The Dick Fairy!

*This entry contains language that could be offensive to some. Also, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent!*


I am a Dick Fairy. Seriously, when I go out with girlfriends, it's like I wave my magic wand and Bippity, Boppity, Boo...they get some! It's always been this way, I'm just good luck for these bitches.

Friday night, I went out with two of my girlfriends, Molly and Holly. We were at this very cool little bar in midtown that I have grown to love and these girls and I are slowly becoming regulars. Anyway, last week my friend, Molly (who is my age) made out with a 23 year old stand up bass player. (The mention of his instrument will come into play later in the story.) So, Friday night Molly and I were sitting on the patio and we were watching, Pete, load his instrument in the back of his Volkswagon Jetta Wagon. And then the text messages start...

Molly - Pete: We should hook up.
Pete - Molly: OK, Jackass and I are going to Warren's you should come with us.
Molly - Pete: Holly is talking to a guy in her car, so I don't have a way over there.
Pete - Molly: You can ride with us.
Molly - Pete: What about Mandy?
Pete - Molly: We can make room for her.

So, Molly looks at me and says, "Let's go!" To which I reply, "OK." So, we take Holly her purse and walk over to Pete's vehicle and find out the seating arrangement...

Pete in driver seat and his friend in passenger seat.
Molly in the seat behind Pete and top half of stand up bass in seat behind Pete's jackass friend.
bottom half of stand up bass in the right half of the hatchback and Mandy in the left half of the hatchback.

That's right people, I folded my 5'8" body in half and crawled, backwards, into the hatchback of a Volkswagon Jetta Wagon and had to share the space with the big end of a stand up bass. I looked like one of those plush Garfields with the suction cups on the feet that people used to put on their windows. I will say this, I have ridden in a hatchback before, but I was in my early 20's and when you're in your early 20's you don't think of the dangers...but in your early 30's everything bad that could happen races through your mind. This is all I could think...

OH HOLY JESUS! IF WE GET REAR ENDED ONE OF TWO THINGS IS GOING TO HAPPEN:

1. I WILL DIE.
2. I WILL BE SEVERELY MAIMED FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

So, we're driving through downtown Houston and I never realized how weird it would be to drive everywhere in reverse. We get to Warren's and Pete pops the hatch and helps peel me out and we go and find a spot at the bar. So, the seating arrangement is...

Molly, Pete, Me and Jackass.

So, Molly and Pete are talking and I find out that Jackass is a grad student, teaches cello lessons part-time, and wants to either be in the symphony or a professor when he grows up. Then, there's some awkward silence and I look at him and say...

Me: Look, I'm not trying to hit on you, I'm just trying to have a conversation.
Jackass: Well, you know, this place has a fabulous jukebox, maybe you should go and play some music.
Me: So, basically, you're telling me to go check out the jukebox and leave you the hell alone.
Jackass: Basically.
Me: OK. *grabbing my purse and pulling ones out and then picking up my drink* Fuck you (smiling sweetly.)

So, I go to the jukebox and play some music and walk back over to the bar and walk over to Molly...

Me: Give me a cigarette.
Molly: Mandy, no you've done too good.
Me: Bitch, you brought me here in a hatchback and sat me next to a jackass...give. me. a. cigarette!
Molly: OK...let's walk outside.

So, we're standing outside and I look at Pete and say...

Me: What's up with your friend, does he think I want to fuck him or something
Pete: No, he's just not all that impressed with you.
Me: Oh really? Well, as impressed as he is with me, I'm even less impressed with him. First of all, his face looks like his butt and...

I feel as though I need to preface the next statement with this one...I have never lived in a trailer park...

Me: Secondly, could you let him know that I wouldn't fuck him with someone else's pussy!
Molly: We need to go.
Me: Yes we do.

So, we walk back in and the bartender tells us our tab is $25. So I throw two $20's on the bar.

Molly: Mandy, you can't pay for everyone's drink.
Me: It's OK, I don't mind...I may not have a degree, but at least I have a fucking job.
I get my change, leave a $5 on the bar and look at Molly and Pete and say, "Let's go."

So, back at the car, I fold myself into the hatchback again so we can take jackass back to his apartment, when he's getting out of the vehicle he says...

"Had fun, Pete. Regardless."

To which I yell from the hatchback..."FUCK YOU!"

I'll admit, my exchange with the jackass was not one of my finer moments...but, I have this theory that it takes so much energy to be a total and complete dick, why not just be nice to people and use that energy for something else.

Anyway, after jackass gets out of the car, I get to get in the backseat...where the air conditioner vents can be felt!

So, we're driving back to Molly's house and once we get there I hand her the keys to my apartment and tell her to have fun and be careful!

The next morning when I get to my apartment, I walk upstairs and notice something shiny on the half-wall in my bedroom. So, I called Molly...

Me: Hey, the next time I see Pete I'm going to say, "What's up P.I.?"
Molly: Why would you say that?
Me: Because he left his Magnum condom wrapper on my half-wall!
Molly: OH MY GOD! Are you serious?
Me: Yep, good job!

After being single for the past 33 years I've learned one thing...Nice guys always travel with a jackass friend and somehow I always end up having to talk to the jackass while my friend talks to the nice one.

So, if you're in the Houston area and would like to "get lucky" call me...I'll go out with you, wave my magic wand and depending on our level of friendship give you free reign of my home...I'll even wash the sheets myself!

Until next time...

Mandy