G-Strings, Boyshorts and Pasties

**Ssome of the language and topics in this post may be offensive to some people. Consider yourself forewarned.

Last Friday night, I met some friends of mine for drinks for their 5th wedding anniversary. While were sitting at the restaurant, another friend of mine called and asked me what I was doing that evening. I told him that I had planned on finishing my drink and go home. Then I looked at my friends and said, do y'all want to do anything else this evening??? That's when the plan came together...



WE WERE ALL GONNA GO TO THE STRIP CLUB!



So, my friend (who is male, by the way) shows up at the restaurant, we go and park our vehicles at my apartment, load into my other friend's vehicle and zoom off to "The Club."

I have met women who have said, "There is no way, I would ever go to a topless bar." Which, I don't understand. I mean really, you're just looking at boobs. Now, butt-naked bars...no thank you . I have no desire to see another woman's poonanie. Much less busted, stripper poonanie. I don't know, it just seems like the butt-nakeds would smell weird. And yes, I use the word poonanie. It's a fun word to say...go ahead, say it out loud POO NA NIE. And, I don't think it sounds nearly as tacky as pussy or twat. Although, twat is another fun word to say...and it doesn't get used nearly enough. Sorry, I kind of went on a weird tangent there.

So we get to the bar and find a table. I feel I need to explain something about Texas before I move on. If you are a stripper in Texas, you have two stripper options.

1. You can be licensed. I'm not sure what the licensing procese entails, but if you are licensed you have to wear a photo ID somewhere on your body. With the license you can dance totally topless and wear a G-string. (There was one licensed woman at the bar we went to.)

2. You can be unlicensed. When you are unlicensed, you have to wear full bottoms (i.e. bikini briefs or boy shorts) and you cannot have exposed nipples. I was told Friday night, that if a policeman came into the bar and there was a stripper with exposed nipples and she did not have a license, he could take her directly to jail.

All the unlicensed strippers I have seen have always had latex over their nipples, which looks REALLY odd. Like they have nippleless boobs. If I was a stripper, I would get pretty sequined pasties or ones with tassels. Come on ladies, ADORN THOSE BOOBIES!

I do wonder one thing. If you are a stripper at a butt-naked and you are not licensed, do you have to cover your nipples even though you have an exposed poonanie? Or, to work at one of these establishments, are you required to be licensed? The gentleman's club industry is a total mystery to me.

Pole dancing has always fascinated me. I am always so impressed with these girls that can climb to the very top and spin, upside down, down to the bottom. And they always look so graceful doing it. I do have one gripe though, it seems like they master one trick and they just keep doing it over and over again. Come girls, mix it up a little. Oh, and the thing y'all do at the front of the stage, where you make your butt jiggle...it's not sexy, it's kind of gross. Here's another piece of advice...If you're going to do a cat roll, learn how to do one properly. Keep your legs straight and your toes pointed. One last thing...practice getting up off the floor, there is nothing graceful about how y'all get up. Try this...Z sit, come up on one knee, then stand up...it's not rocket science ladies. Sorry, another tangent.

Since I'm an ex-dancer (classical not pole) I will only tip dancers that entertain me (Not in a ooh, that turns me on kind of way, but a oh look at her, she's actually making an effort to be sort of artistic and trying different things.) So, this one girl gets up on the stage and not only is she gorgeous, she does several different tricks with the pole and she looks to have some sort of dance training. So, I get some money out of my purse and walk up to the stage. She wiggles her way over to me and gets down on her knees and I am expecting her to pull her bottoms out a little so I can stick the money in her boyshorts. Well, she didn't do the universal stripper money taking thing. No, she put a hand on either side of my head and THRUST IT BETWEEN HER TWO BOOBS!!! And then, proceeded to SHIMMY! I immediately, pulled my head back, and screamed "NO MA'AM!" then I threw my money at her and walked back to my seat. I'm sorry, but do not put your boobs in my face. I don't know you, I have no idea what's been between your boobs and you know what, you have no idea where my face has been. Needless to say, I didn't tip anyone else that night.

Until next time...

Mandy