Thirty Minutes

That's how much sleep I got last night...30 minutes.

I'm doing OK right now, but I have a feeling around 1p I'm going to be all delirious and giggly.

It was a good night though. Get your mind out of the gutter, it wasn't the bow chicka bow wow kind of good, but good nonetheless.

I'm going to Opelousas, LA this weekend with Terra. It is certain that fun times will be had...but when the patriarch of the family is known as Papa Pooney, you shouldn't expect anything less than fun times.

Until next time...

Mandy

New Header Picture

So, I decided to change my picture, you know, up there ^. Although, my Wonder Woman Underoos picture is one of my favorites of me growing up...I think I like this one equally as well.

So, I guess you're wondering what the hell I was doing dressed as a chicken. Well, let me tell ya...

I wasn't a chicken, I was Disco Duck. Yep, the first tap dance I ever did was to Disco Duck. I believe this was around 1979.

So, what do you think...should I keep the duck or go back to my superhero alter-ego???

Until next time...

Mandy

Boys and Bathrooms

This post is going to be completely different than what I usually write. If you know me personally then you know how much I HATE, LOATHE and DETEST toilet humor.

With that being said...

There are three people that work at my company. There are two men and me. We have been open for about 2 1/2 years and, let me tell you, it has been an eye opening experience. Especially when it comes to, duh, duh, duuuuuh, THE BATHROOM.

Let me start by telling you, when I was growing up I never had to share a bathroom with a boy. In my house it was The Mother, The Sister, Me and two female dogs...Gypsy and Cookie. We cleaned the bathroom once a week and that was really the only time the seat got lifted.

Now that I'm older, have lived with a couple of guys and had to share a bathroom with my two coworkers, I have come to the conclusion that men are DISGUSTING BATHROOM PIGS.

Here are some of my complaints...

1. I didn't realize how difficult it was to lift the seat. Seriously, nothing makes me happier than going into the bathroom and having to wipe your piss off the seat!

2. Do I need to give you a scope to put on your penis? How hard is it to aim your "little dude" at the big hole with the happy water?

3. Why is it necessary to shake your dick to get the pee pee off? You know what happens when you shake it...your urine goes all over the lip of the toilet. Why can't you grab a little square of toilet paper and wipe the tip of your member? Please someone explain this one to me!

4. And about the lip of the toilet...you know that toilet paper I was just talking about, could you maybe grab some and wipe the little pee droplets off? Thanks, that would be great!

And my least favorite thing about sharing a bathroom with men...

5. Why can't you flush 'til the bowl is clean? And you know what? It's not just here that I have experienced the scary toilet. The last company I worked for I had to share a bathroom with a big, bunch of men. There was one time that I actually went into the bathroom and came right back out and sat the men in the office down and said, "Look, I don't know whose ass exploded in there, but guess what, I'm not cleaning that up. When I go into the ladies room, the last thing I want to see are skid marks from here to I10! So, y'all either need to change your diet, or learn how to use the little scrub brush next to the toilet, because y'all are just gross."

And guess what? The mothers of the world are not helping! I have friends with little boys that say, "Well, that's little boys." No ma'am. There is no excuse for leaving poo in the toilet, peeing on the floor and bad bathroom etiquette all together.

Oh, and here's another reason I will probably never get married...

I was at the gym the other day and this woman was telling us how she was talking to a girl, that had just gotten married at the laundromat and the girl, while holding a pair of her husband's dirty underwear, said, "Oh wow, I've never had to wash underwear with skid marks in them."

FUCK A BIG, BUNCH OF THAT!

I'm sorry, but if you're old enough to get married, then you're old enough to know how to wipe your own ass! (The only exception is if you hit a deer or something, then I'll give you a free pass. But even then, I think I would probably tell you to either throw them away or wash them yourself.)

Bottom line...Guys, stop being gross in the bathroom!

Until next time...

Mandy

In The Weeds

OK, I think I might have the essence of weed. You read that right, weed as in marijuana, ganja, smoke, grass, pot, etc, etc. It seems as though the only men that are attracted to me come complete with a dime bag and a pipe. Which, is completely bizarre since I've only smoked the weed once, hated it and never did it again.



It all started my senior year in high school...up until then, I was very naive. I honestly believed that there wasn't a drug problem at Channelview High School. Then, I started dating this guy and when I went in his bedroom the first time I saw this weird, vase looking thing. When I inquired about this unusual room decor he looked at me like I was nuts...



Him: That's a bong.
Me: What's a bong?
Him: You smoke weed with it.
Me: YOU SMOKE POT?
Him: Uhhh, yeah.
Me: OK, well I don't want to.
Him: That's fine, I'm not going to make you smoke it.
Me: Good.

So, we dated for like 4 - 6 months, and let me tell you, he and all his friends called me the "Queen of Crib." Every time I went over there, I was immediately sleepy and would just fall asleep, I think it had something to do with the haze that was floating throughout the entire house.

Then there was the boy that lived with me after I graduated...MAJOR pothead. I don't want to go into him...he broke me. (not financially, I was not the same after he and I broke up...I trusted NO ONE!)

Then there was the guy that was a year younger than me. He was 20 and I was 21. He was the guy I smoked the pot with...and I thought I was going to die. I had been around enough pot heads to know the unwritten rule...If it's someone's first time to smoke, don't lace it with anything. People, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt like my face was melting, I couldn't breathe, I was seeing into the future and once I got home...I threw up. Needless to say, I did not get the euphoric feelings that everyone told me I would have. So, after the weed had run it's course I decided that I would never smoke it again.

Luckily, the guy I was with for 6 years didn't smoke the ganja.


Then on to my last ex.


As some of you may remember, I met him at a party. At one point in the evening, he and another guy said, "Uhhh, we're going to the store real quick...we need cigarettes." And I totally believed them. (Apparently, some of that naivety was still hanging around.) Everyone else started laughing, and I was oblivious. It never dawned on me that they came back empty handed. Anyway, I found out later that he smoked. But, he told me that he didn't smoke that often. So, I was like, "OK, every once in a while he'll smoke a little. No big deal." But then he moved into my apartment and brought with him his grocery bag full of weed. I don't think he and I were on the same page when he said he didn't smoke THAT MUCH. It's like that line in Knocked UP..."You don't smoke weed at all, like in the morning?" I told him I didn't like having that much marijuana in my home, but he didn't listen. Then he quit his job, and I told him he was an idiot...there aren't that many jobs anymore that don't drug test. I ended up kicking him, his pot and his pipe out.


And here we are in the present day of Mandy.


Recently, I've kicked around the idea of the online dating thing again. The last time I did it, I had a lot of fun and met some very interesting characters. So, I uploaded about five pictures and did my whole "about me" section. And guess what...I've had several emails sent and a lot of page views and the majority of the men who have looked at me have things like...

1. I quit smoking cigarettes (but I still smoke)
2. *Answering the questions, Do you smoke?* I'll tell you later - which usually means, "I've got a big bag of weed at my house!"
3. I'm 420 friendly!

It's so bad that my friends tease me about it.

I guess I'm a beacon in the night to pot heads...or the lighter to their pipe.

Until next time...

Mandy

Creepiness and Cake

I have had a couple of people ask me, "Who is Cake Girl?"

As mentioned in one of my previous posts, Sublime Enigma and I have been reading each other's blogs since 2007 and he has become one of my favorite bloggers. I was lucky enough to meet him last month at The Wooden Birds Show at Walter's on Washington...fun times. Anyway, one of my favorite posts was about a birthday gathering for a girl he was seeing at the time and after that gathering she was called Cake Girl.

If you are not a regular reader of Mr. Enigma, you really should check is page out. There is good stuff there.

Until next time...

Mandy

*Sublime Enigma - If you would like me to take the links off, please let me know.

What...That Was Creepy?

Two and a half years ago I met this guy at a bar, he was a friend of a friend. The whole night we were flirting back and forth and he was buying me drinks blah, blah, blah. Then I looked down and noticed the class ring on his hand.

Mandy: Oh, what school did you go to?
Matt: C.E. King
Mandy: No, your ring. What college did you go to?
Matt: I didn't go to college.
Mandy: But your ring says 2004.
Matt: Yeah, that's when I graduated high school.
Mandy: WHAT!?! I graduated from high school in 1994!
Matt: So.
Mandy: What do you mean, so? How old are you?
Matt: I'm 21.
Mandy: Oh my GOD!!! I am 31 years old...thanks for the drinks, but I have to go.

Fast forward two and a half years...I walk into the same bar to hang out with the same friends I was hanging out with two and a half years earlier and guess who was standing with my friends...yep, Matt. But this time, he was two and a half years older.

Matt: Hey Amanda, how have you been.
Mandy: Good, you?
Matt: Good, I have a daughter now.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH small talk BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Mandy: You know what, you look a lot like Seth Rogen.
Matt: Really, is that a good thing?
Mandy: You have no idea. Seth Rogen is my ultimate celebrity "would ya?"
Matt: Oh yeah.
Mandy: Yep. Well, I have to go. I'm meeting friends out. You should come we're going to go to several different bars.
Matt: OK, sounds good. Can I get your number?
Mandy: Sure.

So, I give him my number. And we start texting and calling. I would even refer to him as my little Mexican Seth Rogen. The texting and calling went on for about two weeks. Then, we decided to hang out one Sunday afternoon at my house. He told me that he would bring the movie, Pineapple Express and we would order a pizza, etc.

He gets to my house and this is what happens.

Mandy: *opening the door, holding my dog.* Hi, come on in.
Matt: *patting the dog on the head* Hey, who is this?
Mandy: This is Rogen.
Matt: Rogen?
Mandy: Yeah, you know like Seth Rogen.
Matt: Oh, ok. Look, I brought the movie.
Mandy: Oh, good.
*I order the pizza, put the movie in the DVD player and we sit on the couch.*
Matt: *Looking at the magazines on my coffee table* Wow, you even have magazines with Seth Rogen on the cover.
Mandy: Yeah, whenever I see him on a magazine cover I pick it up.
Matt: Oh.

So, the pizza gets delivered, we eat and watch the rest of the movie.

Matt: Well, I'm going to go. I have a lot of stuff to get together for work.
Mandy: Oh, OK. Are you sure?
Matt: Yeah. I'll call you later.

And I never heard from him again. Then, my friend Jeremy called me a couple of days later...

Jeremy: So, how did it go with Mexican Seth Rogen?
Mandy: I thought it went OK, but I haven't heard from him?
Jeremy: Really, that's weird.
Mandy: I know.
Jeremy: What did y'all do?
I recapped everything from the movie to the pizza to the quick exit.
Jeremy: Oh my God Mandy. Do you still have your Seth Rogen Magazines out?
Mandy: Yes.
Jeremy: And y'all were watching a Seth Rogen movie?
Mandy: Yes.
Jeremy: And your little dog Rogen was sitting on the couch with y'all?
Mandy: Yes.
Jeremy: Mandy, Hun, you creeped that poor boy out.
Mandy: What? No way.
Jeremy: Think about it, you told him he looked like Seth Rogen, you invited him over to your house where you have a borderline shrine to him.
Mandy: Oh wow, I never thought about that. I think this is the first time I've ever been creepy.
Oh my God, do you think he was counting the minutes until the end of the movie so he could get out of my house before I boiled his bunny?
Jeremy: I wouldn't doubt it.
Mandy: Well, that just sucks.

I've never been creepy girl before. I've always been awesome Mandy that drinks beer and can out raunch guys.

Oh well.

Until next time...

Mandy

Wow...

I can't believe it's almost been a month since my last post. Sorry it's taken me so long to get on here, but I've been a busy little girl lately. I'll give you the rundown...

1. My bestie and her husband have split up. This is the main reason I haven't posted anything lately. The majority of my free time has been with her.

2. I've been out of town the past two weekends. Last weekend I went to New Braunfels with Tish and her mom and we did the whole "tubin' the river" or if I'm being honest "walking on slimy rocks because the river was so low that floating was not an option because Texas hasn't seen a good rain in I don't know how long." You should have seen my legs, I looked like someone beat me with a stick. Then, this past weekend, I went to Wimberley, TX with Terra to visit her dad. I've decided that if I was going to live in a small town, it would be Wimberley, TX. We went to Jacob's Well, which was all slimy because of the lack of rain and then we went to The Blue Hole. Then we went back to Terra's dad's house and sat in the hot tub (the water was more luke warm than hot, which was fine because it was hotter than hell outside.) for like 4 hours. Then, on Sunday, we left Wimberley and went to Austin to visit my friend Laura and her sexy, sexy boyfriend. We stayed there for about an hour and a half then headed back to H-Town. (Actually, we headed back to Friendswood which is a suburb of Houston where Terra lives.)

So, there you have it. I finally posted something. Check back later in the week, I have a couple of stories to tell. One includes me with a broom looking like a Samurai Warrior and the other includes me possibly creeping a young man out.

Until next time...

Mandy

P.S. Happy 300th post to me!!!