Dreams

I very rarely have dreams, or if I have them I just don't remember them. When I do remember them they are ODD!!! The other night I had a dream that I looked in the mirror and I was all wrinkled and had these huge jowls, it really freaked me out. I think my subconscious is telling me I need to buy a better moisturizer.

A couple of years ago I had the strangest dream ever...I was having sex...with Dave Chappelle. OK, let me first say, I never have sex dreams especially ones that include famous people. The weird thing is, I had never seen the Dave Chappelle Show, so I have no idea why he crept in my dream.

The dream went like this...

I'm having sex with Dave Chappelle and I'm thinking in my head, "Wow, I'm having sex with Dave Chappelle and it sucks!" Then, after we're done, I call my friend Diana and tell her about my experience. Then I ask her, "Do you think if I call Rod Ryan at The Buzz on Monday morning and tell him that I had sex with a famous person he would give my Papa Roach tickets???" Then I woke up. Only I would have a sex dream that was anti-climactic with a famous person that I don't even find attractive. At the time, I was going to a very gifted therapist and when I told her about the dream she told me that it wasn't actually about sex, the sex represented my life and the fact that I was not satisfied with the sex meant that I was not satisfied with my life. I'm still not sure what the Papa Roach tickets signified.

Until next time...

Amanda

Ads that made me laugh...

My dear, sweet mother sent me some of these in an email yesterday...I hope y'all enjoy them as much as I do!!!


Nothing makes me happier than a big dollop of lard!

I've also come to realize that the best thing to wash down the lard is beer...


And you know, nothing goes better with beer than a cigarette...

And why wouldn't you smoke the kind that most doctors smoke???

And for you guys out there, when you are feeling amorous...

Because nothing says 'I want to sex you up' like blowing smoke in your woman's face!

And ladies, if you are feeling especially plump today, go to your local pharmacy and pick up the newest diet aid...


Are you worried that your husband hasn't blown Tipalet smoke in your face lately? I mean, you've fed him his lard, opened his can of Aluminum Soft Top Schlitz beer, handed him his pack of doctor recommended Camels and he's still not pushing your twin bed together at night. It's not him ladies, most likely it's your fault. You might want to take your newly tape wormed thin ass back to the store and buy some Lysol...



Until next time...

Amanda

When I Realized I was an adult.

I was watching a program on VH1 last night, 40 Hottest Hotties of the 90's. (You can add my love of "countdown shows" to my list of odd quirks. ) One of the "hotties" was Ethan Hawke and they mentioned Reality Bites.

I have always loved Reality Bites, I think that and Singles really sums up our "Gen X" group. When Reality Bites first came out I saw it and fell IN LOVE with Ethan Hawke. I was totally drawn to the misunderstood, brooding, struggling artist. (Hell, I dated a couple of them.) I totally understood why Lainey would pick Troy over Michael, because in the end, LOVE CONQUERS ALL! I know, pretty cheesy...I was 19 years old, give me a break. Troy was everything I wanted in a guy...he was cool, he was intelligent, his clothes were seriously early 90's hip, he had the ultra sexy scruffy chin pubes, and he was a musician. What more could a woman ask for. And as for Michael, I just didn't see what Lainey saw in him. He wore a suit and worked in an office...why would any woman in her right mind want that??? Because, in my 19 year old brain I just knew that if you had love, everything else would just magically fall into place.

A couple of years ago I was shopping at Target and saw Reality Bites, I immediately put it in my buggy, finished my shopping and got home as quick as I could. Once everything was put up I put my new DVD on and started watching Laieny, Vickey, Sammy, Troy and Michael go through the ups and downs of early 20-dom. I still think the movie is awesome and it totally "got" our generation, but I no longer was rooting for Troy. I wanted to tell him to get his life together, get a job and for God's sake take a shower. (I didn't remember him being so greasy looking. Seriously, if you're an intellectual that can play the guitar does that mean showers are unnecessary?) When Lainey and Troy are laying on the couch at the end of the movie, I wanted to scream at her..."You moron, what are you going to do when you're 32 and he still doesn't have a job?" and "What do you see in him, he looks like he smells!" It was at that moment that I realized, oh damn, I'm an adult.

Until next time...

Amanda

When I was younger...

I had horrible skin. Not so horrible that it left scars, but bad enough that I had to go to a dermatologist. Lucky for me, Dr. Kurtis and my prescription of Emycin cleared my skin up for the most part. You would think that after your horrible teenage years, your skin would be less oily and not break out, right? Wrong! How is it that I'm 32 years old and my skin is just as oily as it was back in 1992? Thankfully, I don't break out all the time like I did when I was younger, but when I get a zit...oh dear God, do I get a zit! And it seems like my pores and my ass get bigger with every birthday that rolls around. It just isn't fair. I got all the bad genes in my family...

Oily skin inherited from my Paw Paw (which from what I've heard is a curse and a blessing all at the same time...I don't think you wrinkle as fast when you have oily skin.)

Bushy eyebrows inherited from my Nanny that I have to have waxed every other week...Don't even get me started on the fact that I'm brunette, therefore I have to have my lip waxed about once a month!

Bubble butt inherited from my Mother who inherited hers from my Nanny. Clothes never fit correctly, most of my pants are way to big in the waist, but fit perfectly on my ass.

My height, inherited from both my mom's side of the family and the sperm-donor's side...I tend to tower over most women and with a one or two inch heel can look most men eye to eye.

A rather large nose inherited from my Nanny, possibly my sperm-donor - the few pictures I've seen of him he looks to have a largish nose.

Somehow I got all the crap genes and my Sister got all the good ones...

Megan has porcelain skin, naturally thin eyebrows, the perfect little heart-shaped butt, she's only 5' tall making her look very dainty and petite, and she's got a cute little, button nose.

Where is the justice I ask you???

Oh well, I will continue to work with what God gave me and just make the best of it.

Until next time...

Amanda

I know...

I recently found out something about a friend of mine that I have known since our days at La Petite Academy.

Apparently, there was a sexual indisrcetion with my boyfriend about 14 years ago...I'm not sure where I was at the time, maybe I was at school or at work. I also found out about the other woman who slept with him during that same time frame.

For the record, I'm not mad or hurt. Actually, it doesn't really surprise me about one of them but I never would have guessed that the other one would do that. I just want to know why. I have questions like, "Did I do something to make you mad and you wanted to get back at me?" or "Did you just want to see if you could sleep with him?" or "was it a drunken or chemical stupor and it just happened?" I would also like to know why these people never told me, since they saw how bad that breakup was on me for years after. I cried on their shoulders when he moved out of my house and into the house of another woman.

Don't get me wrong, there are things in my past that I'm not proud of...I just wonder if they ever felt guilt or remorse. So...

To whom it may concern:

I know.

Until next time...

Amanda

Friday Fun with Google

My life according to Google. Type in the following and choose the first choice



1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search
Amanda needs wisdom and strength to do what is right.
I think this was posted by the same lady that looked at me with pity when I told her I was not married.

2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
Amanda looks like any nerd in school, but she is actually really smart and cool.
This is the story of my life!

3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
Amanda Does *THOSE* Parties!
I sure do.

4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
Anti-Amanda. Created by Ryan Mahoney on 16 May 2005 @ 11:40:39 PM. If you hate Amanda. Sign this potition. Hopefully she will realize that nobody likes...
I think Ryan Mahoney might have a little crush on me, next he'll probably slug me on the playground. Can you imagine someone hating you so much that they start a "potition"?

5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:
Amazon.com: Amanda Goes West: A Journal of Fashion History Through Paper Dolls
I have gone west, but then I came back.

6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
You are the one that i love and the only one that i love right now and maybe forever. you are my world and right now i feel like i have no world
I have nothing for this one...

7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
Amanda eats like a pig.
I've been known to.

8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
Amanda has studied a wide range of styles of dance
Many, many years ago.

9: Type in "[your name] did" in Google Search:
Amanda did it... Mystery solved.
Yes, I did it, with the rope in the conservatory.

10: Type in "[your name] will" in Google search:
amanda will fuck u up, bitch!]

That's right, I will...scroll down a little to see my "gangsta" picture and you know that statement is true. What it do, yo?

Until next time...

Amanda