Yesterday Was a Sad Day.

My facebook wall will explain it all...

The day started out with a wall post from my sister. The comments that follow make me laugh.

Megan: Are you ok? you're not locked in a padded room somewhere are you?


Amanda: I'm fine...why do you ask?
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Megan: You didn't hear? Seth Rogen is engaged.
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Jack: Its true Amanda...however, Lindsey Lohan should be out of jail soon and if you play your cards right she can blow that relationship to smithereens. If that does not work just remember it is a Hollywood relationship and she be over within 18 months or so
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: I'd like to thank both of my siblings for their support in this very rough time in my life. I'll be okay, it'll just take time. *as a single tear rolls down my cheek.*
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Jack: I Just got a call from Rogen's people and they asked me if I would officiate the wedding...I told them "Are you kidding me, the guy just broke my sisters heart, no way I want to help that scumbag!" Then they told me what the honorarium was....sorry Amanda - I must do the Lords will!
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: That's going to be very interesting considering he's Jewish. But, I understand. Just let him know before the ceremony that he's missing out on one awesome, tall, chunky, southern girl. 22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Megan: Jack....just "forget" to sign the marriage licence.
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: Ooooh, I like that, Megan. Jack, can you make that happen?!?!?
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Jack: Megan - AWESOME IDEA! Amanda - For that chunk of change I will convert - I studied Hebrew in Seminary
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Megan: She's just after his celebrity! May he get her one of those rings that cannot be cut off with any thing and may she smash her finger in the limo door.
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: Megan, this is why I ♥ you!!!
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Megan: Lol I'm the red one on the right while Jacks the white one on the left!
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Doug: I got your back ;)
20 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Then, I posted this on my wall...

Amanda: It's a sad day in my usually happy, little bubble.
Seth Rogen Gets Engaged.
23 Hours Ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · View Feedback (8)Hide Feedback (8)

Jack: She is a complete looser - what a tramp!
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: I totally agree! I don't know how I'm going to break the news to Rogen the Wonder Pup. He's going to be very upset...He was looking forward to being Rogen Rogen.
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Jack: This quote from the article"Seth has joked before, “I have a girlfriend who is far prettier than I should have,” though we’re assuming he made that crack before he was a skinny, in-demand comedy star and looked more like a sarcastic grizzly... bear escaping from the zoo. Either way, we couldn’t be more excited for the happy couple. Now we just find a fiancée for Jonah Hill so he doesn’t start moping around the house watching ANTM marathons. One, two, three, not it!"

#1 - You loved him when he was the sarcastic grizzly bear escaping from the zoo!

#2 - That Jonah Hill kid is still available and may I say as a completely heterosexual male....he is pretty hot!
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: This is why I ♥ you, Jack.
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Megan: She'll get tired of his newly shaven face, greek god physique and throw him away soon enough!
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: One can only hope!
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Jack: Megan - are you talking about Seth or my wife Dorothy, because that woman loves my clean shaven face and greek god body!
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Megan: Seth's girl, Dorothy would never!
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

My sister and I did not grow up with our brother...I think it's weird that our sense of humor is all pretty similar. I guess DNA is a powerful thing.

And Seth, if you're reading this, DON'T DO IT! You're supposed to marry me!!!

Until next time...

Mandy

Phrases Mandy Hates

In the past I have started segments here on Mainly Mandy that I stick to for a little bit and then they go by the wayside, this will probably be the same way, but I decided to start a new thing...

PHRASES MANDY HATES!

Are there certain phrases that people use that just completely irritate you, I have several. To start out this little segment I will tell you one that irks me to no end...

Using baby girl as a term of endearment.

example: It's so good to see you, Baby Girl, how have you been?

I don't know where this nickname came from, the only thing I can figure out is it started getting used quite often after Sugarland released, Baby Girl. When the song first came out, I'm not going to lie, I thought it was a catchy little diddy. Now, it makes me grit my teeth.

It really bothers me when refer to their adult daughters this way...

That's my baby girl over there.

Really, that 20 year old sitting there with her thong sticking out of the back of her pants, chugging beer out of a beer bong is your baby girl?

And it REALLY irritates me when someone refers to me as their "baby girl." Especially when it's one of my good ol' boy customers.

Baby girl, do you think you can get a man on the phone so I can ask him what kind of hydraulic oil I need to put in my forklift?

I am 34 years old and been in this industry for 10 years now, I think I can help you.

It even bothers me when people refer to kids as baby girl.

My baby girl starts 2nd grade today.

I'm sorry, but if you are no longer wearing diapers, you should never be referred to as baby girl!

Until next time...

Mandy

Thanks For Blowing Me Off!

Friday night, I got together with some of my alumni girls. I always call them my Young Ones, because none of them are 30 yet. And, apparently when I'm with My Young Ones I think that I'm not 30 yet. Well, that's not true, My Young Ones act like I'm not 30 yet. So, needless to say, I got INTOXICATED Friday night. I think I've stated before that I'm a beer girl, I'm not into fruity drinks and I don't like shots, except for one...Jagermeister. Jager and I have been good friends since 2002 or 2003. I don't mean Jager Bombs, I'm talking straight Jager.

Anyway, so I'm sitting at the table with JoLyn - 28, Lindsey - 23, Alicia - 27 (who is the bartender there) and Terry, JoLyn's boyfriend - 29. NONE OF THESE PEOPLE WERE BORN BEFORE 1980! I'm not sure how many shots of Jager Alicia brought me, all I know is I didn't order but one of them. Back to the story...We're sitting there and all of a sudden JoLyn looks at me and says...

JoLyn: You're not going to believe who just walked in.
Me: Who?
JoLyn: Mexican Seth Rogen.

Do y'all remember Mexican Seth Rogen?

And, my faithful readers, when I looked up I saw him standing there with another friend of mine. So, I looked at my friends and said, "I'm going to say hi to Mem!"

After a brief conversation with Mem, I looked at him and he said...

MSR: Hi, Amanda! How are you?
Me: I'm good. How are you?
MSR: I'm great.

And if I hadn't already been creepy enough...I pull the creepy drunk girl...

Me: That's good. You blew me off!
MSR: No I didn't.
Me: What the eff ever! Yes you did. How's your daughter doing?
MSR: She's good. I have a second daughter now, she's 8 months old.
Me: THANK YOU FOR BLOWING ME OFF!!! I want no part of your fertileness!

With that I turned around and walked away. The next morning, in my haze of feeling like hammered asshole, I realized something...

I'm no mathematician, but I do believe that girl was pregnant when he and I started talking. So, maybe I wasn't creepy girl...maybe he's just fertile jackass boy.

Nah, I'm sure my creepiness had a little to do with it...and I'm sure my confronting him in the middle of the bar didn't help my claims of normalcy. Oh well! :)

Until next time...

Mandy

Slinging a Hot Dog Down a Hallway

I was talking to a friend last night and we were talking about photos that women send via text messaging. Let me start this by saying, I'm all for women feeling sexy and empowered...I don't personally do the naked text photo, but I know there are women that do. I don't do it because once you hit send then that photo belongs to the recipient and they can do whatever they want with it. And, I'm sorry, I do not want my naked body being sent to an entire phone list whether it be on purpose on on accident. But, I get it, if you're comfortable enough with your body and you have no plans on running for public office and you're sending it to your significant other, then whatever...go for it. I don't understand the photos that women send to men that are just of their lady parts...but, hey, if you want to give someone a gynecological eye view of your hoohaa, have at it. But again, you run the risk of your nether regions being blasted out to the masses.

With all that being said, there seems to be a growing trend of photos being taken by average, everyday women with household items inserted in their lady box. After hearing about some of the photos that my friend has received, from women he IS NOT in a relationship with, I was basically mortified.



Pillar Candles. I can honestly say, I've never looked at a candle and thought, hmmm how awesome would that be to get up on that!


A baseball bat. "HEEEEEY, BATTER, BATTER, BATTER..." Really, did you watch your child play t-ball and think to yourself, "I have to have that in me!"




Golf Clubs - Insert Tiger Woods joke here.


The Base of a Table Lamp - This was my only question when I heard this one..."How much lube would you need to get that up in your punani?"



A Bowling Pin - Who has a bowling pin in a closet and if you do who thinks to themselves, "I wonder what it would feel like to have a bowling pin in me?" I didn't even ask what end was inside, I really don't think I want to know.



A Bowling Ball - Really? It just doesn't seem like you'd snap back from that.

So, here's my question, do men find this sexy? I'm trying to figure out the thought process behind this. Maybe I'm nuts, but I don't want to do anything to my C U Next Tuesday that's going to make me look like I'm all stretched out. The bad thing is, these are just women that he either knows from random meetings in bars or hook-ups. This is what I told my friend..."If these women, that you don't know, are sending these photos to you, what the hell are they sending to people they actually do know?"

Here was the Mandyism of the night...

I'm sitting here, looking around my living room and there is nothing that I would want to do that with, especially since I would have to dust whatever is first.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Have a New Friend!

I have a new friend and his name is Sam. We met back in February and have become besties! Seriously, I never thought I could become such good friends with a someone in such a short period of time. He is kind of the male equivalent of me when it comes to dating. We both attract the freaks of nature. The majority of our conversations revolve around the weirdos that are attracted to us. It feels good to finally be the one that gets to use the phrase, "Where do you find these people?"

To say that our friendship has been an eye-opening experience would be a bit of an understatement. I'll write more about that in a future post.

After talking to me for right at six months, he can finally understand the majority of the things that I say...At first, I had to repeat every other word because he couldn't understand me due to my thick southern accent, which I don't really get since he grew up in Georgia. (I don't think my accent is that bad, I don't hear any difference in the way we speak.) He is actually in the process of teaching me Hindi and I wish I had videoed or recorded some of our past lessons because the dialogue between the two of us is hilarious. I might have to do a re-enactment of the number portion of the lesson.

Probably one of the best things about having him as a friend is that I get the male perspective in the dating world. And, he's brutally honest which sometimes comes across as mean, but I know that he's only telling me these things to help me not hurt me.

Here are a couple of excerpts from some of out conversations...

Sam: So, did you talk to that guy?
Me: yeah, but he's only been separated from his wife for a month.
Sam: Ewwww, that's not good.
Me: Yeah, and he sounds really country...like, his accent is so bad, I could hear it.
Sam: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that's pretty bad.

Sam: So, that chic wants to go out tonight so she's going to her house to get an overnight bag and then meeting me back over here.
Me: What?
Sam: She's meeting me over here.
Me: You don't listen to a damn thing I tell you, do you?
Sam: What?
Me: You know what, for being a card-carrying member of Mensa, you sure do make some stupid decisions.
Sam: HAHAHAAHAHAHAH, there's my Mandyism for the day.

Sam: It's raining over here.
Me: (while driving) Yeah, it looks like I'm about to go into some bad weather.
Sam: Yeah, I'm watching the weather on the local news.
Me: Have they shown the minority kids playing in a ditch full of water yet?
Sam: Huh?
Me: Okay, it's raining, I have to go.

the text I received shortly there after...

Sam: There it is. Black kids playing in the water. Damn, you know your peeps.

And those are just the first couple that pop into my head. I could do a daily post on conversations between the two of us.

Until next time...

Mandy

Oh, sorry about the lack of posts lately...I'll try to be a better blogger in the future. :)

F is for Fetish

I think my love of Bettie Page has given me a fetish aura. Now not only are the freaks and weirdos contacting me, but people with not so common fetishes are sending me emails.

Want proof, here ya go...

Bachelor #1:

I receive an email from a guy that sounded pretty normal. He owns some sort of company that does accounting services for small companies, he's pretty cute and he was very nice. So, I decided to give him my phone number.

After we exchange pleasantries, the conversation took an odd turn.

Him: So, you're 5'8"?
Me: Well, between 5'8" and 5'9".
Him: Wow, that's awesome.
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah, I'm 5'9"
Me: Well, at least you're taller than me.
Him: Yeah, unless you wear 4" heels.
Me: Well, I do have some shoes that put me right at 6'.
Him: That would be amazing. I would love to meet you with 3-4" heels on.
Me: You would want me to be towering over you?
Him: Absolutely.
Me: Hmmm, do you have an amazon fetish?
Him: Actually, yeah, a little.
Me: I bet you like Wonder Woman, don't you?
Him: Yeah, but who doesn't?
Me: That's true, I have a picture of me when I was little in Wonder Woman underoos and white go go boots. I thought I WAS Wonder Woman.
Him: Do you have any of you dressed as Wonder Woman now?
Me: Ummmm, no.
Him: That's a shame.
Me: Okay. I don't think they make underoos for adults.
Him: They should.
Me: Alrighty then.

I've always been self-conscious of my height. On the one hand, it would be pretty cool to go out with someone who loves tall women. On the other hand, I'm not into playing dress up in the boudoir...and it kind of sounds like he would want me to find a golden lasso of some sort.

Bachelor #2:

Sends me an email that says hello and asks if it would be possible for us to exchange yahoo messenger addresses. I've said before, I'll give my IM address to anyone...case in point, Monkey Boy. (Who, by the way, still messages me. He'll always say things like, "I miss you, love." I just ignore them now.) When I sent this man my yahoo thing, I did something that I never do...I didn't' look at his profile first.

So, we IM back and forth for a little bit, then I think..."Hmmm, maybe I should go check out his profile." So, there he is and he's pretty cute, but then I get to the section that says, "Most private thing I'm willing to admit." And I start reading it and this is what it says...

I'm attracted to women with ugly toenails, preferably those with toenail fungus.

yeah, that gasp that you just let out...multiply that by 100 and you will probably get my response.

Actually, he's really nice...but I'm sorry, I'm not letting my go of my pedicures and tromping around in the mud to try to catch toenail fungus for anyone!

I have a theory on fetishes...what's weird to one person is totally normal to someone else. That's why it's hard for me to answer the sex question that all men ask, "What's the weirdest thing you've ever done?" Because if I answer this, Missionary Guy might be repulsed and Adult Baby Diaper Guy might look at me and say, "That's it?"

Here's my thing, I don't care what you do behind closed doors...as long as you're not harming children, animals or the elderly, have at it and go enjoy yourself. But, baby diapers and toenail fungus, not interested...hope you find what you're looking for. Who knows, maybe I could do Wonder Woman...now where did I put my golden lasso???

Until next time...

Mandy

Karen Was Right

Creepy people do live in the internet.

Remember Monkey Boy? Well, he IMed me this afternoon and this is what it said...

if you are not my angel then what is an angel means????????????? you are my angel and is for real but you dont know that you are my angel coz if you do you will tell me that you want to see me because i want to see you and hug you tell everyone that the lord use you to bless me my sweet heart for ever....i love you more

I'm at a loss for words.

Until next time...

Mandy

Home Sweet Home

I'm going to discuss something today that I NEVER talk about...Credit and finances.

I've always thought that when I get married, my husband and I will buy a home with the white picket fence and the two cars in the garage. (No kids though, since the birthing process freaks me smooth out.) But, recently, I've taken a look at my life and thought, "I'm 34 years old, it's time to take matters into my own hands."

So, the other day I decided it was time to start thinking about buying either a townhome or condo. (I would rather one of these than a house as I do not have a green thumb and usually your HOA fees cover the roof, lawn maintenance, and other little things I have no desire to take care of.) I live in the Clear Lake area. For those of you not familiar with Houston, the Clear Lake area is south of Houston, I actually live down the road from NASA. In this area condos and townhomes are PLENTIFUL. So, I talked to the mortgage broker that helped The Mother get her home loan, he ran my credit, which because of stupid mistakes is not so stellar, and I found out that it's not as bad as I thought it was. It's not great, but it could be worse. Anyway, he told me that if I can raise my credit rating 30 points I should be good to go.

So, I have a new mission...get my credit in order.

I really am ready for a place for Rogen and me, somewhere that's mine. It's kind of scary, but I know I can do it.

So, here's a question for any of you out there that know anything about finance/money/credit...how hard is it to raise your score by 30 points and if you have any suggestions, I'm all ears. (Or eyes, since I'll be reading your comments.)

Until next time...

Mandy

A New Blogger

I have another friend that has joined the blogosphere...

Eric Under Glass

You really need to go check out his first post, he seriously has a gift for writing.

Go take a look...I promise, you won't be disappointed.

Until next time...

Mandy

Really...Seriously...

All I can say about tonight oddball is, WOW!



Let me start off by saying, I'll instant message with anyone...I don't care. Well, let me take that back, if the IM starts with, "Hey, wanna fuck?" I just ignore it and go about my business.



Tonight, I'm on my computer and I get a notification that I have a message on the online dating site that I'm on, so I go check it out. Here's what is says...



just goin thru your profile, i kinda find you interesting and would love to kno more bout you.well my name is XXXX XXXX and I'm from Bristol UK just in texas for some business i breed puppies and capuchin monkeys would love to chat with you maybe we can interact and get along



Of course he breeds monkeys, what else would he do? So, obviously, I had to find out what this was all about, so we exchange yahoo im addresses and here we go...

(My thoughts are in red.)

(This exchange was copied and pasted from yahoo messenger.)

Him: so how are you doing?

Me: I'm good...talking to a friend on the phone.

Him: ok take your time my lady
My lady, for real.
Me: It's fine. So, do you live in Houston or are you visiting?

Hin: visit my dear but am not there anymore just got back last week end

Me: you're back in England?

Him: yep am back

Greg Wood: right now am at home

Greg Wood: talking to you

Me: That's cool. I've always wanted to visit there.

Him: that will be great if you can do that
What the hell?
Me: I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Him: well i love texas so much and i wish i can stay long but i cant

Him: i ahve so many thing to do here in england

Me: Do you come here often?

Him: is my fist time delivery puppy to a family in the USA

Me: Wow, that must have been one speacial puppy.
Why would someone in TX buy a puppy from a breeder in the UK? Does the dog poop gold?
Him: to a very speacial family

Me: what kind of puppy?

Him: maltese very cute

Me: awww, those are cute. I have a pound puppy poodle mix.

Him: wow that a very sweet breed too
Last time I checked, pound puppy poodle mixes weren't on the AKC list.
Him: i sold them out

Me: yeah, i think he's a poodle bichon mix. how long were you in tx?

Him: just three days the weekend

Me: that's a really quick trip.

Him: yeah i have lots of thing to do over here that y\
Yeah, you mentioned that...what, are you "Kind of a big deal"

Me: oh really. So, where exactly do you live?

Him: I live in manchester but born in Bristol

Me: what about you

Me: I was raised in Channelview, but now I live in Seabrook...near Galveston.

Him: ok

Him: got any kids?

Him: i have a son but his a grown man and lives with his family

Me: no, and i've never been married.

Him: humm..ok\
Why is it that when I tell people I've never been married and don't have any kids I always get the hmmmm...

Him: with you want to get married some day?

Me: how old are you>

Him: 42 and you?

Me: maybe one day, I'm not willing to settle...I'm waiting for the one that will be there forever.

Me: I'm 34.

Him: me too

Him: nice age
Okay...
Me: is it?

Him: yeah

Him: so what happen to the last guy?
That's a little personal, but since he asked...here we go...
Me: the last guy dumped me for God.

Me: He said that he felt like he turned his back on God and needed to pray more.

Him: hummm..i dont understand please

Him: how is that possible

Me: I don't know, it came out of left field.

Him: left field?

Me: yeah, out of nowhere.

Him: he said he wants to become father ?

Me: no, he started going to a strange, almost cultish church...I have a feeling they told him he needed to try to work things out with his ex-wife.

Him: is not yours if he know who you are he will stay
What is up with the way he talks?
Me: yeah, looking back, I'm kind of glad it happened at 6 months and not years later.

Him: you are beautiful and i thank the lord that he lost you and i found you
Whoa, that was borderline creepy...you have no clue who I am.
Me: Ummmm, we're thousands of miles apart...

Him: but i was there last weekend and back home so it dont mater to me my dear
What the fuck does that mean? Yeah, you were here but now you're not...this guy is very odd.
Me: Okay, I'm not sure how to respond to that.

Him: is ok.. you dont have to

Me: What happened to your last girlfriend.

Me: is just that i like you and i wish we can move on and make friend then let the lord do the rest
He's bringing up the Lord an awful lot...
Him: my last gf?

Me: yeah, you asked me about my ex and now I'm asking you about yours.

Me: how do you know you know you like me...you don't even know me.

Him: i have a son a very handsome
Where did that come from?

Me: What does your son have to do with anything?

Him: his mother is late
To what?
Me: what?

Him: yes i lost her

Him: but we where not married tho

Me: as in, she passed away?

Him: yes

Him: she passed away the lord love her so much that he wants her to come over
That's one I've never heard...
Me: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Him: that is a long time now and since then i work hard to raise our son

Me: how old is your son?

Him: 29
WAIT A MINUTE!!!!
Me: how is that possible, you would have been like 13 when he was born.

Him: i was very small but with a rapid growth\
What does that even mean???
Me: Okay, well, I have to go to bed now...I have to get up early in the morning.

Yeah, I'm not sure what a rapid growth is, and I'm not sure I even want to know.

Only me, people...only me.

Until next time...

Mandy

Nothing But the Truth

Latischia called me last week and told me she had forwarded my blog to one of her friends, she went on to tell me that the friend then asked her, "Did all this stuff really happen to Mandy?" She laughed and said, "Yep, I've actually been present for some of it."

Just to set the record straight, everything that appears in this little online journal is 100% true and it all happened to me.

Let's see...

There was the phone call with the guy that made me realize what a freak magnet I am.

The married friend that turned into an octopus.

The guy that was really nice, but drank entirely too much.

The time a senior citizen was willing to pay me to look at my boobs.

Me ending up in a jail cell without my glasses or shoes.

The time I fell on my boob in front of a gaggle of lesbians.

When I let Laura try to pierce me with a rusty safety pin.

When Phillip quit his job and refused to find another one.

The first time Willie referred to me as Clydesdale.

The time I nearly broke my ankle because I thought my apartment was on fire.

Dodging a Hurricane.

The evening I was mistaken for a drag queen and had to puke in a men's room.

The old guy that tried to impress me with his boats, corvettes and acreage.

The night I got beat in the face with stripper boobs.

When I was "Creepy Girl"

Dealing with a big bunch of douche bags in Louisiana.

When I got caught with my skirt up.

The night I took a ride around downtown Houston in a hatchback, all so my friend could get laid.

When I got dumped for God.

and finally...The guy with the diapers.

After going back and reading all these posts, I can see where someone might be like, "Bless her heart."

Welcome, my new reader, I have a feeling things won't change...you're in for a treat. :)

Until next time...

Mandy

Another One Bites the Dust

I've mentioned before that I've thrown myself back into the world of internet dating. And, for you long time readers, you know that nothing good comes from my dates...well, not good for me, great for y'all because you get to laugh at my misfortune (which I wouldn't have any other way) and if you have a significant other, it makes you look at them and thank the baby Jesus that you're not me.

I went out with this guy last Thursday and he seemed nice enough, but there really wasn't any chemistry. There were no butterflies, no hoping he kissed me at the end of the night and not really any laughing...and y'all know me, there has to be laughing. Oh, and one important factor that I can't leave out...in his profile picture he had a goatee, we talked on the phone a couple of times and I agreed to go out with him then he dropped the bomb on me...I recently switched jobs and the plant I work in now doesn't allow beards so now I have a...wait for it...MUSTACHE! Yes, this man has a stand alone. What could I do, I had already agreed to go out with him, I couldn't say, "Sorry, a womb broom is a deal breaker." (I'm not totally shallow.) I did make the comment that only certain people could pull off the stand alone...like Magnum P.I. or Sam Elliott or Paw Paw...the rest of the world either looks ridiculous or like a porn star. When we met at the restaurant he looked at me and asked, "So, what do you think of the stand alone." To which I replied..."Well, it's a little porny." SERIOUSLY, WHO HAS A STAND ALONE!

I talked to my mom and several friends about it and said, "I don't know if I'm going to go out with him again." And every single one of them said, "Mandy, you can't make a decision after one date, you need to go out with him at least one more time." And my answer would always be the same..."But he has a womb broom!" And they all said, "You can probably convince him to shave it off." So, I agree to go see a band that one of his friends is in this Saturday...that was before last nights conversation.

Somehow the conversation turned to dogs, I was probably talking about Rogen or something.

Him: I used to train dogs.
Me: Oh really?
Him: Yeah, I used to train pitbulls how to fight.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Yeah.
Me: That is probably one of the most horrible things I've ever heard.
Him: What? Why? I was just a kid.
Me: Define kid.
Him: 16-21
Me: That's hardly a kid...you were old enough to know better.
Him: It's part of the culture.
Me: What culture?
Him: You know.
(He's half hispanic, that's the only thing I can figure out with the whole culture argument.)
Me: I don't give a fuck, it's wrong.
Him: It's not like we were Michael Vick and drowning dogs in the back.
At this point, I'm sitting with my mouth hanging open...I was in such disbelief that I couldn't even form words.
Him: Are you still there?
Me: Yeah, I just can't believe you trained dogs to fight.
Him: It's no big deal...it's just a sport, like boxing.
Me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! People who make pitbulls fight are the lowest form of human beings. And this whole comparing the dogs to boxers is ridiculous...Boxers have free will, if they don't want to fight, they don't have to. Nothing is going to happen to them if they say no to a fight. If a dog does bad in a fight, the owner kills them. Those people are pieces of shit!
Him: Hey, I had a friend who got 10 years probation and then they put his dog to sleep.
Me: THEY SHOULD HAVE PUT THAT BASTARD TO SLEEP...OR BETTER YET, PUT HIM IN THE RING WITH A COUPLE OF THE DOGS THAT YOU BASTARDS TRAINED.
Him: It's in my past, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not going to apologize to you for something I did over 20 years ago.
Me: I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO APOLOGIZE TO ME, WHAT BOTHERS ME IS THAT YOU DON'T SEEM TO REGRET DOING IT OR HAVE ANY REMORSE.
Him: Why should I, do you regret or feel bad about things you did in the past?
Me: I've never intentionally harmed another living creature!
Him: Like I said, it's part of the culture.
Me: You know, female circumcisions are also acceptable in certain cultures...THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT!
Him: Don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?
Me: No, I really don't think I am...I'm very much a live and let live person with two exceptions...I don't' care what you do as long as it doesn't harm children or animals. AND YOU HARMED ANIMALS!
Him: I told you, I'm not apologizing.
Me: I gotta go.
Him: Okay, I'll call you tomorrow.
Me: Bye - Click.

I don't think I'm being ridiculous at all...if he thinks this is okay, what else does he think is okay?

Yeah, I really don't see me going out with that bastard again. Seriously, who thinks it's okay to fight dogs!

Just goes to show you...unless you're Magnum P.I. or Paw Paw you should never trust someone with a stand alone, they're either porn stars, pedos or dog fighters.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Received an Invitation for a Pity Party, and I RSVP'ed YES!

Tuesday night, I sat down to watch The Biggest Loser. This is the first season I've ever watched of this program, but it gets me every episode. My eyes end up misting at least once every show, but Tuesday night was ridiculous...I had a total emotional meltdown.

Here's how it went...

I was sitting on my couch, eating tamales watching The Biggest Loser...apparently, I missed that O'Neal's brother passed away sometime during the taping of the show. During the last chance workout, he started to flip the eff out, beating on a machine, nearly hitting Jillian and he started crying uncontrollably. So, of course, I start crying...and I don't mean just misting up and one single tear rolls down my cheek, I'm talking sobbing, snotting, boo hoo crying. Then I start thinking, these people are up off their asses losing 100+ pounds, what's wrong with me, why can't I motivate myself to do something...I don't even like getting up off butt to walk The Wonder Pup.

Then it morphs into...

My friends suck! I'm always there for them. They call, I come...I don't have anyone that would just come over if I was sad. (Nevermind the fact that most of them have kids and can't just drop everything and drive to my house.) Why am I always the one that makes sacrifices for them? No one cares. *Sob, snot, boo hoo*

And then that morphs into...

No one is ever going to love me. I'm going to be old and alone! I might as well buy 57 cats, so I can go ahead and become that crazy cat lady that everyone already thinks I'm going to become...maybe I should buy a couple of muumuus also. I'm going to die in this tiny shoe box of an apartment, and no one will even realize it until the stench of my rotting corpse floats out onto my balcony. And then when they find me, I won't even be able to have an open casket because Rogen and the 57 cats will have eaten my face because they were hungry. *Sob, snot, boo hoo*

So, I decided to take a shower and when I looked in the mirror I thought, "I am old and alone...look at all the gray hair, and is that crows feet!?!?!? Oh my God!" *Sob, snot, boo hoo*

It was so pitiful, I was annoying myself. Once I got out of the shower, I called my friend Kathryn and she talked me off the ledge. She assured me she has gone through the same thing, so that made me feel a little less nutty.

I really think it had more to do with PMS rearing it's ugly head.

Until next time...

Mandy

Mandy-isms

I have coined a couple of new phrases that have become quite popular with my friends.


Unicorn
Nubicorn
Donkicorn

First, we'll start off with the unicorn

A unicorn, as you all know, is a mythical animal generally depicted with the body and head of a horse, the hind legs of a stag, the tail of a lion, and a single horn in the middle of the forehead. That's the definition in Merriam-Webster. Here's my definition...

A unicorn is a man that is a genuinely nice guy. He's the guy that opens doors, lights cigarettes, and calls or texts you just to say hi. The guy that will take the trash out without you having to ask him. The guy that remembers to put the seat down. The one that places his hand in the small of your back to lead you through a crowded room. The man that will just start rubbing your back for no reason. The guy that will get what you need off the top shelf. A guy that will ask you before you leave, "Is your phone charged?" and "Be careful, call me when you get there." The one that wants to take care of you, not because you need them to but because they want to. The guy that holds your hand or lightly strokes your leg when you're just sitting on the couch watching TV. A man that, although he might not like your friends, he accepts them. Someone who appreciates the nice things his girlfriend/wife/significant other does for him and does not come to expect it. A guy that on the first date doesn't automatically assume that because he bought you dinner/drinks/movie that you are going to sleep with him. And when you do finally sleep with him, he's more concerned with your satisfaction than his own. A guy that can look at you and tell you that you're beautiful even when you first wake up. A man that has his own opinions and respects that you have yours and never degrades or belittles you if your opinions differ from theirs. Someone who won't cheat on you. A man that loves you, not despite, but because of your dorkiness, weird quirks and flaws.

I call these men unicorns, because I think they're mythical...you always hear about them, but have you actually seen them? I thought I saw one once or twice but they ended up either being a nubicorn or a donkicorn.

A nubicorn is almost a unicorn, his horn just hasn't grown in all the way. He's a nice guy, but he falls short in some of the other categories. He might be nice to you, but he's rude to others. Maybe he treats you like gold but is rude to your dog/cat/fish. Or, he's great to you, but he refuses to go around your friends or family. A nubicorn has the potential of turning into a unicorn, but for the most part they usually turn into a donkicorn.

A donkicorn is just a donkey with a strange head growth. They aren't mythical, but they are magical. He's the guy that knows exactly what to say or do when he first meets you to make you think he's this super nice guy (i.e. a unicorn), but then he does something that makes you realize that he's not a unicorn, he's not even a nubicorn, he's just a plain, old jackass. He'll tell you things like, "Wow, I've never been able to open up to a woman like I can with you." or "I've never been as comfortable with anyone else as I am with you." or "I can't wait to see you again." And, of course, it's all crap. They don't mean any of it. Usually, they tell you this stuff on the first date and if you don't automatically strip and mount them, they just move onto the next unsuspecting unicorn hunter. They jump from girl to girl until they find one that hasn't been screwed over by that many donkicorns, and usually they'll date you for a couple of months but then he gets bored and decides to end it or cheat on the girlfriend so she'll end it with him or, take the really crappy route, and just never call or answer calls again. Here are some of the lame excuses a donkicorn might use...

It's not you, it's me.
I'm just not ready for a relationship right now.
You were the first person I went out with after I split with my wife.
I cheated on you because you've put on weight.
I feel like I've turned my back on God, so I can't see you anymore.

Yes, these are all excuses that Donkicorns have given me. Their magic is powerful, but it only lasts a short while. Once the magic fades away, and you're looking at that jackass with that bizarre bump on his head...kick him in the junk and run away!

Until next time...

Mandy

Aaaand, Here We Go Again

I was looking at my calendar today and realized I have a little over 6 months before I have to be the MOH in Latischia's wedding. That's when I thought to myself, "Okay, Mandy, it's time to get back on track...you had your mourning period complete with mass quantities of ice cream, fried food and other artery hardening indulgences, but enough is enough. You need to visit Jillian again."

So there you have it, I'm going to start the THIRTY DAY SHRED again. I probably won't blog about it every day, but I will keep y'all posted on my progress.

Until next time...

Mandy

What?

As you all know, I got dumped for Jesus a couple of weeks ago. The week after the dumping happened I went and hung out with my friends, Shawn and Brian. I was in a funk, feeling sorry for myself and thinking ridiculous things like...

There is something wrong with me.
I drive people away.
Maybe things would have been different if I spoke Spanish.
He wouldn't have left if I had been thinner.
It's because I'm so tall! I can only imagine what I look like when I walk in a bar...I probably look like Godzilla about to take out a small village in Tokyo! (Yes, this sentence actually came out of my mouth.)

That's when Shawn and Brian said to me..."Mandy, fuck him! He wasn't good enough for you, obviously, because if he was he wouldn't have left you."

So, when I got home, I thought to myself, "Yeah, fuck him!" So, I joined a dating website...it's the same website that my friend met her boyfriend. And you know what I've come to realize...I am a FREAK MAGNET!

On this website, when you're logged in, random people can IM you. And for some reason, the majority of the men that have contacted me think it's perfectly acceptable to ask me for sex two sentences into our conversation. Guys, this is not hot or sexy! But tonight's freak took the cake...

Guy: Hey, you're cute.
Me: Thanks.
Guy: How are you
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH NOT IMPORTANT
Guy: So, we live in the same area.
Me: Yeah, I guess so.
Guy: Do you want to go out sometime?
Me: I don't know, I haven't even talked to you yet.
Guy: Well, would you mind if I was totally submissive?
Me: Umm, excuse me, what do you mean?
Guy: Would you mind being my personal dominatrix?
Me: Wow, that's the first time I've ever been asked that. Is there something about me that looks like a dom?
Guy: No, not really, but you live so close.
Me: Ummm, no, I don't think I would be okay with that.
Guy: There wouldn't be anything sexual, you could put me in a nice collar and lead me around.
Me: Ummm, no, I don't think I would want to do that.
Guy: I'm not only into BDSM, I also like ABDL.
Me: Okay, I don't know what ABDL is.
Guy: Adult Baby Diaper Lover.
Me: Okay, that's it, I've got to go.

Now that I'm single again, y'all are in for a treat...weirdos, freaks and losers. If you have a significant other, go give them a hug.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Didn't See That Coming

I should have, but I didn't.

I'm sure you've noticed my lack of posts the past week. I've been in a funk for the past week and a half because The Guy and I are no longer seeing each other.

That's right, I've been dumped and when you read the reasoning behind, said dumping, you will understand my state of disbelief.

Here, let me walk you through it...

The Guy and I had a routine...his daughter and her mother live right down the road from me, so when he dropped his daughter off on Sunday evenings he would come straight to my house and stay with me. So, Sunday, February 21 I spoke with him at 5:15p.

Me: Can't wait to see you tonight.
Him: Yeah, I can't stay tonight, but I'm going to come see you for a little bit.
Me: Oh, you're not, why?
Him: I just have some stuff to do at the house.
Me: OK.
Him: Well, let me finish up here and I'll see you in a little bit.
Me: OK

Fast forward to 5:50pm...he calls.

Him: I can't stop by tonight, I have my nephew with me.
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah, but I'm definitely coming over there tomorrow.
Me: OK, whatever.
Him: I'll call you when I get home.
Me: OK.

Now, once we got off the phone, I knew something was off...fast forward to 8:00pm, the phone rings.

Him: Hey, how mad are you?
Me: I don't know, why do you think I'm mad?
Him: Because I blew you off.
Me: That's a pretty good reason, don't you think?
Him: (sounding shitty) I wasn't going to tell my nephew he couldn't come!
Me: Whatever.
Him: Do you want me to just talk to you tomorrow.
Me: No, I want you to tell me what the hell is going on.
Him: I really wanted to talk to you about this face to face tomorrow.
Me: Oh no, I think we need to talk about this right now.
Him: For the past week I've felt like I'm dying inside.
Me: What?
Him: I feel like I've turned my back on God.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: I just think that I need to pray more.
Me: OK.
Him: I feel like an adulterer and think it's best if I devote my life to the Lord.
At this point, I'm pretty quiet because I can't believe what I'm hearing.
Me: So, let me get this straight, you feel as if I've made you turn your back on God?
Him: No, I just think I need to spend more time in church.
Me: So, are you saying you don't want to see me anymore?
Him: I don't know what I want. I'm confused.

More talking

Him: I just don't know what to say.
Me: Well, when you figure it out, why don't you give me a call.

So, there you have it. I was dumped for God...how can you compete with The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit?

And you know, I should have seen it coming. He started going to this church after the first of the year and I noticed he was getting a little more Christian Fundamentalist after each Sunday, but two weeks prior to the dumping he had gotten REALLY bad. He made comments about how he wanted to teach abstinence only to his daughter, which I told him probably wasn't the best thing...sure, tell her the best thing to do is practice abstinence, but you might also want to educate her on safe sex...just in case. All of the sudden he had a massive case of homophobia, which in my opinion is the dumbest kind of phobia, he said things like "It's against God's will." I honestly thought this was just a really strange phase, but the more he said the more I started to think, 'If this phase doesn't end soon, we might have to end soon."

When I told my friend, Shawn, about what had happened he asked me what church he went to and when I told him the name he said, "Oh my God, that's the church that my friend's parents started going to, they brainwash people!" So, after hearing this bit of information I decided to some research on his church...I found out it is an 800 member church and found out that the doctrine they teach is considered by a lot of theologians to be somewhat of a cult. Then, I came across a newspaper article from 2008 that was about a youth minister that had just confessed to a murder that was committed in 1994 when he was 16 years old. Here are some quotes from that article...

He's a hero, really," said Kelley 24. "I don't know how many people would do what he did. The Bible says you just need to confess to God. Calvin took an extra step.

Inman's arrest should be a lesson in integrity, rather than a sinful scandal, many worshippers said.

To lock him away someplace and say he owes it to society is robbing the next generation of a mentor.

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand forgiving people is what your supposed to do, but apparently, this church talks about how homosexuality and premarital sex are horrible...but you can stab a guy in the chest and you want him to minister your youth? I don't get it.

So, it's probably best that this happened now.

Until next time...

Mandy

Day 5 of 30

I decided that I would weigh and measure every Friday...I would rather do that on Fridays rather than Mondays because Friday is before the weekend when you are more likely to drink and eat things that probably aren't the best choices in the world.

So, I got home this evening, but on my boxer shorts and tank, pulled out my measuring tape then stepped on the scale and you know what I found out...

Apparently, Jillian knows what she's doing.

Weight: -3.8 lbs
Bust: 0
Waist: 0
Hips: -.5"
Thigh: - 1.5"
Arm: -1.5"

I couldn't believe in just 5 days I had actually lost weight and inches! Especially since I haven't really modified my diet all that much. I've tried to make better choices...I went to Wendy's the other day and ordered the Grilled Chicken Sandwich and substituted the french fries with a side salad, but I've also had Mexican food and donut holes.

After 5 days the workout still hurts, although, it's getting a little bit easier day by day.

These results have made me excited to continue this challenge, hopefully next week I can report more body reductions!

Until next time...

Mandy

Day 4 of 30

Didn't want to do it, did it anyway...YAY ME!

Can't write much...The Guy (I tend to call him the boyfriend-type person) is here and we're watching the Olympics.

Until next time...

Mandy

Day 3 of 30

I really didn't want to workout tonight. This is usually what happens when I start working out, I do it for a couple of days and then I'm like screw it, I want to sit on my couch, watch TV and eat some cheetos. But, I didn't do that. I made myself put on my workout wear...boxer shorts (the best thing about doing workout videos), tank top and tennis shoes. I turned on my TV and DVD player and Jillian and I started working out. Like I've said before, this video is only 20 minutes long...

Warm up
6 minutes of strength training
2 minutes of cardio
1 minute of abs
Repeat 3 times
Cool Down

So, about halfway through I look at the clock and think to myself...ok, you can do this, just 10 more minutes.

In just three workouts I have come to realize there are some pros and cons of trying to workout in your home

Pros:
1. I can wear boxer shorts and no one sees me.
2. I don't have an audience watching me sweat and breathe like James Gandolfini.
3. I can immediately collapse on my big, comfy couch.
4. I don't have to change clothes or shower in a communal locker room.

Cons:
1. My apartment sits 6' off the ground, so when I jump it makes everything vibrate.
2. My apartment is approximately the size of a shoebox, so I have to rearrange my living room every time I want to work out.
3. When I do jumping jacks or simulate jumping rope, I have to make sure Rogen isn't in the way...I would hate to squish him in my quest for fitness.
4. When I lay on the floor to do the ab sections, Rogen thinks this is the optimum time to lick my face, arms, and hands. So, while I'm trying to catch my breath and do crunches, I'm also saying, "No, Rogen." "Quit licking, Rogen." "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...GO GET ON THE COUCH, ROGEN!" And then I feel bad for yelling at my little boy.

So far, three days in I'm pretty sore, but I also feel pretty good.

27 more days to go!

Until next time...

Mandy

Day 2 of 30

Day 2 hurts! That's all I really have to say about tonight's workout.

I do want to say, I really like this Jillian Michaels person. I have never seen The Biggest Loser, I have heard that she's really mean, almost bitchy. You know what I like about her...she tells it like it is. She doesn't try to make working out sound light and fluffy.

She says things like...

I know it hurts, but work through it that's when your body is changing.

You're fine, you can do it.

You can't get great abs by doing 5 crunches and stopping!

I appreciate her straight forward honesty.

Thank you Jillian...if I'm not dead after the next 28 days, I just might buy another one of your DVDs!

Until next time...

Mandy

Day 1 of 30

Last week I posted that I was challenging myself to workout for at least 30 minutes a day for 30 days.

Saturday, I was out with Latischia looking at Bridesmaid dresses and tasting cakes. I told her about my quest for fitness and that is when she told me that she had been doing this workout video by Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser, called The Thirty Day Shred. I thought to myself, that sounds perfect! The only problem, the video is only 20 minutes with a two minute warm up and two minute cool down. I thought to myself, "Fuck it, it's my challenge...if I want to change it a bit, it's totally fine." So, my challenge now is to complete 30 days of level one of The Thirty Day Shred.

Last night I went and bought a scale for my home and the video.

When I got home this evening I stepped on the scale and I think I heard it go AHHHHHH! Then I took my measurements

Weight: A LOT!
Bust: Pretty Big
Waist: Not small, although smaller than my waist and hips.
Thigh: Roughly the size of a tree trunk.
Hips: GIGUNDO!

I popped the DVD in and started my first workout. All I have to say is, Jillian Michaels is Evil! My legs are a little shaky, my arms feel like noodles, and who knew that I had abdominal muscles.

Day 1 down, 29 more days to go.

Until next time...

Mandy

A Challenge

I have recently been reading a blog written by a girl I went to high school with. Actually, we started out in preschool together. Just like so many classmates, we lost touch until the advent of myspace and facebook. We don't regularly comment on each other's posts , but one day I saw that she posted a link to a new blog she started called 30 Minutes for 30 Days. I thought to myself, "Wow, that's awesome! Maybe I should try that." So, that is what I intend to do.

Starting Monday, February 15, 2010, I will start my 30 in 30. I plan on following her same plan...

30 minutes of exercise a day for 30 days straight, and if I miss a workout, I will make it up with an added 2 days to the challenge.

I've stated here before that I hate, loathe and detest working out, so this is a huge challenge for me. What normally happens is I start, go about 2 days then I'm all...Fuck a big, bunch of this, I'm needing some couch time! So, I plan on posting a blog after every workout, just to keep me honest. You know they say it takes 21 days to form a habit, so you never know, maybe this will be the beginning of a new thing for me. (It could happen, I doubt it, but it could.)

Wish me luck!

Until next time...

Mandy

Anonymous

I love blogging. Really I do. It's hard to tell here lately, because there has been lulls between my posts. And, like most bloggers, I LOVE getting comments. I like hearing other people's point of view, especially when they differ from my own. I even like the mean, anonymous comments. Usually they just make me laugh. But none have made me laugh harder than the comments on a post from a year ago...Swagga Like Us.

I'm not sure if y'all remember this post or not, but basically it was the lyrics to this song and my thoughts and questions regarding the wording. I haven't posted anything since that has made people that I don't know so mad. Here are the three comments...

Rico said...
Dude, you got far too much time on your hands.Jealousy is a cruel possession to hold. Don't be hating on these Rap stars with a better lifestyle than you could dream up.Get off the internet and do something with yourself whilst you still have time.Peace.
April 8, 2009 4:39 PM

Here is my response to Rico.

Amanda said...
First of all, Rico, I'm not "hating" on anyone. As for having too much time on my hands...you, apparently, had time to read the whole post and leave me a comment. (Thanks for the comment, by the way.) This post was mostly satire. But, the lyrics make no sense. If they make sense to you, please explain it to me. When I say I HATE Kanye West, that is based on his rants about how he should have won awards, George W. Bush hates black people, etc...Lil Wayne, sorry, not impressed with him either. And, as far as lifestyle, I'm pretty happy with my life. I have said this before, this is my blog, if you don't like what I have to say, please don't visit again. My opinion of this song...IT SUCKS!Peace, dude.
April 8, 2009 5:24 PM

Anonymous said...
girl u fucking dumb he means pilgrims because they travel to places and he's saying he's christopher columbus cuz he descovered it meaning he created swagg and who da fuck are you to judge this song if u cant understand it shut up but dont bitch about !!!! fuck i hate when ppl comment on other peoples song why dont you try doing it ohhh and by the way hip hop is based on the hood and in the hood ayo is a word u dumb fuck
May 26, 2009 10:40 PM

Anonymous said...
wow.!!!(u pissing me dah fuk off( that means im mad) if u dont like diz sonq, dont listen 2 it.. y u correctin their grammer ..u an ass!!! rapperz arent stupid..hello!!! dey juz talk like dat cuz dey feel like it, in dah hood we dont give uh fuck so juz stick 2 ur country or rock music u white dumb bitch!!!
February 7, 2010 9:37 PM

All I have to say is WOW! Like I stated in my response to Rico, this post was mainly satirical. As most of you know from most of my posts I make fun of everything, mainly myself. When I posted this particular blog, I had no idea that it would be so controversial. I am making no apologies for posting this particular blog...I just thought y'all would find it as amusing as I did.

You know what I don't understand...all of these people are pissed off that I was making fun of the way these gentlemen speak. But, you know what, I have a very thick southern accent...people make fun of the way I speak all the time. I don't get upset and tell people to fuck off. People are just too sensitive.

So, here's a big THANK YOU! to all my people that comment...even the anonymous ones that are calling me a stupid white bitch. Y'all all bring a smile to my face.

Until next time...

Mandy

My Anaconda Don't Want None...

I have a big butt. I've always had a big butt. I've come to grips with the fact that I will never have the cute, little, heart-shaped, white girl butt. The one good thing I will say about my butt is that it is more bubble than wide. Friends in school would always joke that they could balance a coke can on my ass when I was standing up.

Here is a picture for proof that I have always had a round ass.






<------See right there, that is not my skirt in motion...my ass is making it poke out like that.

This picture, as you can see, was taken in 1994, my senior year in high school. This is the best shape I have ever been in. And, if you notice, I was not a little girl. I have ALWAYS been curvy.

Now, on to my point... Wednesday night, I was at The Guy's house after work. We were in his bedroom, laying on his bed. The bedroom door was open so there was light shining in, creating shadows of us on the wall. I was laying on my stomach and for some reason turned my head to the left and caught a glimpse of my butt shadow...

Mandy: OH MY GOD! MY BUTT IS THAT BIG!

The Guy: You've got a pretty big butt.

Mandy: I knew that it was big, but I had no idea it was that gigundo!

The Guy: I like your butt.

Mandy: It looks like Mount Everest!

The Guy: Shadows make everything look bigger, (holding up is hand) look how big my hand looks.

Mandy: Seriously, it looks like my ass should have a snow cap!

The Guy brings his hand down and slaps me on the ass.

Mandy: OH MY GOD...NOW IT LOOKS LIKE A JELLO JIGGLER MOLD OF MT. EVEREST!

The Guy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Looks like it's time to get my ass working out again. BLECHHH!



Until next time...

Mandy

A beautifully woven thread

I thought I would post my facebook status from yesterday and the thread that followed. Pretty funny stuff!

Amanda: was reading an article on the many uses of Bag Balm and has decided that "salve" and "ointment" are two of the grossest sounding words ever. They're not as bad as fart, which is the most disgusting word ever, but they're pretty close!
Yesterday at 12:22pm Only Friends · Comment ·LikeUnlike

Khon: You said fart. Hehehe...
Yesterday at 12:37pm ·

Richard: Fart, Fart, Fart! Lmao
Yesterday at 12:44pm ·

Amanda: I NEVER use that word. It's ugly and tacky.
Yesterday at 12:52pm ·

Khon: what word?
Yesterday at 12:54pm ·

Amanda: You know what word. :P
Yesterday at 12:56pm ·

Khon: Oh, the word that Richard said three times! Hehehehe....
Yesterday at 1:06pm ·

Amanda: That would be the one! I don't know why it bothers me so much. I think it has something to do with when I was growing up we were not allowed to say it because it was an "ugly, tacky word." Whenever anyone says it around me I just cringe.
Yesterday at 1:10pm ·

Khon: Flagellations makes people laugh. :)
Yesterday at 1:18pm ·

Amanda: Not me...Toilet humor makes me sad. :(
Yesterday at 1:24pm ·

Jerry: Fart, Fart, Fart, Fart, Fart, Fart.
Yesterday at 1:38pm ·

Khon: Tehehehe...
Yesterday at 1:42pm ·

Jerry: Does ripping ass sound better??
Yesterday at 1:43pm ·

Amanda: Jerry Wayne, you're gross! Why do you feel the need to torment me???
Yesterday at 1:47pm ·

Jerry: Just asking a simple question
Yesterday at 1:48pm ·

Khon: Y'all are cracking me up! I'm sorry Amanda.
Yesterday at 1:49pm ·

Richard: That's a good one JW!
Yesterday at 1:50pm ·

Jerry: Fart: The sound of a turd honking for the right of way.....
Yesterday at 1:51pm ·

Richard: Roflmao!
Yesterday at 1:53pm ·

Amanda: I'm about to go all Nancy Kerrigan on you...WHHHHHYYYYYY!!!
Yesterday at 1:54pm ·

Jerry: Salve: The ointment used to relieve the the irritation of problematic farting.
Yesterday at 1:55pm ·

Amanda: The word turd is just as gross. Why are boys so easily amused with bodily functions? I don't get it.
Yesterday at 1:55pm ·

Khon: OMG Jerry, you're suicidal! LOL!
Yesterday at 1:59pm ·

Amanda: Thank you, Jerry. You single handedly used three of the most disgusting sounding words in one sentence. Impressive my friend!
Yesterday at 2:00pm ·

Jerry: I am here to help
Yesterday at 2:01pm ·

Eric: how about the word moist?? M O I S T
Yesterday at 2:09pm ·

Amanda: Oddly enough, moist doesn't bother me.
Yesterday at 2:11pm ·

Amanda: Let me rephrase that last comment...Moist by itself doesn't bother me; however, moist used in conjunction with Fart, Turd, Salve or Ointment just makes the grossness of those words multiply by 10.
Yesterday at 2:15pm ·

Khon: Hahahaha!
Yesterday at 2:18pm ·

Eric: so, a moist turd, a moist fart, an moist salve, and an über-moist ointment walk into a bar....
Yesterday at 2:31pm ·

Khon: I hope they don't walk into my bar!
Yesterday at 2:35pm ·

Amanda: Thank you, Eric. I am now dry heaving. :P
Yesterday at 2:36pm ·

Eric: it was the ümlaut wasn't it? It tends to trigger the gag reflex.
Yesterday at 2:53pm ·

Amanda: Exactly, although, I don't think uber is used quite enough!
Yesterday at 2:57pm ·

David: I don't know but the word dribble always makes me laugh. mucus, flem, pus, nose fruit, those are disturbing.
Yesterday at 7:49pm ·

Amanda: Thank you for those mental images, Uncle David! If anyone could outgross Jerry and Eric, I knew it would be you!
Yesterday at 8:08pm ·

Khon: You have woven a mighty fine thread young lady.
Yesterday at 8:09pm ·

Amanda: Ya know, Khon, I do what I can. I'm glad I could entertain you boys today!
Yesterday at 8:10pm ·

Terra: thank you for the entertainment. I think i just pissed my pants laughing!!!!!!!
10 hours ago ·

Bronson: ha ha - you almost had me until you said "reading"
8 hours ago ·

Bronson: FART
8 hours ago ·

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times...BOYS ARE GROSS!

Until next time...

Mandy