Nothing But the Truth

Latischia called me last week and told me she had forwarded my blog to one of her friends, she went on to tell me that the friend then asked her, "Did all this stuff really happen to Mandy?" She laughed and said, "Yep, I've actually been present for some of it."

Just to set the record straight, everything that appears in this little online journal is 100% true and it all happened to me.

Let's see...

There was the phone call with the guy that made me realize what a freak magnet I am.

The married friend that turned into an octopus.

The guy that was really nice, but drank entirely too much.

The time a senior citizen was willing to pay me to look at my boobs.

Me ending up in a jail cell without my glasses or shoes.

The time I fell on my boob in front of a gaggle of lesbians.

When I let Laura try to pierce me with a rusty safety pin.

When Phillip quit his job and refused to find another one.

The first time Willie referred to me as Clydesdale.

The time I nearly broke my ankle because I thought my apartment was on fire.

Dodging a Hurricane.

The evening I was mistaken for a drag queen and had to puke in a men's room.

The old guy that tried to impress me with his boats, corvettes and acreage.

The night I got beat in the face with stripper boobs.

When I was "Creepy Girl"

Dealing with a big bunch of douche bags in Louisiana.

When I got caught with my skirt up.

The night I took a ride around downtown Houston in a hatchback, all so my friend could get laid.

When I got dumped for God.

and finally...The guy with the diapers.

After going back and reading all these posts, I can see where someone might be like, "Bless her heart."

Welcome, my new reader, I have a feeling things won't change...you're in for a treat. :)

Until next time...

Mandy

Another One Bites the Dust

I've mentioned before that I've thrown myself back into the world of internet dating. And, for you long time readers, you know that nothing good comes from my dates...well, not good for me, great for y'all because you get to laugh at my misfortune (which I wouldn't have any other way) and if you have a significant other, it makes you look at them and thank the baby Jesus that you're not me.

I went out with this guy last Thursday and he seemed nice enough, but there really wasn't any chemistry. There were no butterflies, no hoping he kissed me at the end of the night and not really any laughing...and y'all know me, there has to be laughing. Oh, and one important factor that I can't leave out...in his profile picture he had a goatee, we talked on the phone a couple of times and I agreed to go out with him then he dropped the bomb on me...I recently switched jobs and the plant I work in now doesn't allow beards so now I have a...wait for it...MUSTACHE! Yes, this man has a stand alone. What could I do, I had already agreed to go out with him, I couldn't say, "Sorry, a womb broom is a deal breaker." (I'm not totally shallow.) I did make the comment that only certain people could pull off the stand alone...like Magnum P.I. or Sam Elliott or Paw Paw...the rest of the world either looks ridiculous or like a porn star. When we met at the restaurant he looked at me and asked, "So, what do you think of the stand alone." To which I replied..."Well, it's a little porny." SERIOUSLY, WHO HAS A STAND ALONE!

I talked to my mom and several friends about it and said, "I don't know if I'm going to go out with him again." And every single one of them said, "Mandy, you can't make a decision after one date, you need to go out with him at least one more time." And my answer would always be the same..."But he has a womb broom!" And they all said, "You can probably convince him to shave it off." So, I agree to go see a band that one of his friends is in this Saturday...that was before last nights conversation.

Somehow the conversation turned to dogs, I was probably talking about Rogen or something.

Him: I used to train dogs.
Me: Oh really?
Him: Yeah, I used to train pitbulls how to fight.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Yeah.
Me: That is probably one of the most horrible things I've ever heard.
Him: What? Why? I was just a kid.
Me: Define kid.
Him: 16-21
Me: That's hardly a kid...you were old enough to know better.
Him: It's part of the culture.
Me: What culture?
Him: You know.
(He's half hispanic, that's the only thing I can figure out with the whole culture argument.)
Me: I don't give a fuck, it's wrong.
Him: It's not like we were Michael Vick and drowning dogs in the back.
At this point, I'm sitting with my mouth hanging open...I was in such disbelief that I couldn't even form words.
Him: Are you still there?
Me: Yeah, I just can't believe you trained dogs to fight.
Him: It's no big deal...it's just a sport, like boxing.
Me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! People who make pitbulls fight are the lowest form of human beings. And this whole comparing the dogs to boxers is ridiculous...Boxers have free will, if they don't want to fight, they don't have to. Nothing is going to happen to them if they say no to a fight. If a dog does bad in a fight, the owner kills them. Those people are pieces of shit!
Him: Hey, I had a friend who got 10 years probation and then they put his dog to sleep.
Me: THEY SHOULD HAVE PUT THAT BASTARD TO SLEEP...OR BETTER YET, PUT HIM IN THE RING WITH A COUPLE OF THE DOGS THAT YOU BASTARDS TRAINED.
Him: It's in my past, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not going to apologize to you for something I did over 20 years ago.
Me: I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO APOLOGIZE TO ME, WHAT BOTHERS ME IS THAT YOU DON'T SEEM TO REGRET DOING IT OR HAVE ANY REMORSE.
Him: Why should I, do you regret or feel bad about things you did in the past?
Me: I've never intentionally harmed another living creature!
Him: Like I said, it's part of the culture.
Me: You know, female circumcisions are also acceptable in certain cultures...THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT!
Him: Don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?
Me: No, I really don't think I am...I'm very much a live and let live person with two exceptions...I don't' care what you do as long as it doesn't harm children or animals. AND YOU HARMED ANIMALS!
Him: I told you, I'm not apologizing.
Me: I gotta go.
Him: Okay, I'll call you tomorrow.
Me: Bye - Click.

I don't think I'm being ridiculous at all...if he thinks this is okay, what else does he think is okay?

Yeah, I really don't see me going out with that bastard again. Seriously, who thinks it's okay to fight dogs!

Just goes to show you...unless you're Magnum P.I. or Paw Paw you should never trust someone with a stand alone, they're either porn stars, pedos or dog fighters.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Received an Invitation for a Pity Party, and I RSVP'ed YES!

Tuesday night, I sat down to watch The Biggest Loser. This is the first season I've ever watched of this program, but it gets me every episode. My eyes end up misting at least once every show, but Tuesday night was ridiculous...I had a total emotional meltdown.

Here's how it went...

I was sitting on my couch, eating tamales watching The Biggest Loser...apparently, I missed that O'Neal's brother passed away sometime during the taping of the show. During the last chance workout, he started to flip the eff out, beating on a machine, nearly hitting Jillian and he started crying uncontrollably. So, of course, I start crying...and I don't mean just misting up and one single tear rolls down my cheek, I'm talking sobbing, snotting, boo hoo crying. Then I start thinking, these people are up off their asses losing 100+ pounds, what's wrong with me, why can't I motivate myself to do something...I don't even like getting up off butt to walk The Wonder Pup.

Then it morphs into...

My friends suck! I'm always there for them. They call, I come...I don't have anyone that would just come over if I was sad. (Nevermind the fact that most of them have kids and can't just drop everything and drive to my house.) Why am I always the one that makes sacrifices for them? No one cares. *Sob, snot, boo hoo*

And then that morphs into...

No one is ever going to love me. I'm going to be old and alone! I might as well buy 57 cats, so I can go ahead and become that crazy cat lady that everyone already thinks I'm going to become...maybe I should buy a couple of muumuus also. I'm going to die in this tiny shoe box of an apartment, and no one will even realize it until the stench of my rotting corpse floats out onto my balcony. And then when they find me, I won't even be able to have an open casket because Rogen and the 57 cats will have eaten my face because they were hungry. *Sob, snot, boo hoo*

So, I decided to take a shower and when I looked in the mirror I thought, "I am old and alone...look at all the gray hair, and is that crows feet!?!?!? Oh my God!" *Sob, snot, boo hoo*

It was so pitiful, I was annoying myself. Once I got out of the shower, I called my friend Kathryn and she talked me off the ledge. She assured me she has gone through the same thing, so that made me feel a little less nutty.

I really think it had more to do with PMS rearing it's ugly head.

Until next time...

Mandy

Mandy-isms

I have coined a couple of new phrases that have become quite popular with my friends.


Unicorn
Nubicorn
Donkicorn

First, we'll start off with the unicorn

A unicorn, as you all know, is a mythical animal generally depicted with the body and head of a horse, the hind legs of a stag, the tail of a lion, and a single horn in the middle of the forehead. That's the definition in Merriam-Webster. Here's my definition...

A unicorn is a man that is a genuinely nice guy. He's the guy that opens doors, lights cigarettes, and calls or texts you just to say hi. The guy that will take the trash out without you having to ask him. The guy that remembers to put the seat down. The one that places his hand in the small of your back to lead you through a crowded room. The man that will just start rubbing your back for no reason. The guy that will get what you need off the top shelf. A guy that will ask you before you leave, "Is your phone charged?" and "Be careful, call me when you get there." The one that wants to take care of you, not because you need them to but because they want to. The guy that holds your hand or lightly strokes your leg when you're just sitting on the couch watching TV. A man that, although he might not like your friends, he accepts them. Someone who appreciates the nice things his girlfriend/wife/significant other does for him and does not come to expect it. A guy that on the first date doesn't automatically assume that because he bought you dinner/drinks/movie that you are going to sleep with him. And when you do finally sleep with him, he's more concerned with your satisfaction than his own. A guy that can look at you and tell you that you're beautiful even when you first wake up. A man that has his own opinions and respects that you have yours and never degrades or belittles you if your opinions differ from theirs. Someone who won't cheat on you. A man that loves you, not despite, but because of your dorkiness, weird quirks and flaws.

I call these men unicorns, because I think they're mythical...you always hear about them, but have you actually seen them? I thought I saw one once or twice but they ended up either being a nubicorn or a donkicorn.

A nubicorn is almost a unicorn, his horn just hasn't grown in all the way. He's a nice guy, but he falls short in some of the other categories. He might be nice to you, but he's rude to others. Maybe he treats you like gold but is rude to your dog/cat/fish. Or, he's great to you, but he refuses to go around your friends or family. A nubicorn has the potential of turning into a unicorn, but for the most part they usually turn into a donkicorn.

A donkicorn is just a donkey with a strange head growth. They aren't mythical, but they are magical. He's the guy that knows exactly what to say or do when he first meets you to make you think he's this super nice guy (i.e. a unicorn), but then he does something that makes you realize that he's not a unicorn, he's not even a nubicorn, he's just a plain, old jackass. He'll tell you things like, "Wow, I've never been able to open up to a woman like I can with you." or "I've never been as comfortable with anyone else as I am with you." or "I can't wait to see you again." And, of course, it's all crap. They don't mean any of it. Usually, they tell you this stuff on the first date and if you don't automatically strip and mount them, they just move onto the next unsuspecting unicorn hunter. They jump from girl to girl until they find one that hasn't been screwed over by that many donkicorns, and usually they'll date you for a couple of months but then he gets bored and decides to end it or cheat on the girlfriend so she'll end it with him or, take the really crappy route, and just never call or answer calls again. Here are some of the lame excuses a donkicorn might use...

It's not you, it's me.
I'm just not ready for a relationship right now.
You were the first person I went out with after I split with my wife.
I cheated on you because you've put on weight.
I feel like I've turned my back on God, so I can't see you anymore.

Yes, these are all excuses that Donkicorns have given me. Their magic is powerful, but it only lasts a short while. Once the magic fades away, and you're looking at that jackass with that bizarre bump on his head...kick him in the junk and run away!

Until next time...

Mandy

Aaaand, Here We Go Again

I was looking at my calendar today and realized I have a little over 6 months before I have to be the MOH in Latischia's wedding. That's when I thought to myself, "Okay, Mandy, it's time to get back on track...you had your mourning period complete with mass quantities of ice cream, fried food and other artery hardening indulgences, but enough is enough. You need to visit Jillian again."

So there you have it, I'm going to start the THIRTY DAY SHRED again. I probably won't blog about it every day, but I will keep y'all posted on my progress.

Until next time...

Mandy

What?

As you all know, I got dumped for Jesus a couple of weeks ago. The week after the dumping happened I went and hung out with my friends, Shawn and Brian. I was in a funk, feeling sorry for myself and thinking ridiculous things like...

There is something wrong with me.
I drive people away.
Maybe things would have been different if I spoke Spanish.
He wouldn't have left if I had been thinner.
It's because I'm so tall! I can only imagine what I look like when I walk in a bar...I probably look like Godzilla about to take out a small village in Tokyo! (Yes, this sentence actually came out of my mouth.)

That's when Shawn and Brian said to me..."Mandy, fuck him! He wasn't good enough for you, obviously, because if he was he wouldn't have left you."

So, when I got home, I thought to myself, "Yeah, fuck him!" So, I joined a dating website...it's the same website that my friend met her boyfriend. And you know what I've come to realize...I am a FREAK MAGNET!

On this website, when you're logged in, random people can IM you. And for some reason, the majority of the men that have contacted me think it's perfectly acceptable to ask me for sex two sentences into our conversation. Guys, this is not hot or sexy! But tonight's freak took the cake...

Guy: Hey, you're cute.
Me: Thanks.
Guy: How are you
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH NOT IMPORTANT
Guy: So, we live in the same area.
Me: Yeah, I guess so.
Guy: Do you want to go out sometime?
Me: I don't know, I haven't even talked to you yet.
Guy: Well, would you mind if I was totally submissive?
Me: Umm, excuse me, what do you mean?
Guy: Would you mind being my personal dominatrix?
Me: Wow, that's the first time I've ever been asked that. Is there something about me that looks like a dom?
Guy: No, not really, but you live so close.
Me: Ummm, no, I don't think I would be okay with that.
Guy: There wouldn't be anything sexual, you could put me in a nice collar and lead me around.
Me: Ummm, no, I don't think I would want to do that.
Guy: I'm not only into BDSM, I also like ABDL.
Me: Okay, I don't know what ABDL is.
Guy: Adult Baby Diaper Lover.
Me: Okay, that's it, I've got to go.

Now that I'm single again, y'all are in for a treat...weirdos, freaks and losers. If you have a significant other, go give them a hug.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Didn't See That Coming

I should have, but I didn't.

I'm sure you've noticed my lack of posts the past week. I've been in a funk for the past week and a half because The Guy and I are no longer seeing each other.

That's right, I've been dumped and when you read the reasoning behind, said dumping, you will understand my state of disbelief.

Here, let me walk you through it...

The Guy and I had a routine...his daughter and her mother live right down the road from me, so when he dropped his daughter off on Sunday evenings he would come straight to my house and stay with me. So, Sunday, February 21 I spoke with him at 5:15p.

Me: Can't wait to see you tonight.
Him: Yeah, I can't stay tonight, but I'm going to come see you for a little bit.
Me: Oh, you're not, why?
Him: I just have some stuff to do at the house.
Me: OK.
Him: Well, let me finish up here and I'll see you in a little bit.
Me: OK

Fast forward to 5:50pm...he calls.

Him: I can't stop by tonight, I have my nephew with me.
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah, but I'm definitely coming over there tomorrow.
Me: OK, whatever.
Him: I'll call you when I get home.
Me: OK.

Now, once we got off the phone, I knew something was off...fast forward to 8:00pm, the phone rings.

Him: Hey, how mad are you?
Me: I don't know, why do you think I'm mad?
Him: Because I blew you off.
Me: That's a pretty good reason, don't you think?
Him: (sounding shitty) I wasn't going to tell my nephew he couldn't come!
Me: Whatever.
Him: Do you want me to just talk to you tomorrow.
Me: No, I want you to tell me what the hell is going on.
Him: I really wanted to talk to you about this face to face tomorrow.
Me: Oh no, I think we need to talk about this right now.
Him: For the past week I've felt like I'm dying inside.
Me: What?
Him: I feel like I've turned my back on God.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: I just think that I need to pray more.
Me: OK.
Him: I feel like an adulterer and think it's best if I devote my life to the Lord.
At this point, I'm pretty quiet because I can't believe what I'm hearing.
Me: So, let me get this straight, you feel as if I've made you turn your back on God?
Him: No, I just think I need to spend more time in church.
Me: So, are you saying you don't want to see me anymore?
Him: I don't know what I want. I'm confused.

More talking

Him: I just don't know what to say.
Me: Well, when you figure it out, why don't you give me a call.

So, there you have it. I was dumped for God...how can you compete with The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit?

And you know, I should have seen it coming. He started going to this church after the first of the year and I noticed he was getting a little more Christian Fundamentalist after each Sunday, but two weeks prior to the dumping he had gotten REALLY bad. He made comments about how he wanted to teach abstinence only to his daughter, which I told him probably wasn't the best thing...sure, tell her the best thing to do is practice abstinence, but you might also want to educate her on safe sex...just in case. All of the sudden he had a massive case of homophobia, which in my opinion is the dumbest kind of phobia, he said things like "It's against God's will." I honestly thought this was just a really strange phase, but the more he said the more I started to think, 'If this phase doesn't end soon, we might have to end soon."

When I told my friend, Shawn, about what had happened he asked me what church he went to and when I told him the name he said, "Oh my God, that's the church that my friend's parents started going to, they brainwash people!" So, after hearing this bit of information I decided to some research on his church...I found out it is an 800 member church and found out that the doctrine they teach is considered by a lot of theologians to be somewhat of a cult. Then, I came across a newspaper article from 2008 that was about a youth minister that had just confessed to a murder that was committed in 1994 when he was 16 years old. Here are some quotes from that article...

He's a hero, really," said Kelley 24. "I don't know how many people would do what he did. The Bible says you just need to confess to God. Calvin took an extra step.

Inman's arrest should be a lesson in integrity, rather than a sinful scandal, many worshippers said.

To lock him away someplace and say he owes it to society is robbing the next generation of a mentor.

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand forgiving people is what your supposed to do, but apparently, this church talks about how homosexuality and premarital sex are horrible...but you can stab a guy in the chest and you want him to minister your youth? I don't get it.

So, it's probably best that this happened now.

Until next time...

Mandy