F is for Fetish

I think my love of Bettie Page has given me a fetish aura. Now not only are the freaks and weirdos contacting me, but people with not so common fetishes are sending me emails.

Want proof, here ya go...

Bachelor #1:

I receive an email from a guy that sounded pretty normal. He owns some sort of company that does accounting services for small companies, he's pretty cute and he was very nice. So, I decided to give him my phone number.

After we exchange pleasantries, the conversation took an odd turn.

Him: So, you're 5'8"?
Me: Well, between 5'8" and 5'9".
Him: Wow, that's awesome.
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah, I'm 5'9"
Me: Well, at least you're taller than me.
Him: Yeah, unless you wear 4" heels.
Me: Well, I do have some shoes that put me right at 6'.
Him: That would be amazing. I would love to meet you with 3-4" heels on.
Me: You would want me to be towering over you?
Him: Absolutely.
Me: Hmmm, do you have an amazon fetish?
Him: Actually, yeah, a little.
Me: I bet you like Wonder Woman, don't you?
Him: Yeah, but who doesn't?
Me: That's true, I have a picture of me when I was little in Wonder Woman underoos and white go go boots. I thought I WAS Wonder Woman.
Him: Do you have any of you dressed as Wonder Woman now?
Me: Ummmm, no.
Him: That's a shame.
Me: Okay. I don't think they make underoos for adults.
Him: They should.
Me: Alrighty then.

I've always been self-conscious of my height. On the one hand, it would be pretty cool to go out with someone who loves tall women. On the other hand, I'm not into playing dress up in the boudoir...and it kind of sounds like he would want me to find a golden lasso of some sort.

Bachelor #2:

Sends me an email that says hello and asks if it would be possible for us to exchange yahoo messenger addresses. I've said before, I'll give my IM address to anyone...case in point, Monkey Boy. (Who, by the way, still messages me. He'll always say things like, "I miss you, love." I just ignore them now.) When I sent this man my yahoo thing, I did something that I never do...I didn't' look at his profile first.

So, we IM back and forth for a little bit, then I think..."Hmmm, maybe I should go check out his profile." So, there he is and he's pretty cute, but then I get to the section that says, "Most private thing I'm willing to admit." And I start reading it and this is what it says...

I'm attracted to women with ugly toenails, preferably those with toenail fungus.

yeah, that gasp that you just let out...multiply that by 100 and you will probably get my response.

Actually, he's really nice...but I'm sorry, I'm not letting my go of my pedicures and tromping around in the mud to try to catch toenail fungus for anyone!

I have a theory on fetishes...what's weird to one person is totally normal to someone else. That's why it's hard for me to answer the sex question that all men ask, "What's the weirdest thing you've ever done?" Because if I answer this, Missionary Guy might be repulsed and Adult Baby Diaper Guy might look at me and say, "That's it?"

Here's my thing, I don't care what you do behind closed doors...as long as you're not harming children, animals or the elderly, have at it and go enjoy yourself. But, baby diapers and toenail fungus, not interested...hope you find what you're looking for. Who knows, maybe I could do Wonder Woman...now where did I put my golden lasso???

Until next time...

Mandy

Karen Was Right

Creepy people do live in the internet.

Remember Monkey Boy? Well, he IMed me this afternoon and this is what it said...

if you are not my angel then what is an angel means????????????? you are my angel and is for real but you dont know that you are my angel coz if you do you will tell me that you want to see me because i want to see you and hug you tell everyone that the lord use you to bless me my sweet heart for ever....i love you more

I'm at a loss for words.

Until next time...

Mandy

Home Sweet Home

I'm going to discuss something today that I NEVER talk about...Credit and finances.

I've always thought that when I get married, my husband and I will buy a home with the white picket fence and the two cars in the garage. (No kids though, since the birthing process freaks me smooth out.) But, recently, I've taken a look at my life and thought, "I'm 34 years old, it's time to take matters into my own hands."

So, the other day I decided it was time to start thinking about buying either a townhome or condo. (I would rather one of these than a house as I do not have a green thumb and usually your HOA fees cover the roof, lawn maintenance, and other little things I have no desire to take care of.) I live in the Clear Lake area. For those of you not familiar with Houston, the Clear Lake area is south of Houston, I actually live down the road from NASA. In this area condos and townhomes are PLENTIFUL. So, I talked to the mortgage broker that helped The Mother get her home loan, he ran my credit, which because of stupid mistakes is not so stellar, and I found out that it's not as bad as I thought it was. It's not great, but it could be worse. Anyway, he told me that if I can raise my credit rating 30 points I should be good to go.

So, I have a new mission...get my credit in order.

I really am ready for a place for Rogen and me, somewhere that's mine. It's kind of scary, but I know I can do it.

So, here's a question for any of you out there that know anything about finance/money/credit...how hard is it to raise your score by 30 points and if you have any suggestions, I'm all ears. (Or eyes, since I'll be reading your comments.)

Until next time...

Mandy

A New Blogger

I have another friend that has joined the blogosphere...

Eric Under Glass

You really need to go check out his first post, he seriously has a gift for writing.

Go take a look...I promise, you won't be disappointed.

Until next time...

Mandy

Really...Seriously...

All I can say about tonight oddball is, WOW!



Let me start off by saying, I'll instant message with anyone...I don't care. Well, let me take that back, if the IM starts with, "Hey, wanna fuck?" I just ignore it and go about my business.



Tonight, I'm on my computer and I get a notification that I have a message on the online dating site that I'm on, so I go check it out. Here's what is says...



just goin thru your profile, i kinda find you interesting and would love to kno more bout you.well my name is XXXX XXXX and I'm from Bristol UK just in texas for some business i breed puppies and capuchin monkeys would love to chat with you maybe we can interact and get along



Of course he breeds monkeys, what else would he do? So, obviously, I had to find out what this was all about, so we exchange yahoo im addresses and here we go...

(My thoughts are in red.)

(This exchange was copied and pasted from yahoo messenger.)

Him: so how are you doing?

Me: I'm good...talking to a friend on the phone.

Him: ok take your time my lady
My lady, for real.
Me: It's fine. So, do you live in Houston or are you visiting?

Hin: visit my dear but am not there anymore just got back last week end

Me: you're back in England?

Him: yep am back

Greg Wood: right now am at home

Greg Wood: talking to you

Me: That's cool. I've always wanted to visit there.

Him: that will be great if you can do that
What the hell?
Me: I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Him: well i love texas so much and i wish i can stay long but i cant

Him: i ahve so many thing to do here in england

Me: Do you come here often?

Him: is my fist time delivery puppy to a family in the USA

Me: Wow, that must have been one speacial puppy.
Why would someone in TX buy a puppy from a breeder in the UK? Does the dog poop gold?
Him: to a very speacial family

Me: what kind of puppy?

Him: maltese very cute

Me: awww, those are cute. I have a pound puppy poodle mix.

Him: wow that a very sweet breed too
Last time I checked, pound puppy poodle mixes weren't on the AKC list.
Him: i sold them out

Me: yeah, i think he's a poodle bichon mix. how long were you in tx?

Him: just three days the weekend

Me: that's a really quick trip.

Him: yeah i have lots of thing to do over here that y\
Yeah, you mentioned that...what, are you "Kind of a big deal"

Me: oh really. So, where exactly do you live?

Him: I live in manchester but born in Bristol

Me: what about you

Me: I was raised in Channelview, but now I live in Seabrook...near Galveston.

Him: ok

Him: got any kids?

Him: i have a son but his a grown man and lives with his family

Me: no, and i've never been married.

Him: humm..ok\
Why is it that when I tell people I've never been married and don't have any kids I always get the hmmmm...

Him: with you want to get married some day?

Me: how old are you>

Him: 42 and you?

Me: maybe one day, I'm not willing to settle...I'm waiting for the one that will be there forever.

Me: I'm 34.

Him: me too

Him: nice age
Okay...
Me: is it?

Him: yeah

Him: so what happen to the last guy?
That's a little personal, but since he asked...here we go...
Me: the last guy dumped me for God.

Me: He said that he felt like he turned his back on God and needed to pray more.

Him: hummm..i dont understand please

Him: how is that possible

Me: I don't know, it came out of left field.

Him: left field?

Me: yeah, out of nowhere.

Him: he said he wants to become father ?

Me: no, he started going to a strange, almost cultish church...I have a feeling they told him he needed to try to work things out with his ex-wife.

Him: is not yours if he know who you are he will stay
What is up with the way he talks?
Me: yeah, looking back, I'm kind of glad it happened at 6 months and not years later.

Him: you are beautiful and i thank the lord that he lost you and i found you
Whoa, that was borderline creepy...you have no clue who I am.
Me: Ummmm, we're thousands of miles apart...

Him: but i was there last weekend and back home so it dont mater to me my dear
What the fuck does that mean? Yeah, you were here but now you're not...this guy is very odd.
Me: Okay, I'm not sure how to respond to that.

Him: is ok.. you dont have to

Me: What happened to your last girlfriend.

Me: is just that i like you and i wish we can move on and make friend then let the lord do the rest
He's bringing up the Lord an awful lot...
Him: my last gf?

Me: yeah, you asked me about my ex and now I'm asking you about yours.

Me: how do you know you know you like me...you don't even know me.

Him: i have a son a very handsome
Where did that come from?

Me: What does your son have to do with anything?

Him: his mother is late
To what?
Me: what?

Him: yes i lost her

Him: but we where not married tho

Me: as in, she passed away?

Him: yes

Him: she passed away the lord love her so much that he wants her to come over
That's one I've never heard...
Me: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Him: that is a long time now and since then i work hard to raise our son

Me: how old is your son?

Him: 29
WAIT A MINUTE!!!!
Me: how is that possible, you would have been like 13 when he was born.

Him: i was very small but with a rapid growth\
What does that even mean???
Me: Okay, well, I have to go to bed now...I have to get up early in the morning.

Yeah, I'm not sure what a rapid growth is, and I'm not sure I even want to know.

Only me, people...only me.

Until next time...

Mandy

Nothing But the Truth

Latischia called me last week and told me she had forwarded my blog to one of her friends, she went on to tell me that the friend then asked her, "Did all this stuff really happen to Mandy?" She laughed and said, "Yep, I've actually been present for some of it."

Just to set the record straight, everything that appears in this little online journal is 100% true and it all happened to me.

Let's see...

There was the phone call with the guy that made me realize what a freak magnet I am.

The married friend that turned into an octopus.

The guy that was really nice, but drank entirely too much.

The time a senior citizen was willing to pay me to look at my boobs.

Me ending up in a jail cell without my glasses or shoes.

The time I fell on my boob in front of a gaggle of lesbians.

When I let Laura try to pierce me with a rusty safety pin.

When Phillip quit his job and refused to find another one.

The first time Willie referred to me as Clydesdale.

The time I nearly broke my ankle because I thought my apartment was on fire.

Dodging a Hurricane.

The evening I was mistaken for a drag queen and had to puke in a men's room.

The old guy that tried to impress me with his boats, corvettes and acreage.

The night I got beat in the face with stripper boobs.

When I was "Creepy Girl"

Dealing with a big bunch of douche bags in Louisiana.

When I got caught with my skirt up.

The night I took a ride around downtown Houston in a hatchback, all so my friend could get laid.

When I got dumped for God.

and finally...The guy with the diapers.

After going back and reading all these posts, I can see where someone might be like, "Bless her heart."

Welcome, my new reader, I have a feeling things won't change...you're in for a treat. :)

Until next time...

Mandy

Another One Bites the Dust

I've mentioned before that I've thrown myself back into the world of internet dating. And, for you long time readers, you know that nothing good comes from my dates...well, not good for me, great for y'all because you get to laugh at my misfortune (which I wouldn't have any other way) and if you have a significant other, it makes you look at them and thank the baby Jesus that you're not me.

I went out with this guy last Thursday and he seemed nice enough, but there really wasn't any chemistry. There were no butterflies, no hoping he kissed me at the end of the night and not really any laughing...and y'all know me, there has to be laughing. Oh, and one important factor that I can't leave out...in his profile picture he had a goatee, we talked on the phone a couple of times and I agreed to go out with him then he dropped the bomb on me...I recently switched jobs and the plant I work in now doesn't allow beards so now I have a...wait for it...MUSTACHE! Yes, this man has a stand alone. What could I do, I had already agreed to go out with him, I couldn't say, "Sorry, a womb broom is a deal breaker." (I'm not totally shallow.) I did make the comment that only certain people could pull off the stand alone...like Magnum P.I. or Sam Elliott or Paw Paw...the rest of the world either looks ridiculous or like a porn star. When we met at the restaurant he looked at me and asked, "So, what do you think of the stand alone." To which I replied..."Well, it's a little porny." SERIOUSLY, WHO HAS A STAND ALONE!

I talked to my mom and several friends about it and said, "I don't know if I'm going to go out with him again." And every single one of them said, "Mandy, you can't make a decision after one date, you need to go out with him at least one more time." And my answer would always be the same..."But he has a womb broom!" And they all said, "You can probably convince him to shave it off." So, I agree to go see a band that one of his friends is in this Saturday...that was before last nights conversation.

Somehow the conversation turned to dogs, I was probably talking about Rogen or something.

Him: I used to train dogs.
Me: Oh really?
Him: Yeah, I used to train pitbulls how to fight.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Yeah.
Me: That is probably one of the most horrible things I've ever heard.
Him: What? Why? I was just a kid.
Me: Define kid.
Him: 16-21
Me: That's hardly a kid...you were old enough to know better.
Him: It's part of the culture.
Me: What culture?
Him: You know.
(He's half hispanic, that's the only thing I can figure out with the whole culture argument.)
Me: I don't give a fuck, it's wrong.
Him: It's not like we were Michael Vick and drowning dogs in the back.
At this point, I'm sitting with my mouth hanging open...I was in such disbelief that I couldn't even form words.
Him: Are you still there?
Me: Yeah, I just can't believe you trained dogs to fight.
Him: It's no big deal...it's just a sport, like boxing.
Me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! People who make pitbulls fight are the lowest form of human beings. And this whole comparing the dogs to boxers is ridiculous...Boxers have free will, if they don't want to fight, they don't have to. Nothing is going to happen to them if they say no to a fight. If a dog does bad in a fight, the owner kills them. Those people are pieces of shit!
Him: Hey, I had a friend who got 10 years probation and then they put his dog to sleep.
Me: THEY SHOULD HAVE PUT THAT BASTARD TO SLEEP...OR BETTER YET, PUT HIM IN THE RING WITH A COUPLE OF THE DOGS THAT YOU BASTARDS TRAINED.
Him: It's in my past, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not going to apologize to you for something I did over 20 years ago.
Me: I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO APOLOGIZE TO ME, WHAT BOTHERS ME IS THAT YOU DON'T SEEM TO REGRET DOING IT OR HAVE ANY REMORSE.
Him: Why should I, do you regret or feel bad about things you did in the past?
Me: I've never intentionally harmed another living creature!
Him: Like I said, it's part of the culture.
Me: You know, female circumcisions are also acceptable in certain cultures...THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT!
Him: Don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?
Me: No, I really don't think I am...I'm very much a live and let live person with two exceptions...I don't' care what you do as long as it doesn't harm children or animals. AND YOU HARMED ANIMALS!
Him: I told you, I'm not apologizing.
Me: I gotta go.
Him: Okay, I'll call you tomorrow.
Me: Bye - Click.

I don't think I'm being ridiculous at all...if he thinks this is okay, what else does he think is okay?

Yeah, I really don't see me going out with that bastard again. Seriously, who thinks it's okay to fight dogs!

Just goes to show you...unless you're Magnum P.I. or Paw Paw you should never trust someone with a stand alone, they're either porn stars, pedos or dog fighters.

Until next time...

Mandy