I Told You I Don't Like That!

I hate discussing bodily functions, most of you know this. I even tell people when I first meet them, "I don't discuss bodily functions, I pretend they don't exist." Now, if someone made that statement to me, I would avoid poop conversations...Especially if I was trying to "woo" that person.

I have a gentleman calling me at the moment and I have told him about my detest of all things poop related and how I just don't even talk about it. I'm sorry, but there are a lot of things going on in the world right now, talking about poop or anything else of that nature shouldn't be high on your topic list. But oh no, y'all know me, I attract the weirdos...

When talking about his children...

Yep, I've been wiping butts for the past 5 years.

Really, was it necessary to put it that way? I just responded with an "Oh."

After finding out that I don't like the topic of bodily functions...

So, I guess you don't like the word diarrhea...

No, I don't...I think I just made that clear, but why don't you throw in the word fart, just to make this conversation that much more uncomfortable for me.

And here's the discussion from last night...

Him: I had sushi for dinner.
Me: Yum, that sounds good.
Him: Then I went and got some ice cream.
Me: Oh my, you put dairy on top of the raw fish?
Him: Well I didn't eat them together.
Me: But still, that's like eating fish with a milkshake...just the thought of mixing dairy with raw fish makes my stomach turn.
Him: Well, I look at it this way...it all makes the same turd.
Me: Um, gross...that's disgusting.

OK, I know I'm a little freaky weird about the poo talk...but even if I wasn't, the word "turd" is not sexy...I just think if you're trying to woo someone and you want them to go out with you why would you talk about poop?!

Seriously, how do these people find me?

Until next time...

Mandy

September 4, 1924

The greatest man in the world was born 85 years ago today; well, the greatest man in my world. Of course I'm talking about The Paw Paw! Seriously, everyone should have a Paw Paw! If you're new to Mainly Mandy, I'll fill you in on the awesomeness that is THE PAW PAW!

When my sperm-donor left, back in 1979, a very pregnant-the mother, took little Mandy to Nanny and Paw Paw's house where they took us in and Paw Paw started building a house for The Mother, The Mandy and the yet-to-be-born Megan behind his house. The three of us lived in that little 950 square foot house until I was 22...

The Paw Paw reading to little Mandy

The Paw Paw playing Uno with little Mandy after her first dance recital.

Us again.

Present day Paw Paw with my youngest nephew, Victor.

Here's a conversation my mother and I had recently...

Me: I just want to find a guy that will get the shit off the top shelf.

Mom: Mmmhmmm...

Me: Someone who will say, "I'm taking your car to have the oil changed."

Mom: Right.

Me: A dude that's going to ask, "Is your cell phone charged???"

Mom: OK.

Me: Someone that wants to take care of me, not because I need them to, but because the want to!

Mom: Well, what you want is a Paw Paw, and I'm sorry, but they don't make that model anymore!

And that's true, they don't. I've always said that I want what my grandparents had. Do you know that, 'til the day my Nanny died she swore up and down that she didn't know how to put gas in her car. Whenever she'd get to a quarter of a tank, she'd tell Paw Paw and he would take it to the gas station and fill it up. NOW, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAW PAW! Hope your day is fabulous!

Until next time...

Mandy

Apparently...It's Me.

As most of my long time readers know, when I first started this little online journal type thing it was basically a "diary" of being single after a six year relationship. So, I joined an online dating site. Personally, I think online dating is an awesome way for people over 30 to meet others in their age bracket also the city of Houston is large and not just our population...I have no idea how many square miles Houston, TX is, but take my word for it, it would take you several hours to drive around the entire city...so online dating lets you meet people on the other side of the city that you would have never had the opportunity to meet had it not been for the internet. The last time around, I think I did it for 6 or 7 months then I decided to give it a rest, but I knew I would most likely try it again.

So, here we are. A friend of mine and I decided that we were both going to join sites...she joined Yahoo, which is the one I used the last time and I joined Match. She, is now talking to two different guys...one is a very cute IT guy that works for a lawyer in the galleria area and another guy who is hotter than Georgia asphalt and owns an international heavy equipment company, so he travels all over the world.

How have I done, you ask? Well, let me tell you...the first guy seemed promising, but it didn't pan out. The second guy...he's a toll booth operator! And today, today I was contacted by a lovely gentleman. Here's an excerpt of his profile...

a perfect match 4 me wud be a girl dats open about almost anything, n has a beautiful personality n cute feet, i do have have a foot fetish, but im not crazy with it r weird about it

How do these people find me? This is actually copied and pasted from his profile...his whole profile is chock full of dis, dat and im lookin 4. I'm sorry, but he's 33 years old, why does he feel the need to speak like that? And seriously, who just puts it out there they like feet? I mean don't get me wrong, I'll take a good toe sucking any day, but that's besides the point. :)

Freaks and potheads...I guess I need to go invest in some pedicures and some grow lights.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Am So In the Now!

YAY ME!!!! I'm in the now...I figured out how to download my video onto YouTube! So, I hope y'all enjoy.




Speaking of in the now and futuristic stuff...look what we saw on I10 on the ride home...

That's right people, it was a DeLorean. We were going about 88 miles an hour...it passed us up and we never saw it again. "Roads, where we're going we don't need roads."

Until next time...

Mandy

NAAAAAYYYYY...

Guess who's coming to the office to drop off some tires...WILLIE!!!!

Yep, y'all remember Willie...I've mentioned him here and here.

Boss Man just called to tell me that Willie is going to be dropping off some tires here at the office but, "I'm not sure if he'll come in or not." To which I replied, "Of course he's coming in, he has to call me Clydesdale and make mention of me being thick, big or some sort of remark about my ass."

Maybe I'll be all stealth mode and get a picture so y'all can get the full effect that is WILLIE!

Until next time...

Mandy

Animation

On the ride home from Louisiana on Sunday, I recorded a video of Terra and me. Sadly, I can't figure out how to download the damn thing...I would really like to post it here. Anyway, I've watched it on my camera and the first thing that came out of my mouth is, "Oh my God, I never realized how goofy I look when I talk."

People have always told me that I'm extremely animated when I talk, but I didn't realize it was to that extent...I was borderline a cartoon character. From facial expressions to hand gestures to laughing it was all there.

So, I have a question for those of you who know me in the real world...

Should I work on this and try to tone down my face or should I just go with it and accept the fact that this is just another quirky thing that make me MANDY?

Oh, and if you know how to download video from a Kodak easyshare camera...please let me know.

Until next time...

Mandy

AHHHHHHHH EEEEEEEEE

Terra and I went to Opelousas, LA this weekend for her birthday. (Not because Opelousas is a party town but because her family lives there.) Saturday night, all the girls got all fancy so we could go to a couple of bars. We get to the first bar, Triple Crown, and we were all standing around talking waiting for the band to start. Before we went out, I told Terra that there would be a theme for the nights pictures...DIRTY HAND GESTURES!

Terra and me on the way to the bar

SHOCKER!


An oldie but a goodie. Seriously, when was the last time you saw that hand gesture?

Double Shocker...one with a trigger and one without. It's just your personal preference.

I ran out of hand gestures, so I just started grabbing boobs.

This is Jonathon...Terra's cousin's husband.

Terra and Sarah

So, after a couple of hours at Triple Crown...the night went downhill from there. The group of people we went out with decided they wanted to go to a place called...Cowboys. As we were walking out of the first bar, we found out the car assignments had changed. Terra and I had originally been riding with Amanda and Corey but then another couple needed to ride with them so then we were going to ride with Sarah and Jonathon...but, there was a car seat in their backseat. So, I made the announcement..."Does anyone have room for me? I can't fit in a car seat." So Douche Bag # 1, we'll call him David tells me that his friend, Douche Bag # 2 is riding by himself and I should just ride with him. So, I'm all, "OK." And that's when the night jumped directly into the hand basket and off to hell we went.

First, let me describe Jason...he's your run of the mill douche bag. He wears his Affliction shirt with his baggy pants, he's a little over weight yet he claims to be an MMA fighter and even has "Tapout" tattooed on his forearm.

So, I hop in the passenger seat of the truck and he's being all rude to me and stuff. And, here's how that conversation went...

Me: Dude, if you didn't want me to ride with you, all you would have had to say is...Bitch, I don't want you in my car.

Him: Whatever, it's fine.

Me: Are you OK to drive?

Him: I'm pretty good.

Me: OK, just don't kill me.

He starts playing music really loud so I just sit there, quietly. Then he starts driving 90 miles an hour down the freeway.

Then he tells me that he needs to stop by an ATM. So, we go to a Shell station right across the busy street from the bar we were supposed to end up at. It was at that moment that I realized that all my money and my I.D. was in my purse...with Terra. We both got out of the truck...

Me: *While shifting my weight back and forth doing the pee pee dance* I'm going to run to the ladies room real quick, don't leave me here.

Him: Look, the bar is right accross the street.

Me: I don't give a fuck where it is, DO NOT LEAVE ME HERE.

Him: Well hurry up, or I will leave you here.

Me: *Still shifting my weight* YOU LISTEN TO ME RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE ME HERE, I WILL WALK MY HAPPY ASS ACROSS THIS STREET, GO INTO THAT BAR, I WILL FIND YOU AND *while punching the air* I WILL HIT YOU IN THE FACE. DO YOU HEAR ME? I AM IN LOUISIANA, I AM IN HIGH HEELS, ALL OF MY MONEY AND MY I.D. ARE WITH TERRA...DO NOT LEAVE ME HERE.

Him: OK, fine...just hurry up!

When I walk out of the bathroom, Jason is standing there...

Me: Oh wow, you didn't leave me.

Him: The ATM took longer than I thought.

Me: That's awesome.

Him: OK, let's go.

We park behind the bar and I walk on one side of the bar and he walks on the other. When we get to the entrance, he just walks in and leaves me standing in front of the bar...by myself. Finally, Terra gets there, I get my money and I.D. we walk in and Jason and I spend the rest of the evening avoiding and giving dirty looks to each other. I figured, with a name like Cowboys, that it was a country bar which was fine, except they don't two step...I'm not sure what they were doing and when you throw in an accordion...it gets even weirder. Then, as I was standing there, minding my own business a black guy in a cowboy hat grabs my ass then after that, some guy who came up to my boobs asked me to dance. Yep, just another night out in Mandy's world!

Until next time...

Mandy