I'm Famous

The same night that I went out with Molly and Holly, I did something that not many people can say they've done...

I silenced an entire bar with one statement.

The bar that we have grown to love is awesome. It has a very cool vibe and a very eclectic mix of people that range from a singer in a band to a woman with a PHD on a dart league. They only sell beer, wine and coffee, but they don't sell Budweiser or Miller Lite or any of the other "regular" beers. They do, however, carry an extensive line of Abita Beer, Lone Star (one of my personal favorites) and here's one that I tried last weekend that has now become one of my favorites Atlantic Brewing Company Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale. They also have an impressive wine list...and Molly, who is not a wine drinker, has become very fond of a German wine that we're not really sure what the name is but the bartender knows when she says she wants a glass of Edelweiss Weinerschnitzel what to give her.

The inside of the bar is very cool and chic, but since Houston has a non-smoking ordinance, everyone usually stands outside and mingles amongst each other, hopping from patio table to patio table. The last time we were there, there was someone bbq'ing in front of the bar and somehow we ended up with a rather large plate of grilled pork and pineapple on our table...it was delicious, by the way!

So, let me get back to my "Stop the Presses" moment...

It was later in the evening and I had had a couple of the Blueberry Ales and I walked into the bar to order another one, there was about 12-15 people in the bar...

Me: Hey Cory, can I get another Blueberry Ale?
Cory: Yeah, hang on just a minute.
Me: Is that Radiohead?
Cory: Yeah.
Me: Oh. My. God. I HATE RADIOHEAD!

REAAAAAAAAAAA

Everyone stopped talking and looked at me.

Me: What?
Cory: You hate Radiohead?
Me: Uhh, yeah. I would rather gouge out both my eyeballs with a Bic pen than listen to them.
Cory and the other patrons are staring at me like I just said something horrible about the Baby Jesus.
Me: Seriously, Thom York sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher talking...wha wha wha wha.
Cory: I can't believe you don't like Radiohead.
Me: Sorry, dude. They are my ex's favorite band and I was made to listen to them constantly and I had to endure an entire concert with them and their pretentious fans.
Guy sitting next to me: So you've seen them live?
Me: Yeah, and I will say they sound just like their CD, which is impressive, but I think their fans are more annoying than they are.
GSNM: Wow, I hate it when people get all pretentious about bands.
Me: Yeah, thank you!

Cory gives me my beer and I walk back outside...it was shortly after this that I ended up in the hatchback.

So, Saturday night, Molly and Holly went back out to the bar and this guy looked at her...

Guy: Are you the girl that doesn't like Radiohead?
Molly: No, I like Radiohead...that's my friend, Mandy that doesn't like them.

YAY, I'm famous! I am so getting a plain black shirt and in fuzzy white lettering it's going to say...

I'm the girl that hates Radiohead.

Until next time...

Mandy

The Dick Fairy!

*This entry contains language that could be offensive to some. Also, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent!*


I am a Dick Fairy. Seriously, when I go out with girlfriends, it's like I wave my magic wand and Bippity, Boppity, Boo...they get some! It's always been this way, I'm just good luck for these bitches.

Friday night, I went out with two of my girlfriends, Molly and Holly. We were at this very cool little bar in midtown that I have grown to love and these girls and I are slowly becoming regulars. Anyway, last week my friend, Molly (who is my age) made out with a 23 year old stand up bass player. (The mention of his instrument will come into play later in the story.) So, Friday night Molly and I were sitting on the patio and we were watching, Pete, load his instrument in the back of his Volkswagon Jetta Wagon. And then the text messages start...

Molly - Pete: We should hook up.
Pete - Molly: OK, Jackass and I are going to Warren's you should come with us.
Molly - Pete: Holly is talking to a guy in her car, so I don't have a way over there.
Pete - Molly: You can ride with us.
Molly - Pete: What about Mandy?
Pete - Molly: We can make room for her.

So, Molly looks at me and says, "Let's go!" To which I reply, "OK." So, we take Holly her purse and walk over to Pete's vehicle and find out the seating arrangement...

Pete in driver seat and his friend in passenger seat.
Molly in the seat behind Pete and top half of stand up bass in seat behind Pete's jackass friend.
bottom half of stand up bass in the right half of the hatchback and Mandy in the left half of the hatchback.

That's right people, I folded my 5'8" body in half and crawled, backwards, into the hatchback of a Volkswagon Jetta Wagon and had to share the space with the big end of a stand up bass. I looked like one of those plush Garfields with the suction cups on the feet that people used to put on their windows. I will say this, I have ridden in a hatchback before, but I was in my early 20's and when you're in your early 20's you don't think of the dangers...but in your early 30's everything bad that could happen races through your mind. This is all I could think...

OH HOLY JESUS! IF WE GET REAR ENDED ONE OF TWO THINGS IS GOING TO HAPPEN:

1. I WILL DIE.
2. I WILL BE SEVERELY MAIMED FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

So, we're driving through downtown Houston and I never realized how weird it would be to drive everywhere in reverse. We get to Warren's and Pete pops the hatch and helps peel me out and we go and find a spot at the bar. So, the seating arrangement is...

Molly, Pete, Me and Jackass.

So, Molly and Pete are talking and I find out that Jackass is a grad student, teaches cello lessons part-time, and wants to either be in the symphony or a professor when he grows up. Then, there's some awkward silence and I look at him and say...

Me: Look, I'm not trying to hit on you, I'm just trying to have a conversation.
Jackass: Well, you know, this place has a fabulous jukebox, maybe you should go and play some music.
Me: So, basically, you're telling me to go check out the jukebox and leave you the hell alone.
Jackass: Basically.
Me: OK. *grabbing my purse and pulling ones out and then picking up my drink* Fuck you (smiling sweetly.)

So, I go to the jukebox and play some music and walk back over to the bar and walk over to Molly...

Me: Give me a cigarette.
Molly: Mandy, no you've done too good.
Me: Bitch, you brought me here in a hatchback and sat me next to a jackass...give. me. a. cigarette!
Molly: OK...let's walk outside.

So, we're standing outside and I look at Pete and say...

Me: What's up with your friend, does he think I want to fuck him or something
Pete: No, he's just not all that impressed with you.
Me: Oh really? Well, as impressed as he is with me, I'm even less impressed with him. First of all, his face looks like his butt and...

I feel as though I need to preface the next statement with this one...I have never lived in a trailer park...

Me: Secondly, could you let him know that I wouldn't fuck him with someone else's pussy!
Molly: We need to go.
Me: Yes we do.

So, we walk back in and the bartender tells us our tab is $25. So I throw two $20's on the bar.

Molly: Mandy, you can't pay for everyone's drink.
Me: It's OK, I don't mind...I may not have a degree, but at least I have a fucking job.
I get my change, leave a $5 on the bar and look at Molly and Pete and say, "Let's go."

So, back at the car, I fold myself into the hatchback again so we can take jackass back to his apartment, when he's getting out of the vehicle he says...

"Had fun, Pete. Regardless."

To which I yell from the hatchback..."FUCK YOU!"

I'll admit, my exchange with the jackass was not one of my finer moments...but, I have this theory that it takes so much energy to be a total and complete dick, why not just be nice to people and use that energy for something else.

Anyway, after jackass gets out of the car, I get to get in the backseat...where the air conditioner vents can be felt!

So, we're driving back to Molly's house and once we get there I hand her the keys to my apartment and tell her to have fun and be careful!

The next morning when I get to my apartment, I walk upstairs and notice something shiny on the half-wall in my bedroom. So, I called Molly...

Me: Hey, the next time I see Pete I'm going to say, "What's up P.I.?"
Molly: Why would you say that?
Me: Because he left his Magnum condom wrapper on my half-wall!
Molly: OH MY GOD! Are you serious?
Me: Yep, good job!

After being single for the past 33 years I've learned one thing...Nice guys always travel with a jackass friend and somehow I always end up having to talk to the jackass while my friend talks to the nice one.

So, if you're in the Houston area and would like to "get lucky" call me...I'll go out with you, wave my magic wand and depending on our level of friendship give you free reign of my home...I'll even wash the sheets myself!

Until next time...

Mandy

How Are We Not Dead?

The majority of my stories from my past are funny but I do have some scary ones. Here's one that when I look back I say to myself, "Thank God we made it out of that one alive."

Channelview 1994 - Second semester of my senior year.

In 1994 Latischia and I started running around together. We were both really sheltered girls that thought we had a handle on everything. We thought everyone was basically good and even if they weren't good...we were indestructible.

We met these two guys one night and exchanged pager numbers. The boys came over to her house a couple of times and we all talked on the phone...we thought they were harmless.

One night, we get a page from them and when we called them back they asked us if we could do them a favor. When we asked what it was they said they needed us to drive them to Greenspoint to pick up some "cookies."

OK, for those of you who don't live in the Houston area, Greenspoint is pretty much the ghetto and back in 1994 it was even worse because they had not yet built the police substation. Laticshia and I, being the good girls from Channelview, had no idea that Greenspoint was bad. We never went that far north...there was never any reason to. And when they said they had to pick up cookies, I thought Nestle Tollhouse, drugs never even came to mind. So, we pick the boys up...Latischia was driving, and one of the boys asked me if I wanted to get something to drink for the ride. Being 18 and a novice when it came to alcohol consumption I said, "Sure, get me some Strawberry Hill." (I was 18, what do you expect...Boone's Farm was easy to come by.) So, we're driving to Greenspoint and I'm drinking my classy wine drink. We finally make it to Greenspoint and we go to some apartments, Tish and I are told to wait in the car and they will be right back...

A half an hour later, they get back in the car and tell us they need to go to their friend's house in Cloverleaf. (People not from East Harris County - Cloverleaf is almost as scary as Greenspoint...it's just more compact.) So, we drive to some crappy, little apartments - it wasn't even a complex, just some old house that was converted - and we all get out of the car and walk in. Remember, I have drank an entire bottle of very cheap, very bad wine so I'm drunk. We walk into the apartment and I see a guy that was friends with one of my exes, his name was Big Dave. We hug and say hi and then, the boy that bought the alcohol for me looks at me and says...

Him: Hey Mandy.
Me: What?
Him: Come here.
Me: OK.

He leads me into a back bedroom and closes and locks the door. Then about 4 different guys come out of the bathroom and are looking at me.

Me: Who are they?

Latischia: *Banging on the door* MANDY, OPEN THE DOOR!!!
I go over and open the door
Me: What?
Latischia: We have to leave now!
Me: Why, what's wrong?
Latischia: Mandy, there are guns in the window and cocaine on the coffee table, we have to leave NOW!
Me: OK, let's go.

So, we get in her car and leave. But, for some reason, all the boys follow us back to Latischia's house. How they got in, has escaped my memory...I was still a little drunk at this point. So, I start walking back to Latischia's room to change clothes and those same boys start to follow me...then, Big Dave says, "Mandy, come here, I want to show you something in my car." So, I follow him outside and he makes me sit on the hood of his vehicle...

Big Dave: Look at me.
Me: What?
Big Dave: What are you doing? Why are you hanging out with those guys?
Me: I don't know...we've all just been talking and having fun.
Big Dave: You don't need to associate with those two anymore and you need to be careful who you drink around.
Me: Why?
Big Dave: Do you have any idea what they were about to do to you in there?
Me: No, what?
Big Dave: Mandy, you're smarted than this...they were about to rape you.
Me: Oh my God, are you serious?
Big Dave: I'm going to go get everyone out of there...don't talk to these people anymore.
Me: *dazed* OK, thanks Dave.

And with that Dave bends over and kisses me. He goes in the house and get everyone out and they leave. I saw Big Dave a couple of times after that and then we lost touch. I'm not sure what happened to him or where he lives now, but I do hope he is doing well.

Thanks Dave!

Until next time...

Mandy

Sex Stories...

When they're embarrassing, they never get old.

I found an old boyfriend on facebook yesterday, the reason I looked him up is because he came up in a conversation I was having with a new friend. Here's how it started...

Where is the weirdest place you've ever had sex?

I told him I had never done "it" anywhere that would be considered weird...so, I told him my most embarrassing sex story.

One night, when I worked a the hotel by Intercontinental Airport, one of the bellmen that I had been flirting with and I decided to go to Clayton's for a couple of drinks. At the time, I was 20 and he was 23...he was also married. (Don't judge me, I was 20.) After we had our couple of drinks we decided to go riding around in my car...a Pontiac Sunfire. We end up on some street next to the airport runways...he was in the driver seat and I was in the passenger seat. We started making out and one thing led to another...his pants were off and my skirt was up around my waist. Let me say this...I'm 5'8" and he was 6', and guess what...we were too tall to have sex in a Pontiac Sunfire. So, we pretty much gave up and decided to sit there a little longer and just talk...him with no pants and me with my skirt around my waist. When I looked out the window I noticed a car pulling up...

Mandy: Oh look, there's a car pulling up next to us...Huh, someone is getting out...Wait a minute, they're walking over here...and then all of a sudden

TAP TAP TAP

It was a cop, tapping on the driver side window with a very large flashlight. So, the boy rolled the window down...and remember, he still has no pants on...not even undies.

The Cop: What's going on here?
The Boy: Nothing now.
The Cop: *Looking at me* Ma'am, are you here on your own accord?
Mandy: Yes Sir.
Thoughts in Mandy's head: OH MY GOD! I AM GOING TO JAIL, I WILL HAVE TO CALL MY MOTHER AND HAVE HER BAIL ME OUT BECAUSE I'M HALF NAKED, HAVING SEX WITH A MARRIED MAN ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!
The Cop: I think y'all need to get out of here.
The Boy: Yes sir.

And with that, The Boy put the car in drive and drove for at least a mile sans pants. We finally get to a stopping point...fix our clothes and we drive back to get his car. We actually kept seeing each other for a little bit after that, then we stopped, then 6 months later he called me and told me that he and his wife were getting divorced, so we started dating again. We did the on-again, off-again thing a couple of times. Then, in 99 he started dating someone and we lost touch.

To this day, whenever anyone asks me, "Where's your favorite place to have sex?" I immediately think of The Boy and I smile and always answer, "In a bed, in a room with a door...Cops don't care if you're in a bed, in a room, with a door."

I actually talked to The Boy yesterday...when I told him why I had looked him up he said, "Oh my God, I was just telling someone that story two weeks ago!"

I found out he married the girl he met in '99 and they now have a two year old. It sounds like he's doing well and that makes me very happy for him. He was a good boyfriend...he deserves happiness.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Told You I Don't Like That!

I hate discussing bodily functions, most of you know this. I even tell people when I first meet them, "I don't discuss bodily functions, I pretend they don't exist." Now, if someone made that statement to me, I would avoid poop conversations...Especially if I was trying to "woo" that person.

I have a gentleman calling me at the moment and I have told him about my detest of all things poop related and how I just don't even talk about it. I'm sorry, but there are a lot of things going on in the world right now, talking about poop or anything else of that nature shouldn't be high on your topic list. But oh no, y'all know me, I attract the weirdos...

When talking about his children...

Yep, I've been wiping butts for the past 5 years.

Really, was it necessary to put it that way? I just responded with an "Oh."

After finding out that I don't like the topic of bodily functions...

So, I guess you don't like the word diarrhea...

No, I don't...I think I just made that clear, but why don't you throw in the word fart, just to make this conversation that much more uncomfortable for me.

And here's the discussion from last night...

Him: I had sushi for dinner.
Me: Yum, that sounds good.
Him: Then I went and got some ice cream.
Me: Oh my, you put dairy on top of the raw fish?
Him: Well I didn't eat them together.
Me: But still, that's like eating fish with a milkshake...just the thought of mixing dairy with raw fish makes my stomach turn.
Him: Well, I look at it this way...it all makes the same turd.
Me: Um, gross...that's disgusting.

OK, I know I'm a little freaky weird about the poo talk...but even if I wasn't, the word "turd" is not sexy...I just think if you're trying to woo someone and you want them to go out with you why would you talk about poop?!

Seriously, how do these people find me?

Until next time...

Mandy

September 4, 1924

The greatest man in the world was born 85 years ago today; well, the greatest man in my world. Of course I'm talking about The Paw Paw! Seriously, everyone should have a Paw Paw! If you're new to Mainly Mandy, I'll fill you in on the awesomeness that is THE PAW PAW!

When my sperm-donor left, back in 1979, a very pregnant-the mother, took little Mandy to Nanny and Paw Paw's house where they took us in and Paw Paw started building a house for The Mother, The Mandy and the yet-to-be-born Megan behind his house. The three of us lived in that little 950 square foot house until I was 22...

The Paw Paw reading to little Mandy

The Paw Paw playing Uno with little Mandy after her first dance recital.

Us again.

Present day Paw Paw with my youngest nephew, Victor.

Here's a conversation my mother and I had recently...

Me: I just want to find a guy that will get the shit off the top shelf.

Mom: Mmmhmmm...

Me: Someone who will say, "I'm taking your car to have the oil changed."

Mom: Right.

Me: A dude that's going to ask, "Is your cell phone charged???"

Mom: OK.

Me: Someone that wants to take care of me, not because I need them to, but because the want to!

Mom: Well, what you want is a Paw Paw, and I'm sorry, but they don't make that model anymore!

And that's true, they don't. I've always said that I want what my grandparents had. Do you know that, 'til the day my Nanny died she swore up and down that she didn't know how to put gas in her car. Whenever she'd get to a quarter of a tank, she'd tell Paw Paw and he would take it to the gas station and fill it up. NOW, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAW PAW! Hope your day is fabulous!

Until next time...

Mandy

Apparently...It's Me.

As most of my long time readers know, when I first started this little online journal type thing it was basically a "diary" of being single after a six year relationship. So, I joined an online dating site. Personally, I think online dating is an awesome way for people over 30 to meet others in their age bracket also the city of Houston is large and not just our population...I have no idea how many square miles Houston, TX is, but take my word for it, it would take you several hours to drive around the entire city...so online dating lets you meet people on the other side of the city that you would have never had the opportunity to meet had it not been for the internet. The last time around, I think I did it for 6 or 7 months then I decided to give it a rest, but I knew I would most likely try it again.

So, here we are. A friend of mine and I decided that we were both going to join sites...she joined Yahoo, which is the one I used the last time and I joined Match. She, is now talking to two different guys...one is a very cute IT guy that works for a lawyer in the galleria area and another guy who is hotter than Georgia asphalt and owns an international heavy equipment company, so he travels all over the world.

How have I done, you ask? Well, let me tell you...the first guy seemed promising, but it didn't pan out. The second guy...he's a toll booth operator! And today, today I was contacted by a lovely gentleman. Here's an excerpt of his profile...

a perfect match 4 me wud be a girl dats open about almost anything, n has a beautiful personality n cute feet, i do have have a foot fetish, but im not crazy with it r weird about it

How do these people find me? This is actually copied and pasted from his profile...his whole profile is chock full of dis, dat and im lookin 4. I'm sorry, but he's 33 years old, why does he feel the need to speak like that? And seriously, who just puts it out there they like feet? I mean don't get me wrong, I'll take a good toe sucking any day, but that's besides the point. :)

Freaks and potheads...I guess I need to go invest in some pedicures and some grow lights.

Until next time...

Mandy