each other since the 4th grade. She now lives in Austin but she was in Houston on Thursday night because her boyfriend's band was playing at Walter's On Washington.

This is Laura's boyfriend, Jody. He is total sexiness! (Good job, Laura!)

Here are The Wooden Birds on stage. There wasn't an ugly one amongst them...the guy with the guitar is quite hot.

This was strange...all of the girls were wearing black shirts, blue jeans (laura was wearing jean shorts) ond converse.

D.G., a.k.a. Hoochie, and me. I have known her since 1992.

Terra and me.

Uh oh...look who else met us out. It is none other than Sublime Enigma. We have been reading each other's blogs since 2007. Now that we've hung out once we will have to do it again. And seriously, how cute is he???

This is JoLyn and me. We went out Saturday night, because what better way to celebrate Independence Day than drinking and dancing at a bar.

This is Abraham and me. We went to high school together, he was also my boy in my senior dance. Bless his heart, he actually lifted me back in 1994. (I was much smaller back then) He is now in a country band called Misbehavin. They play a good mixture of old country and new country. Abraham even threw in a little Motown, "These Arms of Mine." If you're into country music and you live in or around the Houston area you should check his band out.

So there you have it. The holiday was great, but now it's back to work to recover from the weekend.

Until next time...

Mandy