Where Do You Go?

A couple of weeks ago, Kathryn and I decided to take the Friday before Memorial Day off and go out that Thursday night. We were calling it our..."MAN HUNT!"

We decided that we needed to branch out into a different area of the city, so we chose Midtown. We decided to start out at Sammy's 2016 Main, the reason we were starting there was because there was a band playing that I have read about and had wanted to check them out...The Spazmatics. OK, if you are in or around the Houston area YOU MUST GO AND SEE THESE GUYS! Not only are they hysterical, they are very talented. We figure since this is an 80's new wave cover band, there will probably be some over-thirties in the audience. So, we walk in and head to the bar get a couple of beers and look around that's when I noticed it...there was nowhere to sit, and I don't mean all the table were taken, no, THERE WERE NO TABLES. So, we're like, "OK, let's find a spot to stand." The band comes on stage and opens the show with "Take On Me" by Aha and as I'm drinking my beer, I start looking around at the people standing near me...they all look to be in their early 20's. I think to myself, "Y'all weren't even born when this song was popular...y'all don't even remember when MTV actually played music videos, for crying out loud, y'all don't even know what life was like without MTV. So, I'm watching the band and having a good time singing along and laughing when this little bitch comes and stands in front of me and her BACKPACK PURSE starts hitting me in the chest. (Really, a backpack purse. Sweetie, if you're trying to be "retro" for the show, you're in the wrong decade. The backpack purse wasn't even around until 1994...I know, I had one.) Anyway, this girl starts jumping up and down and hitting me with her stupid purse so I finally put my hand on her back and gently push her forward. By the end of the first set, people were crammed in the place and Kathryn and I decided to try a different local.



As we are walking back to the car, we have to walk past a line of taxis and all the drivers are standing outside their cars. Then, one of the drivers looks us both up and down and says, "Mmm mmm MMMM, y'all are two HEALTHY girls!" To which I reply, "That's what I've been told."



So, we get in the car and decide to go to Poison Girl. (Sadly, this Montrose area, hole in the wall bar doesn't have a website.) I love Poison Girl. It's a very cool bar that has a wall of pinball machines and a jukebox with nothing but music by Texas artists. BUT, Thursday night it seemed to be overrun with "hipsters." You know the type of people I'm speaking of...skinny jeans, greasy looking hair, they don't listen to bands that are actually played on the radio, they act like they are above having money. I realized Thursday night, I am not hip enough to hang with the hipsters....I'm a Fanilow for goodness sake. (A fan of Barry Manilow.) Kathryn brought to my attention that one of the guys we were standing next to on the patio did not have a very aromatic essence. (He stunk of B.O.) We drank our beers and decided to call it a night.

So, here's my question...Where do all the over-thirties go in Houston? Surely Kathryn and I are not the last ones that aren't married.

Until next time...

Mandy

You Are Not Helping

I've said before that I read a lot of blogs, and some of them are "mommy blogs." But, the mommy blogs I read don't just talk about their kids, they talk about politics, current events, jobs, etc. Now, what I'm about to say might offend some people.

If these moms treat their kids the way they talk about treating their kids, this world is headed for trouble. Here are some thoughts from a child-free by choice person...

1. You are not the first woman to ever give birth.

Seriously, women have been shootin' out babies since the beginning of time. I understand that child birth is a "miracle" but women have babies EVERY DAY! I read one woman's blog (who doesn't work, her blog is her job.) who said, "I might not post every day, you know, because I'm 7 months pregnant." I don't give a rat's ass. If that's your job, then that's your job. I worked with a woman who went to work every day and even went into labor at work. All you do is sit there and write, and I'm sure you have a laptop so you could probably sit in your bed and write.

2. My child is special!

NO THEY ARE NOT! Unless your child graduated from Harvard at 12 years old, they are not special. Now, don't get me wrong, my mother told me and my sister when we were growing up that we were special TO HER. I feel like these mothers are doing their children a disservice. If they continue to tell their kids how "special" they are, then these kids are gonna grow up thinking that everyone should treat them "special." And, you know as well as I do, that NO ONE gets special treatment in an entry-level job.

3. Is my oldest child still going to feel loved when the second child arrives?

The only way your oldest child is going to feel unloved is if you ship them off to live with someone else. I just read that a woman started SOBBING at the doctor's office when he told her she was in labor. She was worried that her son would quit loving her. WHAT? Seriously. I know I don't have kids, but this just seems irrational. My thought is...if you're that worried about it, don't have a second child.

Now, before you start leaving comments on how I don't know what I'm talking about because I don't have kids, just know that these are my opinions. And believe me, hearing things like, "I can't get to work on time....I'm a mom now." are really irritating to those of us who aren't "a mom now."

Until next time...

Mandy

You Dropped Something

I don't know if you've noticed, but weird stuff happens to me ALL. THE. TIME. Friday, Karen's comment made me laugh...because something similar happened to me.



I think I was 22 years old and Latischia and I were at a bar. (I know this is a shocking statement.) (Most of my stories start with, "So & So and I were at a bar..." and I know this sounds horrible, but I don't have a drinking problem...really.) So, Tish and I are standing next to the dance floor, drinking and having a good time.

Now, I'm about to go in a T.M.I. direction, but I do believe it is needed for the story...There is not a lot about myself that I will toot my own horn about, but, when it comes to my boobs, well...toot toot! Seriously, they are awesome, I've actually been asked if they were real. And I'm not being "conceded" girl or "Oooh, look at me" girl, they really are fabulous. Ask Tish, she always has to poke at them and tell me how much they piss her off. You see, I'm 33 years old and when I take my bra off...YOU CAN'T TELL! That's right, they are P.E.R.K.Y! But I always wear padded bras, not because I need to add volume to the girls, but because the right one is pierced and if I wear a bra that isn't padded, then you can see the ring and it's all weird looking and I had one guy ask me if I had three nipples at one time...so padded bras just make more sense. So, if you wear padded bras then you know that they always come with these hidden pockets on the inside and the hidden pockets have the little shoulder pad shaped inserts.

Anyway, so Tish and I are drinking and having a good time at this bar that plays country music and I notice this guy standing near us. He was uber hot! I kept glancing over at him and he kept looking at me and then a song by Travis Tritt comes on...T-R-O-U-B-L-E and once we hear that song we both go, "Wooooooooo, let's go jitterbug!" (Have you ever been to a country bar and watched the girls that dance together...that's Tish and me.) So we're out there dancing , and I'm spinning at the speed of light. Seriously, smoke is coming from our feet because we are turning so fast! My hair is whipping me in the face and we're laughing and woo'ing. I start thinking, "Now that this guy knows I can dance, maybe he'll ask me to two-step with him. Then, after the song was over, we walk off the dance floor, barely able to breathe. I pick up my Miller Lite (that's what I drank back then.) and I felt this tap on my shoulder and I turned around. IT WAS HOT GUY!!! I look at him and say hi and he says hi back and then a smirk creeps on his face and he says..."You dropped something out there." And when I looked, it was the damn insert to my bra. I walked on the dance floor picked it up and shoved it in my pocket, looked at Tish and said, "We've got to move."

So, the moral to this story is...Take the damn inserts out of your bra before you go dancing!

Until next time...

Mandy

Supermodels

I am hooked on the show "Make Me a Supermodel." I LOVE it! But, when I was watching it yesterday, I started thinking, "These people don't hold a candle to the supermodels of the early 90's."



And, you know, they couldn't pull this off...

George Michael - Freedom '90


BEST. VIDEO. EVER!

Until next time...

Mandy

Happy Mother's Day!

Since Mother's Day is this Sunday, I thought I would link back to a post from 2007 I wrote about my mom. I could write all day long about the awesomeness that is Carol, but talking about Velcro in the last post made me remember a humorous little tale starring Carol and Nanny.

Picture it, Channelview 1988.

In 1988 I was in the 6th grade and in Channelview 6th grade is still in elementary school. Well, some of the girls in my class, me included, petitioned to get the school to have a 6th grade dance. We told the principal that we were graduating from children to teenagers and this was the last year we would all be in the same classes, blah, blah, blah. So, the principal allowed us to have a school dance in the cafeteria. We decided that we wanted the dance to be nice so we had originally decided to have a semi-formal, then some stupid people decided they wanted it to be a sock hop. I mean really, who ends the year with a sock hop! So, we had half the girls in semi-formals and the other half in poodle skirts. I decided that I wanted to go semi-formal and I wanted my Nanny to make my dress! So, Mom and I went to Hancock's fabric and picked out a dress pattern and material. The dress was tea-length and it had a low, scooped back and it had lace on the sleeves and it was...MAUVE! (I have no idea why I was on a mauve kick in 6th grade. Seriously, what was I thinking and why would my mother let me pick out such a horrible color. I guess it was just par for the course since I was also rockin' a mullet back in those days!) (Seriously Mom, how did you keep a straight face when you told me I looked pretty back then?) Anyway, Nanny got to work on the dress and it turned out really good. (As good as a mauve dress can turn out.) There was only one problem. Because of the scooped back, the shoulders of the dress kept sliding down my arms. So, Mom and Nanny tried to find a solution to the problem. Then, I believe it was Nanny came up with this idea...

Let's get some sticky Velcro and we'll stick one side of the Velcro to the inside shoulders of the dress and we'll stick the other side of the Velcro to Mandy's shoulders!

Apparently, they both thought this was a brilliant idea.

So, the night of the dance came and I felt BEAUTIFUL! I mean, who wouldn't, with my mauve dress and bitchin' mullet. (Seriously, the dress was really pretty...I just don't like mauve anymore.) So, I have my dress on and Nanny sticks the Velcro on me and you know what...IT WORKED. So, my mom took me to the dance and everyone was all, "Ooooh I like your dress, where did you get it?" I was all, "Oh, my grandmother made it." and they were all, "Oh wow, you look really pretty." I was all, "Thanks!" But in my head I was thinking, "I know look FINE!" (Because that's what we used to say in the late 80's..."Ooooh, look at him...he is FINE!") So, the dance is going really well. I've had my punch and being a Southern Belle in training, totally ignore the food and then I decide that I'm going to dance. Well, guess what happens when you dance...you start to sweat. Guess what doesn't stick to moist skin...sticky Velcro. About two hours into the dance, the shoulders of my dress are sliding down my arms and half way through Salt & Peppa's "Push It" someone asks me, what is that square thing? The Velcro that had been attached to my shoulder had slid on the moist skin and was now visible. I just grabbed it and said, "I don't know...a sticker of some sort."

I've never used Velcro since

To all of the mothers out there Happy Mother's Day!

Until next time...

Mandy

Velcro Head

One of the first things that drew me to Rogen at the pound was his curly fur. It reminded me of my hair, before I found the awesomeness that is the Chi flatiron. If you have naturally curly hair, you know that it acts like the scratchy side of Velcro. EVERYTHING GET STUCK IN IT! I have had paper stuck in my hair, I've walked past a nail sticking out of the wall and my hair got stuck on it, and hands have gotten tangled in it. Once, when I was a freshman in high school, a hot stick got lost in it.

While I was playing FarmTown last night (I am totally addicted to this game. If you are on facebook, start playing it and request me to be your neighbor!) and I looked up and noticed Rogen laying on the end of the couch and he had something in his hair. I stood up and noticed a pile of torn up paper towel on the floor. When I walked over to it, I looked at him and he looked at me. If he was able to talk I think he would have said, "What, I didn't do that." But I know he did. I called him over to look at the mess...

Those yellow flip flops are what I wear when I walk Rogen. I know they look disgusting, but go look at your flip flops...I bet they don't look much better. Oh, and that bag is full of clothes that need to be dropped off at the Goodwill.
He was totally oblivious to the fact that he had evidence stuck on his head.

Until next time...

Mandy

TEXAS HAS A WHOREHOUSE IN IT!

Lord have mercy on our souls!

What the hell is going on? First Bea Arthur, now Dom Deluise.

I don't care what anyone says, whenever I think of Dom Deluise I will always picture him like this...







R.I.P. Dom Deluise!

Until next time...

Mandy

Remember When I Said...

That last year was going to be my LAST YEAR to perform with the alumni group and teach the tap dance? Well, guess what...I went back this year and made sure that this would be MY LAST YEAR! (I'm on the fence about the tap dance since she pays me to do that)

Back in September, I called the president of our little association and told her we needed to get the executive board together and decide what we wanted to do with my position. She then proceeded to tell me..."I'm pregnant!" After thinking about the organization being down two board members this year, I told them I would do "ONE MORE TIME. But, that was it! After this year I would not be returning.) So, the first practice we had elections and as of June 1, 2009, I am no longer the association's secretary. Woo Hoo! I could tell that I shouldn't have come back this year, my hear was not in it, but we got through it and then all of the alumni got together at a bar after the last show. Here are a few pictures from the show and the after party.

This is the Alumni Association at dress rehearsal.

This is us dancing in the show. (I'm the last one on the right in the front row.)

Still dancing. (That's me on the left)

We even had a pregnant girl perform this year! (I was telling the baby, "HELLOOOO!")

About to sing some Karaoke! (My bangs have grown back nicely, don't ya think?)

Here I am with two of the other alumni girls singing "Holla Back Girl" It was quite comical since Alicia's husband signed us up without us knowing. The only part of that song I know is there is something about Bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

So, there you have it. My last year as an alumni officer. I told them next year I will be sitting in the front row and I will do a lot of woo'ing for them...then I will meet them at the bar!

Until next time...

Mandy

The Month from Hell - circa 1991

If you read my last post, you know that April has not been one of the best months for me. When I start thinking that life is out to get me, all I have to do is think about all that happened to my mother in June of 1991.

1. The washing machine stopped working.
2. The dryer stopped working.
3. There was a torrential down pour on her way home from work one day.
a. She drove her car in high water and it stalled out...ON MONROE!
b. She left her car in a parking lot...ON MONROE!
c. When she went to pick her car up, all the windows had been shot out.
d. The insurance company told her that she would have to file two separate claims.
e. She had to pay two separate deductables.
4. The frydaddy exploded.
5. The air conditioner stopped working.

Yes, all of this happened in one month.

So, next time you feel as though life is kicking your ass...just think of Carol. That's what I do.

Until next time...

Mandy