Mandy-isms

I have coined a couple of new phrases that have become quite popular with my friends.


Unicorn
Nubicorn
Donkicorn

First, we'll start off with the unicorn

A unicorn, as you all know, is a mythical animal generally depicted with the body and head of a horse, the hind legs of a stag, the tail of a lion, and a single horn in the middle of the forehead. That's the definition in Merriam-Webster. Here's my definition...

A unicorn is a man that is a genuinely nice guy. He's the guy that opens doors, lights cigarettes, and calls or texts you just to say hi. The guy that will take the trash out without you having to ask him. The guy that remembers to put the seat down. The one that places his hand in the small of your back to lead you through a crowded room. The man that will just start rubbing your back for no reason. The guy that will get what you need off the top shelf. A guy that will ask you before you leave, "Is your phone charged?" and "Be careful, call me when you get there." The one that wants to take care of you, not because you need them to but because they want to. The guy that holds your hand or lightly strokes your leg when you're just sitting on the couch watching TV. A man that, although he might not like your friends, he accepts them. Someone who appreciates the nice things his girlfriend/wife/significant other does for him and does not come to expect it. A guy that on the first date doesn't automatically assume that because he bought you dinner/drinks/movie that you are going to sleep with him. And when you do finally sleep with him, he's more concerned with your satisfaction than his own. A guy that can look at you and tell you that you're beautiful even when you first wake up. A man that has his own opinions and respects that you have yours and never degrades or belittles you if your opinions differ from theirs. Someone who won't cheat on you. A man that loves you, not despite, but because of your dorkiness, weird quirks and flaws.

I call these men unicorns, because I think they're mythical...you always hear about them, but have you actually seen them? I thought I saw one once or twice but they ended up either being a nubicorn or a donkicorn.

A nubicorn is almost a unicorn, his horn just hasn't grown in all the way. He's a nice guy, but he falls short in some of the other categories. He might be nice to you, but he's rude to others. Maybe he treats you like gold but is rude to your dog/cat/fish. Or, he's great to you, but he refuses to go around your friends or family. A nubicorn has the potential of turning into a unicorn, but for the most part they usually turn into a donkicorn.

A donkicorn is just a donkey with a strange head growth. They aren't mythical, but they are magical. He's the guy that knows exactly what to say or do when he first meets you to make you think he's this super nice guy (i.e. a unicorn), but then he does something that makes you realize that he's not a unicorn, he's not even a nubicorn, he's just a plain, old jackass. He'll tell you things like, "Wow, I've never been able to open up to a woman like I can with you." or "I've never been as comfortable with anyone else as I am with you." or "I can't wait to see you again." And, of course, it's all crap. They don't mean any of it. Usually, they tell you this stuff on the first date and if you don't automatically strip and mount them, they just move onto the next unsuspecting unicorn hunter. They jump from girl to girl until they find one that hasn't been screwed over by that many donkicorns, and usually they'll date you for a couple of months but then he gets bored and decides to end it or cheat on the girlfriend so she'll end it with him or, take the really crappy route, and just never call or answer calls again. Here are some of the lame excuses a donkicorn might use...

It's not you, it's me.
I'm just not ready for a relationship right now.
You were the first person I went out with after I split with my wife.
I cheated on you because you've put on weight.
I feel like I've turned my back on God, so I can't see you anymore.

Yes, these are all excuses that Donkicorns have given me. Their magic is powerful, but it only lasts a short while. Once the magic fades away, and you're looking at that jackass with that bizarre bump on his head...kick him in the junk and run away!

Until next time...

Mandy

Aaaand, Here We Go Again

I was looking at my calendar today and realized I have a little over 6 months before I have to be the MOH in Latischia's wedding. That's when I thought to myself, "Okay, Mandy, it's time to get back on track...you had your mourning period complete with mass quantities of ice cream, fried food and other artery hardening indulgences, but enough is enough. You need to visit Jillian again."

So there you have it, I'm going to start the THIRTY DAY SHRED again. I probably won't blog about it every day, but I will keep y'all posted on my progress.

Until next time...

Mandy

What?

As you all know, I got dumped for Jesus a couple of weeks ago. The week after the dumping happened I went and hung out with my friends, Shawn and Brian. I was in a funk, feeling sorry for myself and thinking ridiculous things like...

There is something wrong with me.
I drive people away.
Maybe things would have been different if I spoke Spanish.
He wouldn't have left if I had been thinner.
It's because I'm so tall! I can only imagine what I look like when I walk in a bar...I probably look like Godzilla about to take out a small village in Tokyo! (Yes, this sentence actually came out of my mouth.)

That's when Shawn and Brian said to me..."Mandy, fuck him! He wasn't good enough for you, obviously, because if he was he wouldn't have left you."

So, when I got home, I thought to myself, "Yeah, fuck him!" So, I joined a dating website...it's the same website that my friend met her boyfriend. And you know what I've come to realize...I am a FREAK MAGNET!

On this website, when you're logged in, random people can IM you. And for some reason, the majority of the men that have contacted me think it's perfectly acceptable to ask me for sex two sentences into our conversation. Guys, this is not hot or sexy! But tonight's freak took the cake...

Guy: Hey, you're cute.
Me: Thanks.
Guy: How are you
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH NOT IMPORTANT
Guy: So, we live in the same area.
Me: Yeah, I guess so.
Guy: Do you want to go out sometime?
Me: I don't know, I haven't even talked to you yet.
Guy: Well, would you mind if I was totally submissive?
Me: Umm, excuse me, what do you mean?
Guy: Would you mind being my personal dominatrix?
Me: Wow, that's the first time I've ever been asked that. Is there something about me that looks like a dom?
Guy: No, not really, but you live so close.
Me: Ummm, no, I don't think I would be okay with that.
Guy: There wouldn't be anything sexual, you could put me in a nice collar and lead me around.
Me: Ummm, no, I don't think I would want to do that.
Guy: I'm not only into BDSM, I also like ABDL.
Me: Okay, I don't know what ABDL is.
Guy: Adult Baby Diaper Lover.
Me: Okay, that's it, I've got to go.

Now that I'm single again, y'all are in for a treat...weirdos, freaks and losers. If you have a significant other, go give them a hug.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Didn't See That Coming

I should have, but I didn't.

I'm sure you've noticed my lack of posts the past week. I've been in a funk for the past week and a half because The Guy and I are no longer seeing each other.

That's right, I've been dumped and when you read the reasoning behind, said dumping, you will understand my state of disbelief.

Here, let me walk you through it...

The Guy and I had a routine...his daughter and her mother live right down the road from me, so when he dropped his daughter off on Sunday evenings he would come straight to my house and stay with me. So, Sunday, February 21 I spoke with him at 5:15p.

Me: Can't wait to see you tonight.
Him: Yeah, I can't stay tonight, but I'm going to come see you for a little bit.
Me: Oh, you're not, why?
Him: I just have some stuff to do at the house.
Me: OK.
Him: Well, let me finish up here and I'll see you in a little bit.
Me: OK

Fast forward to 5:50pm...he calls.

Him: I can't stop by tonight, I have my nephew with me.
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah, but I'm definitely coming over there tomorrow.
Me: OK, whatever.
Him: I'll call you when I get home.
Me: OK.

Now, once we got off the phone, I knew something was off...fast forward to 8:00pm, the phone rings.

Him: Hey, how mad are you?
Me: I don't know, why do you think I'm mad?
Him: Because I blew you off.
Me: That's a pretty good reason, don't you think?
Him: (sounding shitty) I wasn't going to tell my nephew he couldn't come!
Me: Whatever.
Him: Do you want me to just talk to you tomorrow.
Me: No, I want you to tell me what the hell is going on.
Him: I really wanted to talk to you about this face to face tomorrow.
Me: Oh no, I think we need to talk about this right now.
Him: For the past week I've felt like I'm dying inside.
Me: What?
Him: I feel like I've turned my back on God.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: I just think that I need to pray more.
Me: OK.
Him: I feel like an adulterer and think it's best if I devote my life to the Lord.
At this point, I'm pretty quiet because I can't believe what I'm hearing.
Me: So, let me get this straight, you feel as if I've made you turn your back on God?
Him: No, I just think I need to spend more time in church.
Me: So, are you saying you don't want to see me anymore?
Him: I don't know what I want. I'm confused.

More talking

Him: I just don't know what to say.
Me: Well, when you figure it out, why don't you give me a call.

So, there you have it. I was dumped for God...how can you compete with The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit?

And you know, I should have seen it coming. He started going to this church after the first of the year and I noticed he was getting a little more Christian Fundamentalist after each Sunday, but two weeks prior to the dumping he had gotten REALLY bad. He made comments about how he wanted to teach abstinence only to his daughter, which I told him probably wasn't the best thing...sure, tell her the best thing to do is practice abstinence, but you might also want to educate her on safe sex...just in case. All of the sudden he had a massive case of homophobia, which in my opinion is the dumbest kind of phobia, he said things like "It's against God's will." I honestly thought this was just a really strange phase, but the more he said the more I started to think, 'If this phase doesn't end soon, we might have to end soon."

When I told my friend, Shawn, about what had happened he asked me what church he went to and when I told him the name he said, "Oh my God, that's the church that my friend's parents started going to, they brainwash people!" So, after hearing this bit of information I decided to some research on his church...I found out it is an 800 member church and found out that the doctrine they teach is considered by a lot of theologians to be somewhat of a cult. Then, I came across a newspaper article from 2008 that was about a youth minister that had just confessed to a murder that was committed in 1994 when he was 16 years old. Here are some quotes from that article...

He's a hero, really," said Kelley 24. "I don't know how many people would do what he did. The Bible says you just need to confess to God. Calvin took an extra step.

Inman's arrest should be a lesson in integrity, rather than a sinful scandal, many worshippers said.

To lock him away someplace and say he owes it to society is robbing the next generation of a mentor.

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand forgiving people is what your supposed to do, but apparently, this church talks about how homosexuality and premarital sex are horrible...but you can stab a guy in the chest and you want him to minister your youth? I don't get it.

So, it's probably best that this happened now.

Until next time...

Mandy