Mainly Mandy

Hair or Bare...

2011-03-31T07:21:00.003-06:00

Here is a question I have asked a couple of my girlfriends and none of us seem to know the answer. I can remember, in the mid-late 90's, when a girl shaved below the waist she was considered a dirrrty girl. :) Now, it seems if you don't shave below the waist, your a dirty girl. :( When did shaving and waxing become a staple in the personal hygiene department? I know that keeping your bikini line trimmed has always been fashionable...no one wants to see stray hairs peaking out from the sides of your panties or swimsuit. But, when did absolutely bald make or break your sex life? Maybe it's because porn has become more mainstream, maybe it was the popularity of the thong, MAYBE it was that friggin' sex tape Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee made...I have no idea. What I do know, I might have to start taking yoga just so I will be able to keep contorting myself so I won't be a dirty girl. :( Until next time... Mandy

The Last Seven Months in Photos...

2011-03-26T11:33:00.011-06:00

and a few words. It seems as though after 35 years on this planet, my life is unrecognizable. I think it's a good thing, only time will tell... In September I started dating a boy, as you will see in the photos to come.

OCTOBER 2010

In October, everything got CRAZY busy. It started with my friend, Latischia's wedding.

Latischia and me before the rehearsal dinner.I was the maid of honor. (This is us before the ceremony.)Okay, this is Doug. This is the guy I started dating in Sept.Latischia and Kelly's first dance.This is us doing the not yet traditional bride/maid of honor dance.We were dancing to Redneck GirlUmm, because no celebration is complete without me taking photos with boobies.This was Halloween. Doug's friend had a party at his house. I dressed up as Doug.This was at the end of the evening. I had the most comfortable costume and I won Most Original. Sadly, it took about a week to finally scrub all the tattoos off of me.

NOVEMBER 2010

November was one of the busiest months of my life. I went to three different concerts...Suicidal Tendencies, Bad Religion and Reverend Horton Heat. I also went on vacation to Breckenridge, CO.

This is Rita and me.

My only goal was to make a snow angel. Mission accomplished. (Please notice the jazz hands that my angel has.!)Because, no matter what, I'm a Texas girl! GUNS UP!This is my friend Mikael. We had not seen each other in about 10 years. He lives near Denver and came up the mountain to see me.Once we realized that it was snowing outside, we ran onto the balcony...You would have thought we were 7 years old. I'll have to find the video and post it.This is Rita and me swimming in the snow! Heated pool + snowflakes falling = AWESOME!Umm, because why wouldn't I stay at a place called Beaver Run?Me saying bye to Colorado. When I got back to Houston, I called my mom and said, "That's it, I'm selling everything I own and I'm moving to CO! Sadly, everything I own will only get me as far as Katy."This was at the Reverend Horton Heat show. I really liked his hair!DECEMBER 2010

December brought lots of holiday parties, time with my family, and a new haircut.

Here's Doug and me at his friends' Christmas Party.

Chocolate covered cherry jello shots. I look like a drunk, crazy porn star in this photo, but it makes me laugh!This is my Paw Paw and me at our family Christmas gathering. I heart my Paw Paw!Here we are on New Year's Eve. I decided since I looked like a full blown lesbian on Halloween I was going to dress up a bit for New Year. I adore my burgundy stripper wig!!!JANUARY 2011

January is when the changes started happening...Change #1, I lost my job. Thank you recession!

This is mom and me. We're total dorks.

Because I haven't posted any photos of Rogen in a long time...Here he is in his sock monkey bed.FEBRUARY 2011

I actually don't have any photos from February. I will tell you I started my new job in February, found a new apartment (which I will be moving into in April) and broke up with my boyfriend.

MARCH 2011

In March I turned 35, survived Spring Break working in a resort type atmosphere geared towards families, and have actually been able to hang out with my friends a little bit!

So, there you have it. My life. Sorry for not posting anything for so long. I promise I will be better. Until next time... Mandy

Yesterday Was a Sad Day.

2010-09-30T07:01:00.002-06:00

My facebook wall will explain it all...

The day started out with a wall post from my sister. The comments that follow make me laugh.

Megan: Are you ok? you're not locked in a padded room somewhere are you?

Amanda: I'm fine...why do you ask?
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Megan: You didn't hear? Seth Rogen is engaged.
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Jack: Its true Amanda...however, Lindsey Lohan should be out of jail soon and if you play your cards right she can blow that relationship to smithereens. If that does not work just remember it is a Hollywood relationship and she be over within 18 months or so
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: I'd like to thank both of my siblings for their support in this very rough time in my life. I'll be okay, it'll just take time. *as a single tear rolls down my cheek.*
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Jack: I Just got a call from Rogen's people and they asked me if I would officiate the wedding...I told them "Are you kidding me, the guy just broke my sisters heart, no way I want to help that scumbag!" Then they told me what the honorarium was....sorry Amanda - I must do the Lords will!
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: That's going to be very interesting considering he's Jewish. But, I understand. Just let him know before the ceremony that he's missing out on one awesome, tall, chunky, southern girl. 22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Megan: Jack....just "forget" to sign the marriage licence.
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: Ooooh, I like that, Megan. Jack, can you make that happen?!?!?
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Jack: Megan - AWESOME IDEA! Amanda - For that chunk of change I will convert - I studied Hebrew in Seminary
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Megan: She's just after his celebrity! May he get her one of those rings that cannot be cut off with any thing and may she smash her finger in the limo door.
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: Megan, this is why I ♥ you!!!
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Megan: Lol I'm the red one on the right while Jacks the white one on the left!
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Doug: I got your back ;)
20 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Then, I posted this on my wall...

Amanda: It's a sad day in my usually happy, little bubble.
Seth Rogen Gets Engaged.
23 Hours Ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike · View Feedback (8)Hide Feedback (8)

Jack: She is a complete looser - what a tramp!
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: I totally agree! I don't know how I'm going to break the news to Rogen the Wonder Pup. He's going to be very upset...He was looking forward to being Rogen Rogen.
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Jack: This quote from the article"Seth has joked before, “I have a girlfriend who is far prettier than I should have,” though we’re assuming he made that crack before he was a skinny, in-demand comedy star and looked more like a sarcastic grizzly... bear escaping from the zoo. Either way, we couldn’t be more excited for the happy couple. Now we just find a fiancée for Jonah Hill so he doesn’t start moping around the house watching ANTM marathons. One, two, three, not it!"

#1 - You loved him when he was the sarcastic grizzly bear escaping from the zoo!

#2 - That Jonah Hill kid is still available and may I say as a completely heterosexual male....he is pretty hot!
23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: This is why I ♥ you, Jack.
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Megan: She'll get tired of his newly shaven face, greek god physique and throw him away soon enough!
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Amanda: One can only hope!
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Jack: Megan - are you talking about Seth or my wife Dorothy, because that woman loves my clean shaven face and greek god body!
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

Megan: Seth's girl, Dorothy would never!
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike

My sister and I did not grow up with our brother...I think it's weird that our sense of humor is all pretty similar. I guess DNA is a powerful thing.

And Seth, if you're reading this, DON'T DO IT! You're supposed to marry me!!!

Until next time...

Mandy

Phrases Mandy Hates

2010-08-23T09:02:00.003-06:00

In the past I have started segments here on Mainly Mandy that I stick to for a little bit and then they go by the wayside, this will probably be the same way, but I decided to start a new thing...

PHRASES MANDY HATES!

Are there certain phrases that people use that just completely irritate you, I have several. To start out this little segment I will tell you one that irks me to no end...

Using baby girl as a term of endearment.

example: It's so good to see you, Baby Girl, how have you been?

I don't know where this nickname came from, the only thing I can figure out is it started getting used quite often after Sugarland released, Baby Girl. When the song first came out, I'm not going to lie, I thought it was a catchy little diddy. Now, it makes me grit my teeth.

It really bothers me when refer to their adult daughters this way...

That's my baby girl over there.

Really, that 20 year old sitting there with her thong sticking out of the back of her pants, chugging beer out of a beer bong is your baby girl?

And it REALLY irritates me when someone refers to me as their "baby girl." Especially when it's one of my good ol' boy customers.

Baby girl, do you think you can get a man on the phone so I can ask him what kind of hydraulic oil I need to put in my forklift?

I am 34 years old and been in this industry for 10 years now, I think I can help you.

It even bothers me when people refer to kids as baby girl.

My baby girl starts 2nd grade today.

I'm sorry, but if you are no longer wearing diapers, you should never be referred to as baby girl!

Until next time...

Mandy

Thanks For Blowing Me Off!

2010-08-17T10:56:00.002-06:00

Friday night, I got together with some of my alumni girls. I always call them my Young Ones, because none of them are 30 yet. And, apparently when I'm with My Young Ones I think that I'm not 30 yet. Well, that's not true, My Young Ones act like I'm not 30 yet. So, needless to say, I got INTOXICATED Friday night. I think I've stated before that I'm a beer girl, I'm not into fruity drinks and I don't like shots, except for one...Jagermeister. Jager and I have been good friends since 2002 or 2003. I don't mean Jager Bombs, I'm talking straight Jager.

Anyway, so I'm sitting at the table with JoLyn - 28, Lindsey - 23, Alicia - 27 (who is the bartender there) and Terry, JoLyn's boyfriend - 29. NONE OF THESE PEOPLE WERE BORN BEFORE 1980! I'm not sure how many shots of Jager Alicia brought me, all I know is I didn't order but one of them. Back to the story...We're sitting there and all of a sudden JoLyn looks at me and says...

JoLyn: You're not going to believe who just walked in.
Me: Who?
JoLyn: Mexican Seth Rogen.

Do y'all remember Mexican Seth Rogen?

And, my faithful readers, when I looked up I saw him standing there with another friend of mine. So, I looked at my friends and said, "I'm going to say hi to Mem!"

After a brief conversation with Mem, I looked at him and he said...

MSR: Hi, Amanda! How are you?
Me: I'm good. How are you?
MSR: I'm great.

And if I hadn't already been creepy enough...I pull the creepy drunk girl...

Me: That's good. You blew me off!
MSR: No I didn't.
Me: What the eff ever! Yes you did. How's your daughter doing?
MSR: She's good. I have a second daughter now, she's 8 months old.
Me: THANK YOU FOR BLOWING ME OFF!!! I want no part of your fertileness!

With that I turned around and walked away. The next morning, in my haze of feeling like hammered asshole, I realized something...

I'm no mathematician, but I do believe that girl was pregnant when he and I started talking. So, maybe I wasn't creepy girl...maybe he's just fertile jackass boy.

Nah, I'm sure my creepiness had a little to do with it...and I'm sure my confronting him in the middle of the bar didn't help my claims of normalcy. Oh well! :)

Until next time...

Mandy

Slinging a Hot Dog Down a Hallway

2010-07-19T07:04:00.008-06:00

I was talking to a friend last night and we were talking about photos that women send via text messaging. Let me start this by saying, I'm all for women feeling sexy and empowered...I don't personally do the naked text photo, but I know there are women that do. I don't do it because once you hit send then that photo belongs to the recipient and they can do whatever they want with it. And, I'm sorry, I do not want my naked body being sent to an entire phone list whether it be on purpose on on accident. But, I get it, if you're comfortable enough with your body and you have no plans on running for public office and you're sending it to your significant other, then whatever...go for it. I don't understand the photos that women send to men that are just of their lady parts...but, hey, if you want to give someone a gynecological eye view of your hoohaa, have at it. But again, you run the risk of your nether regions being blasted out to the masses.

With all that being said, there seems to be a growing trend of photos being taken by average, everyday women with household items inserted in their lady box. After hearing about some of the photos that my friend has received, from women he IS NOT in a relationship with, I was basically mortified.

Pillar Candles. I can honestly say, I've never looked at a candle and thought, hmmm how awesome would that be to get up on that!

A baseball bat. "HEEEEEY, BATTER, BATTER, BATTER..." Really, did you watch your child play t-ball and think to yourself, "I have to have that in me!"

Golf Clubs - Insert Tiger Woods joke here.

The Base of a Table Lamp - This was my only question when I heard this one..."How much lube would you need to get that up in your punani?"

A Bowling Pin - Who has a bowling pin in a closet and if you do who thinks to themselves, "I wonder what it would feel like to have a bowling pin in me?" I didn't even ask what end was inside, I really don't think I want to know.

A Bowling Ball - Really? It just doesn't seem like you'd snap back from that.

So, here's my question, do men find this sexy? I'm trying to figure out the thought process behind this. Maybe I'm nuts, but I don't want to do anything to my C U Next Tuesday that's going to make me look like I'm all stretched out. The bad thing is, these are just women that he either knows from random meetings in bars or hook-ups. This is what I told my friend..."If these women, that you don't know, are sending these photos to you, what the hell are they sending to people they actually do know?"

Here was the Mandyism of the night...

I'm sitting here, looking around my living room and there is nothing that I would want to do that with, especially since I would have to dust whatever is first.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Have a New Friend!

2010-07-08T13:16:00.003-06:00

I have a new friend and his name is Sam. We met back in February and have become besties! Seriously, I never thought I could become such good friends with a someone in such a short period of time. He is kind of the male equivalent of me when it comes to dating. We both attract the freaks of nature. The majority of our conversations revolve around the weirdos that are attracted to us. It feels good to finally be the one that gets to use the phrase, "Where do you find these people?"

To say that our friendship has been an eye-opening experience would be a bit of an understatement. I'll write more about that in a future post.

After talking to me for right at six months, he can finally understand the majority of the things that I say...At first, I had to repeat every other word because he couldn't understand me due to my thick southern accent, which I don't really get since he grew up in Georgia. (I don't think my accent is that bad, I don't hear any difference in the way we speak.) He is actually in the process of teaching me Hindi and I wish I had videoed or recorded some of our past lessons because the dialogue between the two of us is hilarious. I might have to do a re-enactment of the number portion of the lesson.

Probably one of the best things about having him as a friend is that I get the male perspective in the dating world. And, he's brutally honest which sometimes comes across as mean, but I know that he's only telling me these things to help me not hurt me.

Here are a couple of excerpts from some of out conversations...

Sam: So, did you talk to that guy?
Me: yeah, but he's only been separated from his wife for a month.
Sam: Ewwww, that's not good.
Me: Yeah, and he sounds really country...like, his accent is so bad, I could hear it.
Sam: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that's pretty bad.

Sam: So, that chic wants to go out tonight so she's going to her house to get an overnight bag and then meeting me back over here.
Me: What?
Sam: She's meeting me over here.
Me: You don't listen to a damn thing I tell you, do you?
Sam: What?
Me: You know what, for being a card-carrying member of Mensa, you sure do make some stupid decisions.
Sam: HAHAHAAHAHAHAH, there's my Mandyism for the day.

Sam: It's raining over here.
Me: (while driving) Yeah, it looks like I'm about to go into some bad weather.
Sam: Yeah, I'm watching the weather on the local news.
Me: Have they shown the minority kids playing in a ditch full of water yet?
Sam: Huh?
Me: Okay, it's raining, I have to go.

the text I received shortly there after...

Sam: There it is. Black kids playing in the water. Damn, you know your peeps.

And those are just the first couple that pop into my head. I could do a daily post on conversations between the two of us.

Until next time...

Mandy

Oh, sorry about the lack of posts lately...I'll try to be a better blogger in the future. :)

F is for Fetish

2010-06-11T07:56:00.003-06:00

I think my love of Bettie Page has given me a fetish aura. Now not only are the freaks and weirdos contacting me, but people with not so common fetishes are sending me emails.

Want proof, here ya go...

Bachelor #1:

I receive an email from a guy that sounded pretty normal. He owns some sort of company that does accounting services for small companies, he's pretty cute and he was very nice. So, I decided to give him my phone number.

After we exchange pleasantries, the conversation took an odd turn.

Him: So, you're 5'8"?
Me: Well, between 5'8" and 5'9".
Him: Wow, that's awesome.
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah, I'm 5'9"
Me: Well, at least you're taller than me.
Him: Yeah, unless you wear 4" heels.
Me: Well, I do have some shoes that put me right at 6'.
Him: That would be amazing. I would love to meet you with 3-4" heels on.
Me: You would want me to be towering over you?
Him: Absolutely.
Me: Hmmm, do you have an amazon fetish?
Him: Actually, yeah, a little.
Me: I bet you like Wonder Woman, don't you?
Him: Yeah, but who doesn't?
Me: That's true, I have a picture of me when I was little in Wonder Woman underoos and white go go boots. I thought I WAS Wonder Woman.
Him: Do you have any of you dressed as Wonder Woman now?
Me: Ummmm, no.
Him: That's a shame.
Me: Okay. I don't think they make underoos for adults.
Him: They should.
Me: Alrighty then.

I've always been self-conscious of my height. On the one hand, it would be pretty cool to go out with someone who loves tall women. On the other hand, I'm not into playing dress up in the boudoir...and it kind of sounds like he would want me to find a golden lasso of some sort.

Bachelor #2:

Sends me an email that says hello and asks if it would be possible for us to exchange yahoo messenger addresses. I've said before, I'll give my IM address to anyone...case in point, Monkey Boy. (Who, by the way, still messages me. He'll always say things like, "I miss you, love." I just ignore them now.) When I sent this man my yahoo thing, I did something that I never do...I didn't' look at his profile first.

So, we IM back and forth for a little bit, then I think..."Hmmm, maybe I should go check out his profile." So, there he is and he's pretty cute, but then I get to the section that says, "Most private thing I'm willing to admit." And I start reading it and this is what it says...

I'm attracted to women with ugly toenails, preferably those with toenail fungus.

yeah, that gasp that you just let out...multiply that by 100 and you will probably get my response.

Actually, he's really nice...but I'm sorry, I'm not letting my go of my pedicures and tromping around in the mud to try to catch toenail fungus for anyone!

I have a theory on fetishes...what's weird to one person is totally normal to someone else. That's why it's hard for me to answer the sex question that all men ask, "What's the weirdest thing you've ever done?" Because if I answer this, Missionary Guy might be repulsed and Adult Baby Diaper Guy might look at me and say, "That's it?"

Here's my thing, I don't care what you do behind closed doors...as long as you're not harming children, animals or the elderly, have at it and go enjoy yourself. But, baby diapers and toenail fungus, not interested...hope you find what you're looking for. Who knows, maybe I could do Wonder Woman...now where did I put my golden lasso???

Until next time...

Mandy

Karen Was Right

2010-05-13T12:15:00.002-06:00

Creepy people do live in the internet.

Remember Monkey Boy? Well, he IMed me this afternoon and this is what it said...

if you are not my angel then what is an angel means????????????? you are my angel and is for real but you dont know that you are my angel coz if you do you will tell me that you want to see me because i want to see you and hug you tell everyone that the lord use you to bless me my sweet heart for ever....i love you more

I'm at a loss for words.

Until next time...

Mandy

Home Sweet Home

2010-05-11T06:58:00.003-06:00

I'm going to discuss something today that I NEVER talk about...Credit and finances.

I've always thought that when I get married, my husband and I will buy a home with the white picket fence and the two cars in the garage. (No kids though, since the birthing process freaks me smooth out.) But, recently, I've taken a look at my life and thought, "I'm 34 years old, it's time to take matters into my own hands."

So, the other day I decided it was time to start thinking about buying either a townhome or condo. (I would rather one of these than a house as I do not have a green thumb and usually your HOA fees cover the roof, lawn maintenance, and other little things I have no desire to take care of.) I live in the Clear Lake area. For those of you not familiar with Houston, the Clear Lake area is south of Houston, I actually live down the road from NASA. In this area condos and townhomes are PLENTIFUL. So, I talked to the mortgage broker that helped The Mother get her home loan, he ran my credit, which because of stupid mistakes is not so stellar, and I found out that it's not as bad as I thought it was. It's not great, but it could be worse. Anyway, he told me that if I can raise my credit rating 30 points I should be good to go.

So, I have a new mission...get my credit in order.

I really am ready for a place for Rogen and me, somewhere that's mine. It's kind of scary, but I know I can do it.

So, here's a question for any of you out there that know anything about finance/money/credit...how hard is it to raise your score by 30 points and if you have any suggestions, I'm all ears. (Or eyes, since I'll be reading your comments.)

Until next time...

Mandy

A New Blogger

2010-05-05T21:31:00.002-06:00

I have another friend that has joined the blogosphere...

Eric Under Glass

You really need to go check out his first post, he seriously has a gift for writing.

Go take a look...I promise, you won't be disappointed.

Until next time...

Mandy

Really...Seriously...

2010-05-04T20:49:00.004-06:00

All I can say about tonight oddball is, WOW!

Let me start off by saying, I'll instant message with anyone...I don't care. Well, let me take that back, if the IM starts with, "Hey, wanna fuck?" I just ignore it and go about my business.

Tonight, I'm on my computer and I get a notification that I have a message on the online dating site that I'm on, so I go check it out. Here's what is says...

just goin thru your profile, i kinda find you interesting and would love to kno more bout you.well my name is XXXX XXXX and I'm from Bristol UK just in texas for some business i breed puppies and capuchin monkeys would love to chat with you maybe we can interact and get along

Of course he breeds monkeys, what else would he do? So, obviously, I had to find out what this was all about, so we exchange yahoo im addresses and here we go...

(My thoughts are in red.)

(This exchange was copied and pasted from yahoo messenger.)

Him: so how are you doing?

Me: I'm good...talking to a friend on the phone.

Him: ok take your time my lady
My lady, for real.
Me: It's fine. So, do you live in Houston or are you visiting?

Hin: visit my dear but am not there anymore just got back last week end

Me: you're back in England?

Him: yep am back

Greg Wood: right now am at home

Greg Wood: talking to you

Me: That's cool. I've always wanted to visit there.

Him: that will be great if you can do that
What the hell?
Me: I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Him: well i love texas so much and i wish i can stay long but i cant

Him: i ahve so many thing to do here in england

Me: Do you come here often?

Him: is my fist time delivery puppy to a family in the USA

Me: Wow, that must have been one speacial puppy.
Why would someone in TX buy a puppy from a breeder in the UK? Does the dog poop gold?
Him: to a very speacial family

Me: what kind of puppy?

Him: maltese very cute

Me: awww, those are cute. I have a pound puppy poodle mix.

Him: wow that a very sweet breed too
Last time I checked, pound puppy poodle mixes weren't on the AKC list.
Him: i sold them out

Me: yeah, i think he's a poodle bichon mix. how long were you in tx?

Him: just three days the weekend

Me: that's a really quick trip.

Him: yeah i have lots of thing to do over here that y\
Yeah, you mentioned that...what, are you "Kind of a big deal"

Me: oh really. So, where exactly do you live?

Him: I live in manchester but born in Bristol

Me: what about you

Me: I was raised in Channelview, but now I live in Seabrook...near Galveston.

Him: ok

Him: got any kids?

Him: i have a son but his a grown man and lives with his family

Me: no, and i've never been married.

Him: humm..ok\
Why is it that when I tell people I've never been married and don't have any kids I always get the hmmmm...

Him: with you want to get married some day?

Me: how old are you>

Him: 42 and you?

Me: maybe one day, I'm not willing to settle...I'm waiting for the one that will be there forever.

Me: I'm 34.

Him: me too

Him: nice age
Okay...
Me: is it?

Him: yeah

Him: so what happen to the last guy?
That's a little personal, but since he asked...here we go...
Me: the last guy dumped me for God.

Me: He said that he felt like he turned his back on God and needed to pray more.

Him: hummm..i dont understand please

Him: how is that possible

Me: I don't know, it came out of left field.

Him: left field?

Me: yeah, out of nowhere.

Him: he said he wants to become father ?

Me: no, he started going to a strange, almost cultish church...I have a feeling they told him he needed to try to work things out with his ex-wife.

Him: is not yours if he know who you are he will stay
What is up with the way he talks?
Me: yeah, looking back, I'm kind of glad it happened at 6 months and not years later.

Him: you are beautiful and i thank the lord that he lost you and i found you
Whoa, that was borderline creepy...you have no clue who I am.
Me: Ummmm, we're thousands of miles apart...

Him: but i was there last weekend and back home so it dont mater to me my dear
What the fuck does that mean? Yeah, you were here but now you're not...this guy is very odd.
Me: Okay, I'm not sure how to respond to that.

Him: is ok.. you dont have to

Me: What happened to your last girlfriend.

Me: is just that i like you and i wish we can move on and make friend then let the lord do the rest
He's bringing up the Lord an awful lot...
Him: my last gf?

Me: yeah, you asked me about my ex and now I'm asking you about yours.

Me: how do you know you know you like me...you don't even know me.

Him: i have a son a very handsome
Where did that come from?

Me: What does your son have to do with anything?

Him: his mother is late
To what?
Me: what?

Him: yes i lost her

Him: but we where not married tho

Me: as in, she passed away?

Him: yes

Him: she passed away the lord love her so much that he wants her to come over
That's one I've never heard...
Me: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Him: that is a long time now and since then i work hard to raise our son

Me: how old is your son?

Him: 29
WAIT A MINUTE!!!!
Me: how is that possible, you would have been like 13 when he was born.

Him: i was very small but with a rapid growth\
What does that even mean???
Me: Okay, well, I have to go to bed now...I have to get up early in the morning.

Yeah, I'm not sure what a rapid growth is, and I'm not sure I even want to know.

Only me, people...only me.

Until next time...

Mandy

Nothing But the Truth

2010-05-01T14:57:00.002-06:00

Latischia called me last week and told me she had forwarded my blog to one of her friends, she went on to tell me that the friend then asked her, "Did all this stuff really happen to Mandy?" She laughed and said, "Yep, I've actually been present for some of it."

Just to set the record straight, everything that appears in this little online journal is 100% true and it all happened to me.

Let's see...

There was the phone call with the guy that made me realize what a freak magnet I am.

The married friend that turned into an octopus.

The guy that was really nice, but drank entirely too much.

The time a senior citizen was willing to pay me to look at my boobs.

Me ending up in a jail cell without my glasses or shoes.

The time I fell on my boob in front of a gaggle of lesbians.

When I let Laura try to pierce me with a rusty safety pin.

When Phillip quit his job and refused to find another one.

The first time Willie referred to me as Clydesdale.

The time I nearly broke my ankle because I thought my apartment was on fire.

Dodging a Hurricane.

The evening I was mistaken for a drag queen and had to puke in a men's room.

The old guy that tried to impress me with his boats, corvettes and acreage.

The night I got beat in the face with stripper boobs.

When I was "Creepy Girl"

Dealing with a big bunch of douche bags in Louisiana.

When I got caught with my skirt up.

The night I took a ride around downtown Houston in a hatchback, all so my friend could get laid.

When I got dumped for God.

and finally...The guy with the diapers.

After going back and reading all these posts, I can see where someone might be like, "Bless her heart."

Welcome, my new reader, I have a feeling things won't change...you're in for a treat. :)

Until next time...

Mandy

Another One Bites the Dust

2010-04-29T08:42:00.004-06:00

I've mentioned before that I've thrown myself back into the world of internet dating. And, for you long time readers, you know that nothing good comes from my dates...well, not good for me, great for y'all because you get to laugh at my misfortune (which I wouldn't have any other way) and if you have a significant other, it makes you look at them and thank the baby Jesus that you're not me.

I went out with this guy last Thursday and he seemed nice enough, but there really wasn't any chemistry. There were no butterflies, no hoping he kissed me at the end of the night and not really any laughing...and y'all know me, there has to be laughing. Oh, and one important factor that I can't leave out...in his profile picture he had a goatee, we talked on the phone a couple of times and I agreed to go out with him then he dropped the bomb on me...I recently switched jobs and the plant I work in now doesn't allow beards so now I have a...wait for it...MUSTACHE! Yes, this man has a stand alone. What could I do, I had already agreed to go out with him, I couldn't say, "Sorry, a womb broom is a deal breaker." (I'm not totally shallow.) I did make the comment that only certain people could pull off the stand alone...like Magnum P.I. or Sam Elliott or Paw Paw...the rest of the world either looks ridiculous or like a porn star. When we met at the restaurant he looked at me and asked, "So, what do you think of the stand alone." To which I replied..."Well, it's a little porny." SERIOUSLY, WHO HAS A STAND ALONE!

I talked to my mom and several friends about it and said, "I don't know if I'm going to go out with him again." And every single one of them said, "Mandy, you can't make a decision after one date, you need to go out with him at least one more time." And my answer would always be the same..."But he has a womb broom!" And they all said, "You can probably convince him to shave it off." So, I agree to go see a band that one of his friends is in this Saturday...that was before last nights conversation.

Somehow the conversation turned to dogs, I was probably talking about Rogen or something.

Him: I used to train dogs.
Me: Oh really?
Him: Yeah, I used to train pitbulls how to fight.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Yeah.
Me: That is probably one of the most horrible things I've ever heard.
Him: What? Why? I was just a kid.
Me: Define kid.
Him: 16-21
Me: That's hardly a kid...you were old enough to know better.
Him: It's part of the culture.
Me: What culture?
Him: You know.
(He's half hispanic, that's the only thing I can figure out with the whole culture argument.)
Me: I don't give a fuck, it's wrong.
Him: It's not like we were Michael Vick and drowning dogs in the back.
At this point, I'm sitting with my mouth hanging open...I was in such disbelief that I couldn't even form words.
Him: Are you still there?
Me: Yeah, I just can't believe you trained dogs to fight.
Him: It's no big deal...it's just a sport, like boxing.
Me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! People who make pitbulls fight are the lowest form of human beings. And this whole comparing the dogs to boxers is ridiculous...Boxers have free will, if they don't want to fight, they don't have to. Nothing is going to happen to them if they say no to a fight. If a dog does bad in a fight, the owner kills them. Those people are pieces of shit!
Him: Hey, I had a friend who got 10 years probation and then they put his dog to sleep.
Me: THEY SHOULD HAVE PUT THAT BASTARD TO SLEEP...OR BETTER YET, PUT HIM IN THE RING WITH A COUPLE OF THE DOGS THAT YOU BASTARDS TRAINED.
Him: It's in my past, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not going to apologize to you for something I did over 20 years ago.
Me: I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO APOLOGIZE TO ME, WHAT BOTHERS ME IS THAT YOU DON'T SEEM TO REGRET DOING IT OR HAVE ANY REMORSE.
Him: Why should I, do you regret or feel bad about things you did in the past?
Me: I've never intentionally harmed another living creature!
Him: Like I said, it's part of the culture.
Me: You know, female circumcisions are also acceptable in certain cultures...THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT!
Him: Don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?
Me: No, I really don't think I am...I'm very much a live and let live person with two exceptions...I don't' care what you do as long as it doesn't harm children or animals. AND YOU HARMED ANIMALS!
Him: I told you, I'm not apologizing.
Me: I gotta go.
Him: Okay, I'll call you tomorrow.
Me: Bye - Click.

I don't think I'm being ridiculous at all...if he thinks this is okay, what else does he think is okay?

Yeah, I really don't see me going out with that bastard again. Seriously, who thinks it's okay to fight dogs!

Just goes to show you...unless you're Magnum P.I. or Paw Paw you should never trust someone with a stand alone, they're either porn stars, pedos or dog fighters.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Received an Invitation for a Pity Party, and I RSVP'ed YES!

2010-04-22T07:02:00.002-06:00

Tuesday night, I sat down to watch The Biggest Loser. This is the first season I've ever watched of this program, but it gets me every episode. My eyes end up misting at least once every show, but Tuesday night was ridiculous...I had a total emotional meltdown.

Here's how it went...

I was sitting on my couch, eating tamales watching The Biggest Loser...apparently, I missed that O'Neal's brother passed away sometime during the taping of the show. During the last chance workout, he started to flip the eff out, beating on a machine, nearly hitting Jillian and he started crying uncontrollably. So, of course, I start crying...and I don't mean just misting up and one single tear rolls down my cheek, I'm talking sobbing, snotting, boo hoo crying. Then I start thinking, these people are up off their asses losing 100+ pounds, what's wrong with me, why can't I motivate myself to do something...I don't even like getting up off butt to walk The Wonder Pup.

Then it morphs into...

My friends suck! I'm always there for them. They call, I come...I don't have anyone that would just come over if I was sad. (Nevermind the fact that most of them have kids and can't just drop everything and drive to my house.) Why am I always the one that makes sacrifices for them? No one cares. *Sob, snot, boo hoo*

And then that morphs into...

No one is ever going to love me. I'm going to be old and alone! I might as well buy 57 cats, so I can go ahead and become that crazy cat lady that everyone already thinks I'm going to become...maybe I should buy a couple of muumuus also. I'm going to die in this tiny shoe box of an apartment, and no one will even realize it until the stench of my rotting corpse floats out onto my balcony. And then when they find me, I won't even be able to have an open casket because Rogen and the 57 cats will have eaten my face because they were hungry. *Sob, snot, boo hoo*

So, I decided to take a shower and when I looked in the mirror I thought, "I am old and alone...look at all the gray hair, and is that crows feet!?!?!? Oh my God!" *Sob, snot, boo hoo*

It was so pitiful, I was annoying myself. Once I got out of the shower, I called my friend Kathryn and she talked me off the ledge. She assured me she has gone through the same thing, so that made me feel a little less nutty.

I really think it had more to do with PMS rearing it's ugly head.

Until next time...

Mandy

Mandy-isms

2010-03-30T06:54:00.005-06:00

I have coined a couple of new phrases that have become quite popular with my friends.

Unicorn
Nubicorn
Donkicorn

First, we'll start off with the unicorn

A unicorn, as you all know, is a mythical animal generally depicted with the body and head of a horse, the hind legs of a stag, the tail of a lion, and a single horn in the middle of the forehead. That's the definition in Merriam-Webster. Here's my definition...

A unicorn is a man that is a genuinely nice guy. He's the guy that opens doors, lights cigarettes, and calls or texts you just to say hi. The guy that will take the trash out without you having to ask him. The guy that remembers to put the seat down. The one that places his hand in the small of your back to lead you through a crowded room. The man that will just start rubbing your back for no reason. The guy that will get what you need off the top shelf. A guy that will ask you before you leave, "Is your phone charged?" and "Be careful, call me when you get there." The one that wants to take care of you, not because you need them to but because they want to. The guy that holds your hand or lightly strokes your leg when you're just sitting on the couch watching TV. A man that, although he might not like your friends, he accepts them. Someone who appreciates the nice things his girlfriend/wife/significant other does for him and does not come to expect it. A guy that on the first date doesn't automatically assume that because he bought you dinner/drinks/movie that you are going to sleep with him. And when you do finally sleep with him, he's more concerned with your satisfaction than his own. A guy that can look at you and tell you that you're beautiful even when you first wake up. A man that has his own opinions and respects that you have yours and never degrades or belittles you if your opinions differ from theirs. Someone who won't cheat on you. A man that loves you, not despite, but because of your dorkiness, weird quirks and flaws.

I call these men unicorns, because I think they're mythical...you always hear about them, but have you actually seen them? I thought I saw one once or twice but they ended up either being a nubicorn or a donkicorn.

A nubicorn is almost a unicorn, his horn just hasn't grown in all the way. He's a nice guy, but he falls short in some of the other categories. He might be nice to you, but he's rude to others. Maybe he treats you like gold but is rude to your dog/cat/fish. Or, he's great to you, but he refuses to go around your friends or family. A nubicorn has the potential of turning into a unicorn, but for the most part they usually turn into a donkicorn.

A donkicorn is just a donkey with a strange head growth. They aren't mythical, but they are magical. He's the guy that knows exactly what to say or do when he first meets you to make you think he's this super nice guy (i.e. a unicorn), but then he does something that makes you realize that he's not a unicorn, he's not even a nubicorn, he's just a plain, old jackass. He'll tell you things like, "Wow, I've never been able to open up to a woman like I can with you." or "I've never been as comfortable with anyone else as I am with you." or "I can't wait to see you again." And, of course, it's all crap. They don't mean any of it. Usually, they tell you this stuff on the first date and if you don't automatically strip and mount them, they just move onto the next unsuspecting unicorn hunter. They jump from girl to girl until they find one that hasn't been screwed over by that many donkicorns, and usually they'll date you for a couple of months but then he gets bored and decides to end it or cheat on the girlfriend so she'll end it with him or, take the really crappy route, and just never call or answer calls again. Here are some of the lame excuses a donkicorn might use...

It's not you, it's me.
I'm just not ready for a relationship right now.
You were the first person I went out with after I split with my wife.
I cheated on you because you've put on weight.
I feel like I've turned my back on God, so I can't see you anymore.

Yes, these are all excuses that Donkicorns have given me. Their magic is powerful, but it only lasts a short while. Once the magic fades away, and you're looking at that jackass with that bizarre bump on his head...kick him in the junk and run away!

Until next time...

Mandy

Aaaand, Here We Go Again

2010-03-22T10:57:00.003-06:00

I was looking at my calendar today and realized I have a little over 6 months before I have to be the MOH in Latischia's wedding. That's when I thought to myself, "Okay, Mandy, it's time to get back on track...you had your mourning period complete with mass quantities of ice cream, fried food and other artery hardening indulgences, but enough is enough. You need to visit Jillian again."

So there you have it, I'm going to start the THIRTY DAY SHRED again. I probably won't blog about it every day, but I will keep y'all posted on my progress.

Until next time...

Mandy

What?

2010-03-11T21:11:00.003-06:00

As you all know, I got dumped for Jesus a couple of weeks ago. The week after the dumping happened I went and hung out with my friends, Shawn and Brian. I was in a funk, feeling sorry for myself and thinking ridiculous things like...

There is something wrong with me.
I drive people away.
Maybe things would have been different if I spoke Spanish.
He wouldn't have left if I had been thinner.
It's because I'm so tall! I can only imagine what I look like when I walk in a bar...I probably look like Godzilla about to take out a small village in Tokyo! (Yes, this sentence actually came out of my mouth.)

That's when Shawn and Brian said to me..."Mandy, fuck him! He wasn't good enough for you, obviously, because if he was he wouldn't have left you."

So, when I got home, I thought to myself, "Yeah, fuck him!" So, I joined a dating website...it's the same website that my friend met her boyfriend. And you know what I've come to realize...I am a FREAK MAGNET!

On this website, when you're logged in, random people can IM you. And for some reason, the majority of the men that have contacted me think it's perfectly acceptable to ask me for sex two sentences into our conversation. Guys, this is not hot or sexy! But tonight's freak took the cake...

Guy: Hey, you're cute.
Me: Thanks.
Guy: How are you
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH NOT IMPORTANT
Guy: So, we live in the same area.
Me: Yeah, I guess so.
Guy: Do you want to go out sometime?
Me: I don't know, I haven't even talked to you yet.
Guy: Well, would you mind if I was totally submissive?
Me: Umm, excuse me, what do you mean?
Guy: Would you mind being my personal dominatrix?
Me: Wow, that's the first time I've ever been asked that. Is there something about me that looks like a dom?
Guy: No, not really, but you live so close.
Me: Ummm, no, I don't think I would be okay with that.
Guy: There wouldn't be anything sexual, you could put me in a nice collar and lead me around.
Me: Ummm, no, I don't think I would want to do that.
Guy: I'm not only into BDSM, I also like ABDL.
Me: Okay, I don't know what ABDL is.
Guy: Adult Baby Diaper Lover.
Me: Okay, that's it, I've got to go.

Now that I'm single again, y'all are in for a treat...weirdos, freaks and losers. If you have a significant other, go give them a hug.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Didn't See That Coming

2010-03-03T08:33:00.003-06:00

I should have, but I didn't.

I'm sure you've noticed my lack of posts the past week. I've been in a funk for the past week and a half because The Guy and I are no longer seeing each other.

That's right, I've been dumped and when you read the reasoning behind, said dumping, you will understand my state of disbelief.

Here, let me walk you through it...

The Guy and I had a routine...his daughter and her mother live right down the road from me, so when he dropped his daughter off on Sunday evenings he would come straight to my house and stay with me. So, Sunday, February 21 I spoke with him at 5:15p.

Me: Can't wait to see you tonight.
Him: Yeah, I can't stay tonight, but I'm going to come see you for a little bit.
Me: Oh, you're not, why?
Him: I just have some stuff to do at the house.
Me: OK.
Him: Well, let me finish up here and I'll see you in a little bit.
Me: OK

Fast forward to 5:50pm...he calls.

Him: I can't stop by tonight, I have my nephew with me.
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah, but I'm definitely coming over there tomorrow.
Me: OK, whatever.
Him: I'll call you when I get home.
Me: OK.

Now, once we got off the phone, I knew something was off...fast forward to 8:00pm, the phone rings.

Him: Hey, how mad are you?
Me: I don't know, why do you think I'm mad?
Him: Because I blew you off.
Me: That's a pretty good reason, don't you think?
Him: (sounding shitty) I wasn't going to tell my nephew he couldn't come!
Me: Whatever.
Him: Do you want me to just talk to you tomorrow.
Me: No, I want you to tell me what the hell is going on.
Him: I really wanted to talk to you about this face to face tomorrow.
Me: Oh no, I think we need to talk about this right now.
Him: For the past week I've felt like I'm dying inside.
Me: What?
Him: I feel like I've turned my back on God.
Me: Excuse me?
Him: I just think that I need to pray more.
Me: OK.
Him: I feel like an adulterer and think it's best if I devote my life to the Lord.
At this point, I'm pretty quiet because I can't believe what I'm hearing.
Me: So, let me get this straight, you feel as if I've made you turn your back on God?
Him: No, I just think I need to spend more time in church.
Me: So, are you saying you don't want to see me anymore?
Him: I don't know what I want. I'm confused.

More talking

Him: I just don't know what to say.
Me: Well, when you figure it out, why don't you give me a call.

So, there you have it. I was dumped for God...how can you compete with The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit?

And you know, I should have seen it coming. He started going to this church after the first of the year and I noticed he was getting a little more Christian Fundamentalist after each Sunday, but two weeks prior to the dumping he had gotten REALLY bad. He made comments about how he wanted to teach abstinence only to his daughter, which I told him probably wasn't the best thing...sure, tell her the best thing to do is practice abstinence, but you might also want to educate her on safe sex...just in case. All of the sudden he had a massive case of homophobia, which in my opinion is the dumbest kind of phobia, he said things like "It's against God's will." I honestly thought this was just a really strange phase, but the more he said the more I started to think, 'If this phase doesn't end soon, we might have to end soon."

When I told my friend, Shawn, about what had happened he asked me what church he went to and when I told him the name he said, "Oh my God, that's the church that my friend's parents started going to, they brainwash people!" So, after hearing this bit of information I decided to some research on his church...I found out it is an 800 member church and found out that the doctrine they teach is considered by a lot of theologians to be somewhat of a cult. Then, I came across a newspaper article from 2008 that was about a youth minister that had just confessed to a murder that was committed in 1994 when he was 16 years old. Here are some quotes from that article...

He's a hero, really," said Kelley 24. "I don't know how many people would do what he did. The Bible says you just need to confess to God. Calvin took an extra step.

Inman's arrest should be a lesson in integrity, rather than a sinful scandal, many worshippers said.

To lock him away someplace and say he owes it to society is robbing the next generation of a mentor.

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand forgiving people is what your supposed to do, but apparently, this church talks about how homosexuality and premarital sex are horrible...but you can stab a guy in the chest and you want him to minister your youth? I don't get it.

So, it's probably best that this happened now.

Until next time...

Mandy

Day 5 of 30

2010-02-19T18:09:00.001-06:00

I decided that I would weigh and measure every Friday...I would rather do that on Fridays rather than Mondays because Friday is before the weekend when you are more likely to drink and eat things that probably aren't the best choices in the world.

So, I got home this evening, but on my boxer shorts and tank, pulled out my measuring tape then stepped on the scale and you know what I found out...

Apparently, Jillian knows what she's doing.

Weight: -3.8 lbs
Bust: 0
Waist: 0
Hips: -.5"
Thigh: - 1.5"
Arm: -1.5"

I couldn't believe in just 5 days I had actually lost weight and inches! Especially since I haven't really modified my diet all that much. I've tried to make better choices...I went to Wendy's the other day and ordered the Grilled Chicken Sandwich and substituted the french fries with a side salad, but I've also had Mexican food and donut holes.

After 5 days the workout still hurts, although, it's getting a little bit easier day by day.

These results have made me excited to continue this challenge, hopefully next week I can report more body reductions!

Until next time...

Mandy

Day 4 of 30

2010-02-18T21:13:00.002-06:00

Didn't want to do it, did it anyway...YAY ME!

Can't write much...The Guy (I tend to call him the boyfriend-type person) is here and we're watching the Olympics.

Until next time...

Mandy

Day 3 of 30

2010-02-17T22:01:00.003-06:00

I really didn't want to workout tonight. This is usually what happens when I start working out, I do it for a couple of days and then I'm like screw it, I want to sit on my couch, watch TV and eat some cheetos. But, I didn't do that. I made myself put on my workout wear...boxer shorts (the best thing about doing workout videos), tank top and tennis shoes. I turned on my TV and DVD player and Jillian and I started working out. Like I've said before, this video is only 20 minutes long...

Warm up
6 minutes of strength training
2 minutes of cardio
1 minute of abs
Repeat 3 times
Cool Down

So, about halfway through I look at the clock and think to myself...ok, you can do this, just 10 more minutes.

In just three workouts I have come to realize there are some pros and cons of trying to workout in your home

Pros:
1. I can wear boxer shorts and no one sees me.
2. I don't have an audience watching me sweat and breathe like James Gandolfini.
3. I can immediately collapse on my big, comfy couch.
4. I don't have to change clothes or shower in a communal locker room.

Cons:
1. My apartment sits 6' off the ground, so when I jump it makes everything vibrate.
2. My apartment is approximately the size of a shoebox, so I have to rearrange my living room every time I want to work out.
3. When I do jumping jacks or simulate jumping rope, I have to make sure Rogen isn't in the way...I would hate to squish him in my quest for fitness.
4. When I lay on the floor to do the ab sections, Rogen thinks this is the optimum time to lick my face, arms, and hands. So, while I'm trying to catch my breath and do crunches, I'm also saying, "No, Rogen." "Quit licking, Rogen." "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...GO GET ON THE COUCH, ROGEN!" And then I feel bad for yelling at my little boy.

So far, three days in I'm pretty sore, but I also feel pretty good.

27 more days to go!

Until next time...

Mandy

Day 2 of 30

2010-02-16T19:58:00.002-06:00

Day 2 hurts! That's all I really have to say about tonight's workout.

I do want to say, I really like this Jillian Michaels person. I have never seen The Biggest Loser, I have heard that she's really mean, almost bitchy. You know what I like about her...she tells it like it is. She doesn't try to make working out sound light and fluffy.

She says things like...

I know it hurts, but work through it that's when your body is changing.

You're fine, you can do it.

You can't get great abs by doing 5 crunches and stopping!

I appreciate her straight forward honesty.

Thank you Jillian...if I'm not dead after the next 28 days, I just might buy another one of your DVDs!

Until next time...

Mandy

Day 1 of 30

2010-02-15T19:41:00.002-06:00

Last week I posted that I was challenging myself to workout for at least 30 minutes a day for 30 days.

Saturday, I was out with Latischia looking at Bridesmaid dresses and tasting cakes. I told her about my quest for fitness and that is when she told me that she had been doing this workout video by Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser, called The Thirty Day Shred. I thought to myself, that sounds perfect! The only problem, the video is only 20 minutes with a two minute warm up and two minute cool down. I thought to myself, "Fuck it, it's my challenge...if I want to change it a bit, it's totally fine." So, my challenge now is to complete 30 days of level one of The Thirty Day Shred.

Last night I went and bought a scale for my home and the video.

When I got home this evening I stepped on the scale and I think I heard it go AHHHHHH! Then I took my measurements

Weight: A LOT!
Bust: Pretty Big
Waist: Not small, although smaller than my waist and hips.
Thigh: Roughly the size of a tree trunk.
Hips: GIGUNDO!

I popped the DVD in and started my first workout. All I have to say is, Jillian Michaels is Evil! My legs are a little shaky, my arms feel like noodles, and who knew that I had abdominal muscles.

Day 1 down, 29 more days to go.

Until next time...

Mandy

A Challenge

2010-02-09T09:56:00.003-06:00

I have recently been reading a blog written by a girl I went to high school with. Actually, we started out in preschool together. Just like so many classmates, we lost touch until the advent of myspace and facebook. We don't regularly comment on each other's posts , but one day I saw that she posted a link to a new blog she started called 30 Minutes for 30 Days. I thought to myself, "Wow, that's awesome! Maybe I should try that." So, that is what I intend to do.

Starting Monday, February 15, 2010, I will start my 30 in 30. I plan on following her same plan...

30 minutes of exercise a day for 30 days straight, and if I miss a workout, I will make it up with an added 2 days to the challenge.

I've stated here before that I hate, loathe and detest working out, so this is a huge challenge for me. What normally happens is I start, go about 2 days then I'm all...Fuck a big, bunch of this, I'm needing some couch time! So, I plan on posting a blog after every workout, just to keep me honest. You know they say it takes 21 days to form a habit, so you never know, maybe this will be the beginning of a new thing for me. (It could happen, I doubt it, but it could.)

Wish me luck!

Until next time...

Mandy

Anonymous

2010-02-08T08:04:00.002-06:00

I love blogging. Really I do. It's hard to tell here lately, because there has been lulls between my posts. And, like most bloggers, I LOVE getting comments. I like hearing other people's point of view, especially when they differ from my own. I even like the mean, anonymous comments. Usually they just make me laugh. But none have made me laugh harder than the comments on a post from a year ago...Swagga Like Us.

I'm not sure if y'all remember this post or not, but basically it was the lyrics to this song and my thoughts and questions regarding the wording. I haven't posted anything since that has made people that I don't know so mad. Here are the three comments...

Rico said...
Dude, you got far too much time on your hands.Jealousy is a cruel possession to hold. Don't be hating on these Rap stars with a better lifestyle than you could dream up.Get off the internet and do something with yourself whilst you still have time.Peace.
April 8, 2009 4:39 PM

Here is my response to Rico.

Amanda said...
First of all, Rico, I'm not "hating" on anyone. As for having too much time on my hands...you, apparently, had time to read the whole post and leave me a comment. (Thanks for the comment, by the way.) This post was mostly satire. But, the lyrics make no sense. If they make sense to you, please explain it to me. When I say I HATE Kanye West, that is based on his rants about how he should have won awards, George W. Bush hates black people, etc...Lil Wayne, sorry, not impressed with him either. And, as far as lifestyle, I'm pretty happy with my life. I have said this before, this is my blog, if you don't like what I have to say, please don't visit again. My opinion of this song...IT SUCKS!Peace, dude.
April 8, 2009 5:24 PM

Anonymous said...
girl u fucking dumb he means pilgrims because they travel to places and he's saying he's christopher columbus cuz he descovered it meaning he created swagg and who da fuck are you to judge this song if u cant understand it shut up but dont bitch about !!!! fuck i hate when ppl comment on other peoples song why dont you try doing it ohhh and by the way hip hop is based on the hood and in the hood ayo is a word u dumb fuck
May 26, 2009 10:40 PM

Anonymous said...
wow.!!!(u pissing me dah fuk off( that means im mad) if u dont like diz sonq, dont listen 2 it.. y u correctin their grammer ..u an ass!!! rapperz arent stupid..hello!!! dey juz talk like dat cuz dey feel like it, in dah hood we dont give uh fuck so juz stick 2 ur country or rock music u white dumb bitch!!!
February 7, 2010 9:37 PM

All I have to say is WOW! Like I stated in my response to Rico, this post was mainly satirical. As most of you know from most of my posts I make fun of everything, mainly myself. When I posted this particular blog, I had no idea that it would be so controversial. I am making no apologies for posting this particular blog...I just thought y'all would find it as amusing as I did.

You know what I don't understand...all of these people are pissed off that I was making fun of the way these gentlemen speak. But, you know what, I have a very thick southern accent...people make fun of the way I speak all the time. I don't get upset and tell people to fuck off. People are just too sensitive.

So, here's a big THANK YOU! to all my people that comment...even the anonymous ones that are calling me a stupid white bitch. Y'all all bring a smile to my face.

Until next time...

Mandy

My Anaconda Don't Want None...

2010-02-05T12:21:00.008-06:00

I have a big butt. I've always had a big butt. I've come to grips with the fact that I will never have the cute, little, heart-shaped, white girl butt. The one good thing I will say about my butt is that it is more bubble than wide. Friends in school would always joke that they could balance a coke can on my ass when I was standing up.

Here is a picture for proof that I have always had a round ass.

<------See right there, that is not my skirt in motion...my ass is making it poke out like that.

This picture, as you can see, was taken in 1994, my senior year in high school. This is the best shape I have ever been in. And, if you notice, I was not a little girl. I have ALWAYS been curvy.

Now, on to my point... Wednesday night, I was at The Guy's house after work. We were in his bedroom, laying on his bed. The bedroom door was open so there was light shining in, creating shadows of us on the wall. I was laying on my stomach and for some reason turned my head to the left and caught a glimpse of my butt shadow...

Mandy: OH MY GOD! MY BUTT IS THAT BIG!

The Guy: You've got a pretty big butt.

Mandy: I knew that it was big, but I had no idea it was that gigundo!

The Guy: I like your butt.

Mandy: It looks like Mount Everest!

The Guy: Shadows make everything look bigger, (holding up is hand) look how big my hand looks.

Mandy: Seriously, it looks like my ass should have a snow cap!

The Guy brings his hand down and slaps me on the ass.

Mandy: OH MY GOD...NOW IT LOOKS LIKE A JELLO JIGGLER MOLD OF MT. EVEREST!

The Guy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Looks like it's time to get my ass working out again. BLECHHH!

Until next time...

Mandy

A beautifully woven thread

2010-02-02T08:13:00.003-06:00

I thought I would post my facebook status from yesterday and the thread that followed. Pretty funny stuff!

Amanda: was reading an article on the many uses of Bag Balm and has decided that "salve" and "ointment" are two of the grossest sounding words ever. They're not as bad as fart, which is the most disgusting word ever, but they're pretty close!
Yesterday at 12:22pm Only Friends · Comment ·LikeUnlike

Khon: You said fart. Hehehe...
Yesterday at 12:37pm ·

Richard: Fart, Fart, Fart! Lmao
Yesterday at 12:44pm ·

Amanda: I NEVER use that word. It's ugly and tacky.
Yesterday at 12:52pm ·

Khon: what word?
Yesterday at 12:54pm ·

Amanda: You know what word. :P
Yesterday at 12:56pm ·

Khon: Oh, the word that Richard said three times! Hehehehe....
Yesterday at 1:06pm ·

Amanda: That would be the one! I don't know why it bothers me so much. I think it has something to do with when I was growing up we were not allowed to say it because it was an "ugly, tacky word." Whenever anyone says it around me I just cringe.
Yesterday at 1:10pm ·

Khon: Flagellations makes people laugh. :)
Yesterday at 1:18pm ·

Amanda: Not me...Toilet humor makes me sad. :(
Yesterday at 1:24pm ·

Jerry: Fart, Fart, Fart, Fart, Fart, Fart.
Yesterday at 1:38pm ·

Khon: Tehehehe...
Yesterday at 1:42pm ·

Jerry: Does ripping ass sound better??
Yesterday at 1:43pm ·

Amanda: Jerry Wayne, you're gross! Why do you feel the need to torment me???
Yesterday at 1:47pm ·

Jerry: Just asking a simple question
Yesterday at 1:48pm ·

Khon: Y'all are cracking me up! I'm sorry Amanda.
Yesterday at 1:49pm ·

Richard: That's a good one JW!
Yesterday at 1:50pm ·

Jerry: Fart: The sound of a turd honking for the right of way.....
Yesterday at 1:51pm ·

Richard: Roflmao!
Yesterday at 1:53pm ·

Amanda: I'm about to go all Nancy Kerrigan on you...WHHHHHYYYYYY!!!
Yesterday at 1:54pm ·

Jerry: Salve: The ointment used to relieve the the irritation of problematic farting.
Yesterday at 1:55pm ·

Amanda: The word turd is just as gross. Why are boys so easily amused with bodily functions? I don't get it.
Yesterday at 1:55pm ·

Khon: OMG Jerry, you're suicidal! LOL!
Yesterday at 1:59pm ·

Amanda: Thank you, Jerry. You single handedly used three of the most disgusting sounding words in one sentence. Impressive my friend!
Yesterday at 2:00pm ·

Jerry: I am here to help
Yesterday at 2:01pm ·

Eric: how about the word moist?? M O I S T
Yesterday at 2:09pm ·

Amanda: Oddly enough, moist doesn't bother me.
Yesterday at 2:11pm ·

Amanda: Let me rephrase that last comment...Moist by itself doesn't bother me; however, moist used in conjunction with Fart, Turd, Salve or Ointment just makes the grossness of those words multiply by 10.
Yesterday at 2:15pm ·

Khon: Hahahaha!
Yesterday at 2:18pm ·

Eric: so, a moist turd, a moist fart, an moist salve, and an über-moist ointment walk into a bar....
Yesterday at 2:31pm ·

Khon: I hope they don't walk into my bar!
Yesterday at 2:35pm ·

Amanda: Thank you, Eric. I am now dry heaving. :P
Yesterday at 2:36pm ·

Eric: it was the ümlaut wasn't it? It tends to trigger the gag reflex.
Yesterday at 2:53pm ·

Amanda: Exactly, although, I don't think uber is used quite enough!
Yesterday at 2:57pm ·

David: I don't know but the word dribble always makes me laugh. mucus, flem, pus, nose fruit, those are disturbing.
Yesterday at 7:49pm ·

Amanda: Thank you for those mental images, Uncle David! If anyone could outgross Jerry and Eric, I knew it would be you!
Yesterday at 8:08pm ·

Khon: You have woven a mighty fine thread young lady.
Yesterday at 8:09pm ·

Amanda: Ya know, Khon, I do what I can. I'm glad I could entertain you boys today!
Yesterday at 8:10pm ·

Terra: thank you for the entertainment. I think i just pissed my pants laughing!!!!!!!
10 hours ago ·

Bronson: ha ha - you almost had me until you said "reading"
8 hours ago ·

Bronson: FART
8 hours ago ·

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times...BOYS ARE GROSS!

Until next time...

Mandy

Art is not always pretty

2010-02-01T08:09:00.002-06:00

Wednesday night, I went Krogering at my neighborhood Kroger grocery store. I went in and picked up a few things and as I was walking out, I noticed something on the side of my car. Let me first tell you that my car is FILTHY! Seriously, I washed my car once and Terra looked at it and said, "Your car is gray!?!? I always thought it was brown." And she wasn't being sarcastic, it was just that dirty. The inside isn't much better. Anyway, back to my story...

I walked up to my vehicle and some jackass wrote in the grime, "Wash Me." I had been at The Guy's house earlier that evening, so I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, "ha ha, very funny, honey." Then as I was getting in my car, I noticed something on the hood. At first glance it looked like someone had drawn a heart in the dirt and grime. I thought to myself, "Awww, how sweet, he used the dirt to say something nice." Upon further inspection, I realized...no, this isn't a heart...THAT'S A PENIS! AND A MISSHAPEN PENIS AT THAT! So, I picked up my phone and called the guy...

Me: Before I totally lose my shit, I need to ask you a question.
The Guy: OK, what?
Me: Did you happen to write wash me on the door of my car and then draw a weird looking penis on the hood?
The Guy: Uhhh, no, why?
Me: Because that's what I found on my vehicle when I walked out of Kroger.
The Guy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Me: It's not funny...why would someone draw on a complete stranger's car?
The Guy: HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA...
Me: Ugghhh, whatever!

I would never touch someone else's car, let alone someone that I didn't know. It was probably some jackass teenager.

Until next time...

Mandy

Just get on and sit down!!!

2010-01-12T07:41:00.002-06:00

When I drive to work in the mornings I have to drive through Channleview. Which, as most of you know, it the town I grew up in.

Let me tell you a little about "The View"...Channelview is a lower middle class area, sure, there are some people with money but those are usually families whose dads have worked at the chemical plant for 20+ years. I remember when I was growing up, there were a couple of people I went to school with whose fathers were executives, but for the most part everyone else's parents were working class. The majority of Channelview is non-deed restricted, which means you could have a $250,000 home and someone could buy the property next to yours and build a trailer park, and there is nothing you can do about it. Over the years, more and more trailer parks have popped up around the Channelview area. Which is fine, I don't care if you live in a trailer! In a trailer park, for those of you who have never seen or been to one, you can have as few as 5 trailers or as many as 30, depending on how big the piece of property is. So, if you have a trailer park with 20 trailers, more likely than not, you are going to have A LOT of children living in said trailer park. That brings me to what I want to bitch about this morning. I think there should be bus stop rules!

1. If there are two trailer parks located right next to each other, combine the kids at one entrance.
(This morning I was behind a school bus that stopped at one park and picked up about 12 kids, then as soon as she closed the bus door her yellow lights came back on and drove about 10 feet to the next park and picked up another 10 kids. Why is this necessary...combine the kids and get moving, I need to get to work!)

2. When you see the bus at the end of the street, start hugging your kids goodbye and telling them to have a good day before it stops at your residence.
(So, you have a cluster of kindergarten age children and every one of them has a mother waiting with them, which I get, you don't want a 5 year old running into the street...why do you wait to hug and kiss your child when the bus stops making all 10 of the cars behind the bus wait 5 minutes for you to tell your kid you love them. Seriously, you see the bus...hug your kid. It's not hard, I need to get to work.)

3. After you have all met at one location, you've seen the bus, hugged your kid, start lining the kids up, that way getting the kids on the bus is more efficient.
(Seriously, 22 kids in a cluster can't all board the bus at the same time. Put them in a line so they can get on the bus and I can get to work!)

4. You know what time the bus gets there, be standing in the line with the rest of the kids.
(Every morning I have to wait even longer because there is a mother and a child running from the last slot in the trailer park and the bus sits there. You're not there, you get left...that's how it was when I was riding a bus.)

5. Once the kid is on the bus, tell them to find a seat and sit down.
(Get on the bus and walk towards the back until you see an empty seat and sit down. I don't care if you don't that kid, make a new friend, read a book, whatever...just hurry up because I need to get to work!)

If they would follow these easy rules, it would probably knock about 15 minutes off my commute.

Until next time...

Mandy

2010: New Year, New Mandy

2010-01-04T07:39:00.002-06:00

Here we are, a new year and a new decade and if you are a conspiracy theorist...only two years left of Mayan calender and two years away from THE APOCALYPSE! :P

I started this blog on January 1, 2007, and every year since I have listed the things that I want to accomplish for the upcoming year. Some things, I've accomplished and others I've let go of by the second week of January. I want to become a better person. I want to let go of things that I haven't been able to let go of in the past. I want to be able to appreciate the things I have and not dwell on the things I don't.

So, with that being said, here's my list of New Year's making Mandy better...

1. Lose weight - This is on the list every year. And, this is one of the things that I always give up on after a couple of weeks. Here's the problem, I LOVE FOOD! Seriously, food makes me happy. I think I have always used food as something to fill whatever void I have in my life at the time. I have to change my mindset. I can't keep looking at food as a crutch to get me through life's little hiccups. Also, my friend Latischia got engaged over the Christmas holiday and she asked me to be her Maid of Honor. And not to sound cheesy, but I do feel honored. I have done research on what my duties include...and wow, there are a lot. I have added one to my list and that is to lose weight before I have to stand next to her in a bridesmaid dress. I don't want look like Violet Beauregarde in all of her wedding pictures. Her wedding is in October, so I figure if I can lose 5 lbs. per month, that will be a total loss of 50 lbs by her wedding. I think this is a reasonable and attainable goal. When I'm done with this post, I will go directly to the Weight Watchers website and find a meeting close to my home. Weight Watchers has always worked in the past, so why not try it again!

2. Get back to church - In 2008, I was going to church regularly, and you know what, I felt better. And, I figure if the Apocalypse is coming in 2012 I probably need to get right with Jesus. (I'm kidding, I don't really believe the world is going to come to an end in 2012.)

3. Be patient - This is a big one for me. I'm one of the most impatient people in the world. I think that's probably why weight loss irritates me so much...if weight doesn't just fall off me, then I'm like, "Fuck it, it's not working." I've been working on the whole "patience is a virtue" thing and slowly but surely I think I'm starting to relax and accept that things will happen I just have to give them time. I was talking to Terra yesterday, and she was telling me about some issues she was having with her boyfriend and I told her that she and I both need to exercise a little patience, that things will happen when they are supposed to happen and that we both need to recognize the little things that our guys do, because the little things add up to bigger things. I've started to step back and take notice of the little things that The Guy does, things that he does not because he has to, but because he wants to. The relationship with The Guy is progressing, but slowly. And, when we first started seeing each other, I was impatient and over-analyzed our situation to the point of driving myself insane. Recently, I've looked at relationships the way you're supposed to look at weight loss...The slower you take it off, the longer it stays off, or if you're talking relationships, the slower you take it, the longer and happier the relationship will be.

I'm tired of rushing through life, maybe this year I'll step back and take a look around...you never know, I might just like it.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Want A Love...

2009-12-22T15:29:00.004-06:00

I watched The Notebook for the first time recently. I had always heard about the awesome love story starring Allie and Noah, so I decided to watch it and guess what...it made me cry. I'm a sucker for a good love story

When Harry Met Sally

Sabrina

Knocked Up (Yes, it's a love story!)

Say Anything

I could go on and on. My favorites are the ones that are a little quirky and the people have some random meeting, blah, blah, blah. I'm even a huge fan of the love song and no one does a good love song like country artists. One of my favorites is Johnny and June. Heidi Newfield talks about how she wants a love like Johnny and June (of course she's speaking of Johnny Cash and June Carter-Cash.)

But here's my favorite love story of all time...

Whenever you asked Betty, "How did you and Bob meet?" She would always respond with a grin and say, "An accident call and a little pair of red shorts."

It was 1949, a 19 year old Betty was in the car with her sister Bonnie. They were driving along, minding their own business and a little boy on his bicycle darted out in front of them, and Bonnie hit the little boy with her car. (Don't worry, he was OK. I want to say it broke his leg, but I'm not sure.) Of course, after an accident like that the police were called out. One of the two policemen that responded to the accident call was a very handsome, 25 year old named Bob. After interviewing Betty and Bonnie, the officers let the women go about their business, but not before Bob found out that Betty was 19 years old, had just graduated high school and was visiting her sister for the summer. He also found out that Betty did not have a drivers license. Betty overheard Bob tell the other officer that she was way too young for him , but that she was going to make a good wife one day. The town that Bonnie lived in was a small town, east of Houston. The grocery store was maybe three miles away. Even though Betty didn't have a license she would occasionally take Bonnie's car to the store and as soon as she would pull onto the main street in town, there was Bob and his partner, siren blaring and lights flashing pulling her over. Once she pulled over, Bob would always get out and ask her the same thing, "Have you gotten your drivers license yet?" To which she would reply, "No, are you going to give me a ticket this time?" And he would tell her, "No." And she said she always responded with, "Then why do you keep pulling me over?" He would just grin and tell her, "Go get your license." This went on all summer, Bob finally asked her out, six months later they were married on December 22, 1949. And they were married until Betty's death in March of 1997.

In those 47 1/4 years, they moved to San Antonio, had three children and then moved to Houston and then shortly after that moved to Channelview. I got to see the last 21 years of their marriage. Some of my favorite Betty and Bob moments...

I love that Betty always called Bob "sha."
I love that they still played grab ass in the kitchen well into their 60's.
I love that they always kissed each other and said I love you before either one of them left the house.
I love the fact that Bob gave Betty a toilet seat for Christmas one year and she absolutely adored it and said that is was just what she needed.
I love the fact that she got pissed off that he gave her a new microwave for Christmas the next year because, "There was nothing wrong the old microwave."
I love the fact Betty would put her hair in rollers and Bob would meticulously apply the permanent solution to every roller on her head.
I love that Bob would call Betty "Edith" all Archie Bunker like.
I love that Betty never knew how to put gas in her own vehicle and would let Bob know when she was at a quarter of a tank and I love that Bob would grab her keys and take her car to the gas station and fill it up.

As you've probably already guessed, Betty was my Nanny and Bob is my Paw Paw. So, Heidi Newfield, I don't want a love like Johnny and June...I want a love like Betty and Bob.

Until next time...

Mandy

Christmas with the Paw Paw

2009-12-21T08:42:00.002-06:00

Sunday was Christmas with the Paw Paw and his wife Dean in Smith Point, TX. Now, you probably don't know where Smith Point is, not many people do...it's at the end of the Earth. Seriously, you take I10 to Anahuac make a right and drive until you hit water. It takes a little over an hour to get there and this is the first year my family and I didn't get lost going over the river and through the woods. We usually get there around 1:30 and leave before it gets dark...because no one wants to try to find there way back to I10 after dark. My whole family was there and there was a lot of laughing and cutting up. Here are some of the funnier moments from yesterday...

I was standing on the front porch talking to my sister and Victor comes running up the stairs onto the porch and he was looking behind him to see if someone was chasing him. All of a sudden, I feel something hit me in the ass...it was Victor's face. When he turned around, he ran right into my ass, ricocheted off and fell on his ass. He then proceeded to get up and inform me that I had a fat butt. Thank you Victor, I was unaware of that little factoid.

A couple of weeks ago, Paw Paw told Mom that we were not to buy him any gifts. He said that with the economy as bad as it is right now, we need to save our money. So, when she showed up with a gift, he gave her the stink eye. He opened the gift and it was Bill O'Reilly's Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity.

Paw Paw: I told you no gifts.
Mom: Oh, hush.
Mandy: Tell Paw Paw the back story on the book.
Mom: Well, that was supposed to be one of your gifts from last year. When I bought it, I hid it and forgot about it. I found it a couple of weeks ago. So, there ya go.
Paw Paw: But this is an old book.
Mom: It's not that old, it's still on the best seller list.
Paw Paw: But it's like a year old.
Mom: I know, I bought it last year.
Paw Paw: I told you no gifts.
Mom: Have you read it?
Paw Paw: No.
Mom: Then shut up or I'll take it back.

My mom and I were sitting on the porch with Jerob and Jereth.

Jereth (the nine year old): I want to spend the night.
Mandy: You need to go tell Paw Paw that you want to stay here tonight.
Jereth: Jerob, do you want to spend the night with Paw Paw tonight.
Jerob (the twelve year old): No.
Jereth: Why not.
Jerob: Dude, we don't have any clothes and THEY'RE not going to come get us tomorrow.
Jereth: Mom will come and get us.
Jerob: Dude, mom can't find her way back here and Mandy and Me Me have to work...we'd be stuck here.

I love seeing my Paw Paw. And he's finally able to walk around without the help of cane. Looks like titanium joints are the way to go!

Me and the Paw Paw!

Until next time...

Mandy

The Lothario

2009-12-16T09:41:00.004-06:00

I know how much all you enjoy my Willie stories.

Today, Willie came in looking for my boss, but the boss wasn't here yet.

Willie: Hey Clydesdale, where's Mark?
Me: I don't know, his phone is off.
Willie: I really need to talk to him. I'm going to leave him a note.
Me: OK.
Silence
Me: Willie, I thought you told me you were divorced.
Willie: *with a sly grin* I am.
Me: You're wearing a wedding ring.
Willie: This isn't a wedding ring.
Me: Right.
Willie: Seriously, I started wearing this because when I took my wedding ring off I had the tan band.
Me: A likely story Willie.
Willie: It's true...when you going to let me take you out?
Me: Sorry, Willie, I started seeing someone a couple of months ago.
Willie: Alright, Clydesdale. You just let me know when you want me to take you out...you know I'll treat you real good.
Me: I know you would, Willie.

So, without further ado, here is a photo of me and the infamous...WILLIE!

Until next time...

Mandy

I am so hot and sexy

2009-11-30T13:30:00.002-06:00

Not much to say at the moment. But here's a funny little exchange that happened yesterday morning between The Guy and myself...

We were laying in bed talking on a lazy Sunday morning.

Me: Ughhh, my nose won't quit itching!!!
The Guy: Uh oh, I hope you're not getting sick.
Me: I doubt it, I'm slightly allergic to Christmas trees so I get sneezy and stuffy at this time every year.
The Guy: (Turning to look at me.) You're allergic to pine trees.
Me: (Turning to look at him) Yeah.
The Guy: (Pointing at my nose.) You have a booger.
Me: OH MY GOD!

And with that, I shot up out of bed and ran to the ladies' room to blow my nose.

Nothing says hot and sexy like something hanging out of your nose.

I guess we've reached a whole new comfort level in our relationship.

Until next time...

Mandy

What's in a Name

2009-11-19T07:55:00.003-06:00

I want to change my name. No, not my first name because Amanda is the most awesome name in the whole world. I'm talking about my last name.

I hate my last name! Seriously, hate doesn't even begin to express how much I dislike my last name...if you combine hate, loathe and detest that might come close to how I feel about my last name. You see, my last name is the only tie that I have to my sperm donor. It pisses me off that I'm walking around with HIS name. When I was growing up, I begged my mother to change our last name to her maiden name, she would always tell me, "Mandy, you're going to get married one day and your last name is going to change. Just be patient." And I've been patient...but let's face it, I'm 33 years old, I've never been married...I've never even been engaged. Every birthday that goes by, is another year that I have to have that man's last name. I mean seriously, the damn thing ends with an x and it's mispronounced ALL. THE. TIME!

When I told the mother of my thoughts on changing my last name, she asked me what I would change it to. I mean, if I go with her maiden name then my name will be a little rhymey and people would expect me to speak Spanish more so than they do now. I thought maybe I could go to the nanny's maiden name, but her maiden name is french, my sister's middle name and it gets mispronounced as much, if not more, than my current name. And here is another dilemma...I've been in the same industry for almost 10 years and I've had customers follow me from one distributor to another, so they know me as Amanda Sperm Donor's last name.

What to do, what to do...

Until next time...

Mandy

They're trying to speak to me!

2009-11-13T09:09:00.004-06:00

I think my appliances are out to get me, one by one. Last October I posted this about my dishwasher. For about a month after the dishwasher incident I was scared to use it, so I hand washed everything until the mother told me to get a grip and loaded the dishwasher and started it.

Now, I think my microwave is trying to talk to me.

Let me explain...

About six months ago, I was asleep and around 2a I was woken up by a strange beeping in my house. At first, I thought maybe I needed to change the batteries in my smoke detector, then I realized, no probably not, I've never changed those batteries and they're probably deader than a doornail. So, I get up and follow the strange beeping...I walked down the stairs, through the living room and into my kitchen and that's when I realized my microwave was beeping and beeping LOUD! Not only was there a weird beeping, but I had accidentally left the microwave door open and, it's hard to explain, but the door open and the light coming on and shining on the wall and the cabinet was WAY creepy! I slowly walked over to the microwave and closed the door and the beeping started coming faster! So, in one swift move I unplugged the microwave, and your going to think I'm crazy, but as I was reaching for the plug I start saying in my head...

"Please quit beeping when I unplug you, please quit beeping when I unplug you!"

And it did. So, I went back upstairs and went back to bed.

That weekend, I plugged the microwave back in and that night the same thing happened. So, I got in the habit of keeping the microwave unplugged while not in use. Then I started noticing that when I was heating up my Spagetti-o's it would start beeping at me while the heating up was in progress. This was really starting to freak me out! So, then I started heating up soup, spagettin-o's and raviolis (yes, I know, I eat crap) on the stove.

One night, the guy asked me, "Why don't you heat that up in the microwave?" That's when I told him about the beeping and that I had come to the conclusion that something from beyond was trying to contact me using Morse Code, and I don't speak Morse so I think the fast beeping is them yelling the code at me. (This should tell you how awesome and patient he is) He looked and as serious as he could be...

The Guy: Mandy, have you set the time on your microwave?
Me: No, I don't think I ever have.
The Guy: That could be why it's beeping. Have you looked in your owner's manual?
Me: No, I'm not even sure where that is. I might have thrown it away.
The Guy: So you just put it up there, plugged it in and started heating things up? Didn't read the manual or anything?
Me: Nope, it's a microwave, you plug it in, stick the food in there, and hit start. Why would I need an owner's manual for that.
The Guy: I have a feeling that might be what it is, I don't think anyone is trying to contact you through Morse Code.
Me: Well, I'm not chancing it.

I haven't tried setting the time yet...maybe I'll try that this weekend.

Until next time...

Mandy

I'm Alive!

2009-11-12T08:09:00.002-06:00

Hello, my faithful blog followers. Sorry for the lack of posts lately. A lot has been going on, not so much with me, but with friends of mine.

I'm pretty proud of the fact that I'm "drama-free" and I think I've figured out why God has made my life so stressless. (I'm not sure if that's a word or not, but I'm going with it.) Apparently, I was put on Earth to absorb some of my friends problems. I was talking with the mother and told her that this is the first time in my adult life that my friends' problems are more than, "Why didn't he call? He said he was going to call! I slept with him and I never heard from him again! BOO HOO HOO." No, now it's real shit! In the past month this is what I've been there for...

1. A set of friends that are going through a divorce. I am friends with both parties and so I have heard both sides. The male half of the couple started dating a girl very shortly after they split and he has recently broken up with her. So, not only is he dealing with the end of his marriage he's also dealing with the end of a relationship that got way serious way fast.

2. Another friend, who is divorced, is now dealing with serious issues with their ex and most likely is going to go through a very long, drawn out custody fight.

3. Another friend called me at the beginning of October and told me that his addiction to pills had reared it's ugly head and that he was going to go through a month long outpatient rehab type thing.

On a happy note, I have been seeing a guy for the past two months, everything is good and he's pretty awesome and I like him a lot. And that's all I'm going to say about him at this point. I haven't mentioned him here because it seems like whenever I mention a new guy on this little blog, and I get all excited about the prospect of a new guy it blows up in my face. So, I'm going to keep him under wraps for a little while longer.

One thing everyone should know about me...I am a worrier! MASSIVE WORRIER! So much so, that my mother doesn't tell me things until she knows if there is something to worry about or not because she knows that I will sit there and freak out until I get the all clear. The worrying got so bad this weekend that when I was on the phone with the guy he told me he could tell something was wrong and I just busted out crying and said, "I just want everyone's life to get back to normal, I'm worried about everyone and all this stuff is happening and the holidays are coming up blah, blah, blah." He told me that it might be time to step back from my friends and let them know that I'm not actually a licensed therapist and that other people's problems shouldn't bring me to tears.

I know all this, but this is in my nature and you can't change that. I'm a firm believer in friends are the family that you pick. And when anyone in my family is hurt, then I will hurt with them.

Until next time...

Mandy

I'm Famous

2009-09-29T13:24:00.003-06:00

The same night that I went out with Molly and Holly, I did something that not many people can say they've done...

I silenced an entire bar with one statement.

The bar that we have grown to love is awesome. It has a very cool vibe and a very eclectic mix of people that range from a singer in a band to a woman with a PHD on a dart league. They only sell beer, wine and coffee, but they don't sell Budweiser or Miller Lite or any of the other "regular" beers. They do, however, carry an extensive line of Abita Beer, Lone Star (one of my personal favorites) and here's one that I tried last weekend that has now become one of my favorites Atlantic Brewing Company Bar Harbor Blueberry Ale. They also have an impressive wine list...and Molly, who is not a wine drinker, has become very fond of a German wine that we're not really sure what the name is but the bartender knows when she says she wants a glass of Edelweiss Weinerschnitzel what to give her.

The inside of the bar is very cool and chic, but since Houston has a non-smoking ordinance, everyone usually stands outside and mingles amongst each other, hopping from patio table to patio table. The last time we were there, there was someone bbq'ing in front of the bar and somehow we ended up with a rather large plate of grilled pork and pineapple on our table...it was delicious, by the way!

So, let me get back to my "Stop the Presses" moment...

It was later in the evening and I had had a couple of the Blueberry Ales and I walked into the bar to order another one, there was about 12-15 people in the bar...

Me: Hey Cory, can I get another Blueberry Ale?
Cory: Yeah, hang on just a minute.
Me: Is that Radiohead?
Cory: Yeah.
Me: Oh. My. God. I HATE RADIOHEAD!

REAAAAAAAAAAA

Everyone stopped talking and looked at me.

Me: What?
Cory: You hate Radiohead?
Me: Uhh, yeah. I would rather gouge out both my eyeballs with a Bic pen than listen to them.
Cory and the other patrons are staring at me like I just said something horrible about the Baby Jesus.
Me: Seriously, Thom York sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher talking...wha wha wha wha.
Cory: I can't believe you don't like Radiohead.
Me: Sorry, dude. They are my ex's favorite band and I was made to listen to them constantly and I had to endure an entire concert with them and their pretentious fans.
Guy sitting next to me: So you've seen them live?
Me: Yeah, and I will say they sound just like their CD, which is impressive, but I think their fans are more annoying than they are.
GSNM: Wow, I hate it when people get all pretentious about bands.
Me: Yeah, thank you!

Cory gives me my beer and I walk back outside...it was shortly after this that I ended up in the hatchback.

So, Saturday night, Molly and Holly went back out to the bar and this guy looked at her...

Guy: Are you the girl that doesn't like Radiohead?
Molly: No, I like Radiohead...that's my friend, Mandy that doesn't like them.

YAY, I'm famous! I am so getting a plain black shirt and in fuzzy white lettering it's going to say...

I'm the girl that hates Radiohead.

Until next time...

Mandy

The Dick Fairy!

2009-09-28T08:31:00.006-06:00

*This entry contains language that could be offensive to some. Also, names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent!*

I am a Dick Fairy. Seriously, when I go out with girlfriends, it's like I wave my magic wand and Bippity, Boppity, Boo...they get some! It's always been this way, I'm just good luck for these bitches.

Friday night, I went out with two of my girlfriends, Molly and Holly. We were at this very cool little bar in midtown that I have grown to love and these girls and I are slowly becoming regulars. Anyway, last week my friend, Molly (who is my age) made out with a 23 year old stand up bass player. (The mention of his instrument will come into play later in the story.) So, Friday night Molly and I were sitting on the patio and we were watching, Pete, load his instrument in the back of his Volkswagon Jetta Wagon. And then the text messages start...

Molly - Pete: We should hook up.
Pete - Molly: OK, Jackass and I are going to Warren's you should come with us.
Molly - Pete: Holly is talking to a guy in her car, so I don't have a way over there.
Pete - Molly: You can ride with us.
Molly - Pete: What about Mandy?
Pete - Molly: We can make room for her.

So, Molly looks at me and says, "Let's go!" To which I reply, "OK." So, we take Holly her purse and walk over to Pete's vehicle and find out the seating arrangement...

Pete in driver seat and his friend in passenger seat.
Molly in the seat behind Pete and top half of stand up bass in seat behind Pete's jackass friend.
bottom half of stand up bass in the right half of the hatchback and Mandy in the left half of the hatchback.

That's right people, I folded my 5'8" body in half and crawled, backwards, into the hatchback of a Volkswagon Jetta Wagon and had to share the space with the big end of a stand up bass. I looked like one of those plush Garfields with the suction cups on the feet that people used to put on their windows. I will say this, I have ridden in a hatchback before, but I was in my early 20's and when you're in your early 20's you don't think of the dangers...but in your early 30's everything bad that could happen races through your mind. This is all I could think...

OH HOLY JESUS! IF WE GET REAR ENDED ONE OF TWO THINGS IS GOING TO HAPPEN:

1. I WILL DIE.
2. I WILL BE SEVERELY MAIMED FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

So, we're driving through downtown Houston and I never realized how weird it would be to drive everywhere in reverse. We get to Warren's and Pete pops the hatch and helps peel me out and we go and find a spot at the bar. So, the seating arrangement is...

Molly, Pete, Me and Jackass.

So, Molly and Pete are talking and I find out that Jackass is a grad student, teaches cello lessons part-time, and wants to either be in the symphony or a professor when he grows up. Then, there's some awkward silence and I look at him and say...

Me: Look, I'm not trying to hit on you, I'm just trying to have a conversation.
Jackass: Well, you know, this place has a fabulous jukebox, maybe you should go and play some music.
Me: So, basically, you're telling me to go check out the jukebox and leave you the hell alone.
Jackass: Basically.
Me: OK. *grabbing my purse and pulling ones out and then picking up my drink* Fuck you (smiling sweetly.)

So, I go to the jukebox and play some music and walk back over to the bar and walk over to Molly...

Me: Give me a cigarette.
Molly: Mandy, no you've done too good.
Me: Bitch, you brought me here in a hatchback and sat me next to a jackass...give. me. a. cigarette!
Molly: OK...let's walk outside.

So, we're standing outside and I look at Pete and say...

Me: What's up with your friend, does he think I want to fuck him or something
Pete: No, he's just not all that impressed with you.
Me: Oh really? Well, as impressed as he is with me, I'm even less impressed with him. First of all, his face looks like his butt and...

I feel as though I need to preface the next statement with this one...I have never lived in a trailer park...

Me: Secondly, could you let him know that I wouldn't fuck him with someone else's pussy!
Molly: We need to go.
Me: Yes we do.

So, we walk back in and the bartender tells us our tab is $25. So I throw two $20's on the bar.

Molly: Mandy, you can't pay for everyone's drink.
Me: It's OK, I don't mind...I may not have a degree, but at least I have a fucking job.
I get my change, leave a $5 on the bar and look at Molly and Pete and say, "Let's go."

So, back at the car, I fold myself into the hatchback again so we can take jackass back to his apartment, when he's getting out of the vehicle he says...

"Had fun, Pete. Regardless."

To which I yell from the hatchback..."FUCK YOU!"

I'll admit, my exchange with the jackass was not one of my finer moments...but, I have this theory that it takes so much energy to be a total and complete dick, why not just be nice to people and use that energy for something else.

Anyway, after jackass gets out of the car, I get to get in the backseat...where the air conditioner vents can be felt!

So, we're driving back to Molly's house and once we get there I hand her the keys to my apartment and tell her to have fun and be careful!

The next morning when I get to my apartment, I walk upstairs and notice something shiny on the half-wall in my bedroom. So, I called Molly...

Me: Hey, the next time I see Pete I'm going to say, "What's up P.I.?"
Molly: Why would you say that?
Me: Because he left his Magnum condom wrapper on my half-wall!
Molly: OH MY GOD! Are you serious?
Me: Yep, good job!

After being single for the past 33 years I've learned one thing...Nice guys always travel with a jackass friend and somehow I always end up having to talk to the jackass while my friend talks to the nice one.

So, if you're in the Houston area and would like to "get lucky" call me...I'll go out with you, wave my magic wand and depending on our level of friendship give you free reign of my home...I'll even wash the sheets myself!

Until next time...

Mandy

How Are We Not Dead?

2009-09-15T07:19:00.002-06:00

The majority of my stories from my past are funny but I do have some scary ones. Here's one that when I look back I say to myself, "Thank God we made it out of that one alive."

Channelview 1994 - Second semester of my senior year.

In 1994 Latischia and I started running around together. We were both really sheltered girls that thought we had a handle on everything. We thought everyone was basically good and even if they weren't good...we were indestructible.

We met these two guys one night and exchanged pager numbers. The boys came over to her house a couple of times and we all talked on the phone...we thought they were harmless.

One night, we get a page from them and when we called them back they asked us if we could do them a favor. When we asked what it was they said they needed us to drive them to Greenspoint to pick up some "cookies."

OK, for those of you who don't live in the Houston area, Greenspoint is pretty much the ghetto and back in 1994 it was even worse because they had not yet built the police substation. Laticshia and I, being the good girls from Channelview, had no idea that Greenspoint was bad. We never went that far north...there was never any reason to. And when they said they had to pick up cookies, I thought Nestle Tollhouse, drugs never even came to mind. So, we pick the boys up...Latischia was driving, and one of the boys asked me if I wanted to get something to drink for the ride. Being 18 and a novice when it came to alcohol consumption I said, "Sure, get me some Strawberry Hill." (I was 18, what do you expect...Boone's Farm was easy to come by.) So, we're driving to Greenspoint and I'm drinking my classy wine drink. We finally make it to Greenspoint and we go to some apartments, Tish and I are told to wait in the car and they will be right back...

A half an hour later, they get back in the car and tell us they need to go to their friend's house in Cloverleaf. (People not from East Harris County - Cloverleaf is almost as scary as Greenspoint...it's just more compact.) So, we drive to some crappy, little apartments - it wasn't even a complex, just some old house that was converted - and we all get out of the car and walk in. Remember, I have drank an entire bottle of very cheap, very bad wine so I'm drunk. We walk into the apartment and I see a guy that was friends with one of my exes, his name was Big Dave. We hug and say hi and then, the boy that bought the alcohol for me looks at me and says...

Him: Hey Mandy.
Me: What?
Him: Come here.
Me: OK.

He leads me into a back bedroom and closes and locks the door. Then about 4 different guys come out of the bathroom and are looking at me.

Me: Who are they?

Latischia: *Banging on the door* MANDY, OPEN THE DOOR!!!
I go over and open the door
Me: What?
Latischia: We have to leave now!
Me: Why, what's wrong?
Latischia: Mandy, there are guns in the window and cocaine on the coffee table, we have to leave NOW!
Me: OK, let's go.

So, we get in her car and leave. But, for some reason, all the boys follow us back to Latischia's house. How they got in, has escaped my memory...I was still a little drunk at this point. So, I start walking back to Latischia's room to change clothes and those same boys start to follow me...then, Big Dave says, "Mandy, come here, I want to show you something in my car." So, I follow him outside and he makes me sit on the hood of his vehicle...

Big Dave: Look at me.
Me: What?
Big Dave: What are you doing? Why are you hanging out with those guys?
Me: I don't know...we've all just been talking and having fun.
Big Dave: You don't need to associate with those two anymore and you need to be careful who you drink around.
Me: Why?
Big Dave: Do you have any idea what they were about to do to you in there?
Me: No, what?
Big Dave: Mandy, you're smarted than this...they were about to rape you.
Me: Oh my God, are you serious?
Big Dave: I'm going to go get everyone out of there...don't talk to these people anymore.
Me: *dazed* OK, thanks Dave.

And with that Dave bends over and kisses me. He goes in the house and get everyone out and they leave. I saw Big Dave a couple of times after that and then we lost touch. I'm not sure what happened to him or where he lives now, but I do hope he is doing well.

Thanks Dave!

Until next time...

Mandy

Sex Stories...

2009-09-11T07:08:00.002-06:00

When they're embarrassing, they never get old.

I found an old boyfriend on facebook yesterday, the reason I looked him up is because he came up in a conversation I was having with a new friend. Here's how it started...

Where is the weirdest place you've ever had sex?

I told him I had never done "it" anywhere that would be considered weird...so, I told him my most embarrassing sex story.

One night, when I worked a the hotel by Intercontinental Airport, one of the bellmen that I had been flirting with and I decided to go to Clayton's for a couple of drinks. At the time, I was 20 and he was 23...he was also married. (Don't judge me, I was 20.) After we had our couple of drinks we decided to go riding around in my car...a Pontiac Sunfire. We end up on some street next to the airport runways...he was in the driver seat and I was in the passenger seat. We started making out and one thing led to another...his pants were off and my skirt was up around my waist. Let me say this...I'm 5'8" and he was 6', and guess what...we were too tall to have sex in a Pontiac Sunfire. So, we pretty much gave up and decided to sit there a little longer and just talk...him with no pants and me with my skirt around my waist. When I looked out the window I noticed a car pulling up...

Mandy: Oh look, there's a car pulling up next to us...Huh, someone is getting out...Wait a minute, they're walking over here...and then all of a sudden

TAP TAP TAP

It was a cop, tapping on the driver side window with a very large flashlight. So, the boy rolled the window down...and remember, he still has no pants on...not even undies.

The Cop: What's going on here?
The Boy: Nothing now.
The Cop: *Looking at me* Ma'am, are you here on your own accord?
Mandy: Yes Sir.
Thoughts in Mandy's head: OH MY GOD! I AM GOING TO JAIL, I WILL HAVE TO CALL MY MOTHER AND HAVE HER BAIL ME OUT BECAUSE I'M HALF NAKED, HAVING SEX WITH A MARRIED MAN ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!
The Cop: I think y'all need to get out of here.
The Boy: Yes sir.

And with that, The Boy put the car in drive and drove for at least a mile sans pants. We finally get to a stopping point...fix our clothes and we drive back to get his car. We actually kept seeing each other for a little bit after that, then we stopped, then 6 months later he called me and told me that he and his wife were getting divorced, so we started dating again. We did the on-again, off-again thing a couple of times. Then, in 99 he started dating someone and we lost touch.

To this day, whenever anyone asks me, "Where's your favorite place to have sex?" I immediately think of The Boy and I smile and always answer, "In a bed, in a room with a door...Cops don't care if you're in a bed, in a room, with a door."

I actually talked to The Boy yesterday...when I told him why I had looked him up he said, "Oh my God, I was just telling someone that story two weeks ago!"

I found out he married the girl he met in '99 and they now have a two year old. It sounds like he's doing well and that makes me very happy for him. He was a good boyfriend...he deserves happiness.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Told You I Don't Like That!

2009-09-09T12:07:00.002-06:00

I hate discussing bodily functions, most of you know this. I even tell people when I first meet them, "I don't discuss bodily functions, I pretend they don't exist." Now, if someone made that statement to me, I would avoid poop conversations...Especially if I was trying to "woo" that person.

I have a gentleman calling me at the moment and I have told him about my detest of all things poop related and how I just don't even talk about it. I'm sorry, but there are a lot of things going on in the world right now, talking about poop or anything else of that nature shouldn't be high on your topic list. But oh no, y'all know me, I attract the weirdos...

When talking about his children...

Yep, I've been wiping butts for the past 5 years.

Really, was it necessary to put it that way? I just responded with an "Oh."

After finding out that I don't like the topic of bodily functions...

So, I guess you don't like the word diarrhea...

No, I don't...I think I just made that clear, but why don't you throw in the word fart, just to make this conversation that much more uncomfortable for me.

And here's the discussion from last night...

Him: I had sushi for dinner.
Me: Yum, that sounds good.
Him: Then I went and got some ice cream.
Me: Oh my, you put dairy on top of the raw fish?
Him: Well I didn't eat them together.
Me: But still, that's like eating fish with a milkshake...just the thought of mixing dairy with raw fish makes my stomach turn.
Him: Well, I look at it this way...it all makes the same turd.
Me: Um, gross...that's disgusting.

OK, I know I'm a little freaky weird about the poo talk...but even if I wasn't, the word "turd" is not sexy...I just think if you're trying to woo someone and you want them to go out with you why would you talk about poop?!

Seriously, how do these people find me?

Until next time...

Mandy

September 4, 1924

2009-09-04T07:54:00.003-06:00

The greatest man in the world was born 85 years ago today; well, the greatest man in my world. Of course I'm talking about The Paw Paw! Seriously, everyone should have a Paw Paw! If you're new to Mainly Mandy, I'll fill you in on the awesomeness that is THE PAW PAW!

When my sperm-donor left, back in 1979, a very pregnant-the mother, took little Mandy to Nanny and Paw Paw's house where they took us in and Paw Paw started building a house for The Mother, The Mandy and the yet-to-be-born Megan behind his house. The three of us lived in that little 950 square foot house until I was 22...

The Paw Paw reading to little Mandy

The Paw Paw playing Uno with little Mandy after her first dance recital.

Us again.

Present day Paw Paw with my youngest nephew, Victor.

Here's a conversation my mother and I had recently...

Me: I just want to find a guy that will get the shit off the top shelf.

Mom: Mmmhmmm...

Me: Someone who will say, "I'm taking your car to have the oil changed."

Mom: Right.

Me: A dude that's going to ask, "Is your cell phone charged???"

Mom: OK.

Me: Someone that wants to take care of me, not because I need them to, but because the want to!

Mom: Well, what you want is a Paw Paw, and I'm sorry, but they don't make that model anymore!

And that's true, they don't. I've always said that I want what my grandparents had. Do you know that, 'til the day my Nanny died she swore up and down that she didn't know how to put gas in her car. Whenever she'd get to a quarter of a tank, she'd tell Paw Paw and he would take it to the gas station and fill it up. NOW, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAW PAW! Hope your day is fabulous!

Until next time...

Mandy

Apparently...It's Me.

2009-09-02T15:53:00.002-06:00

As most of my long time readers know, when I first started this little online journal type thing it was basically a "diary" of being single after a six year relationship. So, I joined an online dating site. Personally, I think online dating is an awesome way for people over 30 to meet others in their age bracket also the city of Houston is large and not just our population...I have no idea how many square miles Houston, TX is, but take my word for it, it would take you several hours to drive around the entire city...so online dating lets you meet people on the other side of the city that you would have never had the opportunity to meet had it not been for the internet. The last time around, I think I did it for 6 or 7 months then I decided to give it a rest, but I knew I would most likely try it again.

So, here we are. A friend of mine and I decided that we were both going to join sites...she joined Yahoo, which is the one I used the last time and I joined Match. She, is now talking to two different guys...one is a very cute IT guy that works for a lawyer in the galleria area and another guy who is hotter than Georgia asphalt and owns an international heavy equipment company, so he travels all over the world.

How have I done, you ask? Well, let me tell you...the first guy seemed promising, but it didn't pan out. The second guy...he's a toll booth operator! And today, today I was contacted by a lovely gentleman. Here's an excerpt of his profile...

a perfect match 4 me wud be a girl dats open about almost anything, n has a beautiful personality n cute feet, i do have have a foot fetish, but im not crazy with it r weird about it

How do these people find me? This is actually copied and pasted from his profile...his whole profile is chock full of dis, dat and im lookin 4. I'm sorry, but he's 33 years old, why does he feel the need to speak like that? And seriously, who just puts it out there they like feet? I mean don't get me wrong, I'll take a good toe sucking any day, but that's besides the point. :)

Freaks and potheads...I guess I need to go invest in some pedicures and some grow lights.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Am So In the Now!

2009-08-28T13:39:00.002-06:00

YAY ME!!!! I'm in the now...I figured out how to download my video onto YouTube! So, I hope y'all enjoy.

Speaking of in the now and futuristic stuff...look what we saw on I10 on the ride home...

That's right people, it was a DeLorean. We were going about 88 miles an hour...it passed us up and we never saw it again. "Roads, where we're going we don't need roads."

Until next time...

Mandy

NAAAAAYYYYY...

2009-08-27T12:38:00.004-06:00

Guess who's coming to the office to drop off some tires...WILLIE!!!!

Yep, y'all remember Willie...I've mentioned him here and here.

Boss Man just called to tell me that Willie is going to be dropping off some tires here at the office but, "I'm not sure if he'll come in or not." To which I replied, "Of course he's coming in, he has to call me Clydesdale and make mention of me being thick, big or some sort of remark about my ass."

Maybe I'll be all stealth mode and get a picture so y'all can get the full effect that is WILLIE!

Until next time...

Mandy

Animation

2009-08-26T07:47:00.003-06:00

On the ride home from Louisiana on Sunday, I recorded a video of Terra and me. Sadly, I can't figure out how to download the damn thing...I would really like to post it here. Anyway, I've watched it on my camera and the first thing that came out of my mouth is, "Oh my God, I never realized how goofy I look when I talk."

People have always told me that I'm extremely animated when I talk, but I didn't realize it was to that extent...I was borderline a cartoon character. From facial expressions to hand gestures to laughing it was all there.

So, I have a question for those of you who know me in the real world...

Should I work on this and try to tone down my face or should I just go with it and accept the fact that this is just another quirky thing that make me MANDY?

Oh, and if you know how to download video from a Kodak easyshare camera...please let me know.

Until next time...

Mandy

AHHHHHHHH EEEEEEEEE

2009-08-24T06:59:00.007-06:00

Terra and I went to Opelousas, LA this weekend for her birthday. (Not because Opelousas is a party town but because her family lives there.) Saturday night, all the girls got all fancy so we could go to a couple of bars. We get to the first bar, Triple Crown, and we were all standing around talking waiting for the band to start. Before we went out, I told Terra that there would be a theme for the nights pictures...DIRTY HAND GESTURES!

Terra and me on the way to the bar

SHOCKER!

An oldie but a goodie. Seriously, when was the last time you saw that hand gesture?

Double Shocker...one with a trigger and one without. It's just your personal preference.

I ran out of hand gestures, so I just started grabbing boobs.

This is Jonathon...Terra's cousin's husband.

Terra and Sarah

So, after a couple of hours at Triple Crown...the night went downhill from there. The group of people we went out with decided they wanted to go to a place called...Cowboys. As we were walking out of the first bar, we found out the car assignments had changed. Terra and I had originally been riding with Amanda and Corey but then another couple needed to ride with them so then we were going to ride with Sarah and Jonathon...but, there was a car seat in their backseat. So, I made the announcement..."Does anyone have room for me? I can't fit in a car seat." So Douche Bag # 1, we'll call him David tells me that his friend, Douche Bag # 2 is riding by himself and I should just ride with him. So, I'm all, "OK." And that's when the night jumped directly into the hand basket and off to hell we went.

First, let me describe Jason...he's your run of the mill douche bag. He wears his Affliction shirt with his baggy pants, he's a little over weight yet he claims to be an MMA fighter and even has "Tapout" tattooed on his forearm.

So, I hop in the passenger seat of the truck and he's being all rude to me and stuff. And, here's how that conversation went...

Me: Dude, if you didn't want me to ride with you, all you would have had to say is...Bitch, I don't want you in my car.

Him: Whatever, it's fine.

Me: Are you OK to drive?

Him: I'm pretty good.

Me: OK, just don't kill me.

He starts playing music really loud so I just sit there, quietly. Then he starts driving 90 miles an hour down the freeway.

Then he tells me that he needs to stop by an ATM. So, we go to a Shell station right across the busy street from the bar we were supposed to end up at. It was at that moment that I realized that all my money and my I.D. was in my purse...with Terra. We both got out of the truck...

Me: *While shifting my weight back and forth doing the pee pee dance* I'm going to run to the ladies room real quick, don't leave me here.

Him: Look, the bar is right accross the street.

Me: I don't give a fuck where it is, DO NOT LEAVE ME HERE.

Him: Well hurry up, or I will leave you here.

Me: *Still shifting my weight* YOU LISTEN TO ME RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE ME HERE, I WILL WALK MY HAPPY ASS ACROSS THIS STREET, GO INTO THAT BAR, I WILL FIND YOU AND *while punching the air* I WILL HIT YOU IN THE FACE. DO YOU HEAR ME? I AM IN LOUISIANA, I AM IN HIGH HEELS, ALL OF MY MONEY AND MY I.D. ARE WITH TERRA...DO NOT LEAVE ME HERE.

Him: OK, fine...just hurry up!

When I walk out of the bathroom, Jason is standing there...

Me: Oh wow, you didn't leave me.

Him: The ATM took longer than I thought.

Me: That's awesome.

Him: OK, let's go.

We park behind the bar and I walk on one side of the bar and he walks on the other. When we get to the entrance, he just walks in and leaves me standing in front of the bar...by myself. Finally, Terra gets there, I get my money and I.D. we walk in and Jason and I spend the rest of the evening avoiding and giving dirty looks to each other. I figured, with a name like Cowboys, that it was a country bar which was fine, except they don't two step...I'm not sure what they were doing and when you throw in an accordion...it gets even weirder. Then, as I was standing there, minding my own business a black guy in a cowboy hat grabs my ass then after that, some guy who came up to my boobs asked me to dance. Yep, just another night out in Mandy's world!

Until next time...

Mandy

Thirty Minutes

2009-08-21T08:34:00.003-06:00

That's how much sleep I got last night...30 minutes.

I'm doing OK right now, but I have a feeling around 1p I'm going to be all delirious and giggly.

It was a good night though. Get your mind out of the gutter, it wasn't the bow chicka bow wow kind of good, but good nonetheless.

I'm going to Opelousas, LA this weekend with Terra. It is certain that fun times will be had...but when the patriarch of the family is known as Papa Pooney, you shouldn't expect anything less than fun times.

Until next time...

Mandy

New Header Picture

2009-08-20T08:13:00.002-06:00

So, I decided to change my picture, you know, up there ^. Although, my Wonder Woman Underoos picture is one of my favorites of me growing up...I think I like this one equally as well.

So, I guess you're wondering what the hell I was doing dressed as a chicken. Well, let me tell ya...

I wasn't a chicken, I was Disco Duck. Yep, the first tap dance I ever did was to Disco Duck. I believe this was around 1979.

So, what do you think...should I keep the duck or go back to my superhero alter-ego???

Until next time...

Mandy

Boys and Bathrooms

2009-08-19T11:22:00.002-06:00

This post is going to be completely different than what I usually write. If you know me personally then you know how much I HATE, LOATHE and DETEST toilet humor.

With that being said...

There are three people that work at my company. There are two men and me. We have been open for about 2 1/2 years and, let me tell you, it has been an eye opening experience. Especially when it comes to, duh, duh, duuuuuh, THE BATHROOM.

Let me start by telling you, when I was growing up I never had to share a bathroom with a boy. In my house it was The Mother, The Sister, Me and two female dogs...Gypsy and Cookie. We cleaned the bathroom once a week and that was really the only time the seat got lifted.

Now that I'm older, have lived with a couple of guys and had to share a bathroom with my two coworkers, I have come to the conclusion that men are DISGUSTING BATHROOM PIGS.

Here are some of my complaints...

1. I didn't realize how difficult it was to lift the seat. Seriously, nothing makes me happier than going into the bathroom and having to wipe your piss off the seat!

2. Do I need to give you a scope to put on your penis? How hard is it to aim your "little dude" at the big hole with the happy water?

3. Why is it necessary to shake your dick to get the pee pee off? You know what happens when you shake it...your urine goes all over the lip of the toilet. Why can't you grab a little square of toilet paper and wipe the tip of your member? Please someone explain this one to me!

4. And about the lip of the toilet...you know that toilet paper I was just talking about, could you maybe grab some and wipe the little pee droplets off? Thanks, that would be great!

And my least favorite thing about sharing a bathroom with men...

5. Why can't you flush 'til the bowl is clean? And you know what? It's not just here that I have experienced the scary toilet. The last company I worked for I had to share a bathroom with a big, bunch of men. There was one time that I actually went into the bathroom and came right back out and sat the men in the office down and said, "Look, I don't know whose ass exploded in there, but guess what, I'm not cleaning that up. When I go into the ladies room, the last thing I want to see are skid marks from here to I10! So, y'all either need to change your diet, or learn how to use the little scrub brush next to the toilet, because y'all are just gross."

And guess what? The mothers of the world are not helping! I have friends with little boys that say, "Well, that's little boys." No ma'am. There is no excuse for leaving poo in the toilet, peeing on the floor and bad bathroom etiquette all together.

Oh, and here's another reason I will probably never get married...

I was at the gym the other day and this woman was telling us how she was talking to a girl, that had just gotten married at the laundromat and the girl, while holding a pair of her husband's dirty underwear, said, "Oh wow, I've never had to wash underwear with skid marks in them."

FUCK A BIG, BUNCH OF THAT!

I'm sorry, but if you're old enough to get married, then you're old enough to know how to wipe your own ass! (The only exception is if you hit a deer or something, then I'll give you a free pass. But even then, I think I would probably tell you to either throw them away or wash them yourself.)

Bottom line...Guys, stop being gross in the bathroom!

Until next time...

Mandy

In The Weeds

2009-08-18T07:57:00.005-06:00

OK, I think I might have the essence of weed. You read that right, weed as in marijuana, ganja, smoke, grass, pot, etc, etc. It seems as though the only men that are attracted to me come complete with a dime bag and a pipe. Which, is completely bizarre since I've only smoked the weed once, hated it and never did it again.

It all started my senior year in high school...up until then, I was very naive. I honestly believed that there wasn't a drug problem at Channelview High School. Then, I started dating this guy and when I went in his bedroom the first time I saw this weird, vase looking thing. When I inquired about this unusual room decor he looked at me like I was nuts...

Him: That's a bong.
Me: What's a bong?
Him: You smoke weed with it.
Me: YOU SMOKE POT?
Him: Uhhh, yeah.
Me: OK, well I don't want to.
Him: That's fine, I'm not going to make you smoke it.
Me: Good.

So, we dated for like 4 - 6 months, and let me tell you, he and all his friends called me the "Queen of Crib." Every time I went over there, I was immediately sleepy and would just fall asleep, I think it had something to do with the haze that was floating throughout the entire house.

Then there was the boy that lived with me after I graduated...MAJOR pothead. I don't want to go into him...he broke me. (not financially, I was not the same after he and I broke up...I trusted NO ONE!)

Then there was the guy that was a year younger than me. He was 20 and I was 21. He was the guy I smoked the pot with...and I thought I was going to die. I had been around enough pot heads to know the unwritten rule...If it's someone's first time to smoke, don't lace it with anything. People, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I felt like my face was melting, I couldn't breathe, I was seeing into the future and once I got home...I threw up. Needless to say, I did not get the euphoric feelings that everyone told me I would have. So, after the weed had run it's course I decided that I would never smoke it again.

Luckily, the guy I was with for 6 years didn't smoke the ganja.

Then on to my last ex.

As some of you may remember, I met him at a party. At one point in the evening, he and another guy said, "Uhhh, we're going to the store real quick...we need cigarettes." And I totally believed them. (Apparently, some of that naivety was still hanging around.) Everyone else started laughing, and I was oblivious. It never dawned on me that they came back empty handed. Anyway, I found out later that he smoked. But, he told me that he didn't smoke that often. So, I was like, "OK, every once in a while he'll smoke a little. No big deal." But then he moved into my apartment and brought with him his grocery bag full of weed. I don't think he and I were on the same page when he said he didn't smoke THAT MUCH. It's like that line in Knocked UP..."You don't smoke weed at all, like in the morning?" I told him I didn't like having that much marijuana in my home, but he didn't listen. Then he quit his job, and I told him he was an idiot...there aren't that many jobs anymore that don't drug test. I ended up kicking him, his pot and his pipe out.

And here we are in the present day of Mandy.

Recently, I've kicked around the idea of the online dating thing again. The last time I did it, I had a lot of fun and met some very interesting characters. So, I uploaded about five pictures and did my whole "about me" section. And guess what...I've had several emails sent and a lot of page views and the majority of the men who have looked at me have things like...

1. I quit smoking cigarettes (but I still smoke)
2. *Answering the questions, Do you smoke?* I'll tell you later - which usually means, "I've got a big bag of weed at my house!"
3. I'm 420 friendly!

It's so bad that my friends tease me about it.

I guess I'm a beacon in the night to pot heads...or the lighter to their pipe.

Until next time...

Mandy

Creepiness and Cake

2009-08-13T09:08:00.003-06:00

I have had a couple of people ask me, "Who is Cake Girl?"

As mentioned in one of my previous posts, Sublime Enigma and I have been reading each other's blogs since 2007 and he has become one of my favorite bloggers. I was lucky enough to meet him last month at The Wooden Birds Show at Walter's on Washington...fun times. Anyway, one of my favorite posts was about a birthday gathering for a girl he was seeing at the time and after that gathering she was called Cake Girl.

If you are not a regular reader of Mr. Enigma, you really should check is page out. There is good stuff there.

Until next time...

Mandy

*Sublime Enigma - If you would like me to take the links off, please let me know.

What...That Was Creepy?

2009-08-12T08:09:00.002-06:00

Two and a half years ago I met this guy at a bar, he was a friend of a friend. The whole night we were flirting back and forth and he was buying me drinks blah, blah, blah. Then I looked down and noticed the class ring on his hand.

Mandy: Oh, what school did you go to?
Matt: C.E. King
Mandy: No, your ring. What college did you go to?
Matt: I didn't go to college.
Mandy: But your ring says 2004.
Matt: Yeah, that's when I graduated high school.
Mandy: WHAT!?! I graduated from high school in 1994!
Matt: So.
Mandy: What do you mean, so? How old are you?
Matt: I'm 21.
Mandy: Oh my GOD!!! I am 31 years old...thanks for the drinks, but I have to go.

Fast forward two and a half years...I walk into the same bar to hang out with the same friends I was hanging out with two and a half years earlier and guess who was standing with my friends...yep, Matt. But this time, he was two and a half years older.

Matt: Hey Amanda, how have you been.
Mandy: Good, you?
Matt: Good, I have a daughter now.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH small talk BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
Mandy: You know what, you look a lot like Seth Rogen.
Matt: Really, is that a good thing?
Mandy: You have no idea. Seth Rogen is my ultimate celebrity "would ya?"
Matt: Oh yeah.
Mandy: Yep. Well, I have to go. I'm meeting friends out. You should come we're going to go to several different bars.
Matt: OK, sounds good. Can I get your number?
Mandy: Sure.

So, I give him my number. And we start texting and calling. I would even refer to him as my little Mexican Seth Rogen. The texting and calling went on for about two weeks. Then, we decided to hang out one Sunday afternoon at my house. He told me that he would bring the movie, Pineapple Express and we would order a pizza, etc.

He gets to my house and this is what happens.

Mandy: *opening the door, holding my dog.* Hi, come on in.
Matt: *patting the dog on the head* Hey, who is this?
Mandy: This is Rogen.
Matt: Rogen?
Mandy: Yeah, you know like Seth Rogen.
Matt: Oh, ok. Look, I brought the movie.
Mandy: Oh, good.
*I order the pizza, put the movie in the DVD player and we sit on the couch.*
Matt: *Looking at the magazines on my coffee table* Wow, you even have magazines with Seth Rogen on the cover.
Mandy: Yeah, whenever I see him on a magazine cover I pick it up.
Matt: Oh.

So, the pizza gets delivered, we eat and watch the rest of the movie.

Matt: Well, I'm going to go. I have a lot of stuff to get together for work.
Mandy: Oh, OK. Are you sure?
Matt: Yeah. I'll call you later.

And I never heard from him again. Then, my friend Jeremy called me a couple of days later...

Jeremy: So, how did it go with Mexican Seth Rogen?
Mandy: I thought it went OK, but I haven't heard from him?
Jeremy: Really, that's weird.
Mandy: I know.
Jeremy: What did y'all do?
I recapped everything from the movie to the pizza to the quick exit.
Jeremy: Oh my God Mandy. Do you still have your Seth Rogen Magazines out?
Mandy: Yes.
Jeremy: And y'all were watching a Seth Rogen movie?
Mandy: Yes.
Jeremy: And your little dog Rogen was sitting on the couch with y'all?
Mandy: Yes.
Jeremy: Mandy, Hun, you creeped that poor boy out.
Mandy: What? No way.
Jeremy: Think about it, you told him he looked like Seth Rogen, you invited him over to your house where you have a borderline shrine to him.
Mandy: Oh wow, I never thought about that. I think this is the first time I've ever been creepy.
Oh my God, do you think he was counting the minutes until the end of the movie so he could get out of my house before I boiled his bunny?
Jeremy: I wouldn't doubt it.
Mandy: Well, that just sucks.

I've never been creepy girl before. I've always been awesome Mandy that drinks beer and can out raunch guys.

Oh well.

Until next time...

Mandy

Wow...

2009-08-11T09:37:00.003-06:00

I can't believe it's almost been a month since my last post. Sorry it's taken me so long to get on here, but I've been a busy little girl lately. I'll give you the rundown...

1. My bestie and her husband have split up. This is the main reason I haven't posted anything lately. The majority of my free time has been with her.

2. I've been out of town the past two weekends. Last weekend I went to New Braunfels with Tish and her mom and we did the whole "tubin' the river" or if I'm being honest "walking on slimy rocks because the river was so low that floating was not an option because Texas hasn't seen a good rain in I don't know how long." You should have seen my legs, I looked like someone beat me with a stick. Then, this past weekend, I went to Wimberley, TX with Terra to visit her dad. I've decided that if I was going to live in a small town, it would be Wimberley, TX. We went to Jacob's Well, which was all slimy because of the lack of rain and then we went to The Blue Hole. Then we went back to Terra's dad's house and sat in the hot tub (the water was more luke warm than hot, which was fine because it was hotter than hell outside.) for like 4 hours. Then, on Sunday, we left Wimberley and went to Austin to visit my friend Laura and her sexy, sexy boyfriend. We stayed there for about an hour and a half then headed back to H-Town. (Actually, we headed back to Friendswood which is a suburb of Houston where Terra lives.)

So, there you have it. I finally posted something. Check back later in the week, I have a couple of stories to tell. One includes me with a broom looking like a Samurai Warrior and the other includes me possibly creeping a young man out.

Until next time...

Mandy

P.S. Happy 300th post to me!!!

2009-07-14T18:33:00.008-06:00

I went out with my friend JoLyn Saturday night for her birthday. Since it was her birthday, I told her I would be the designated driver or as I was referred to all night...The DD. So, I was the only one that didn't have any alcohol...and it was a seriously eye opening experience.

To all of you who have been sober around me when I've had one too many of the adult beverages....Please accept my most sincere apology. Seriously, I damn near turned Native American Saturday night, I was almost a member of the Slapaho tribe. When I told JoLyn, "Wow, you're being really loud." She said to me...

"Bitsh, pleash. You're the loudesht bitsh ever when you drink!"

After she said this, I first wiped the little bit of spittle of my face and then I realized...she's right. When we went to see the Wooden Birds, apparently I was a loud bitch...so much so that when I said something, the lead singer gave me a weird look. I will say this though, at least I'm a happy drunk. Thank God my friends and I are not boo hoo crying drunks. Those are the worst kind. So, again, I will apologize for past and future obnoxious drunkeness.

In the meantime, here are some pictures from Saturday night...

This is the beginning of the evening.

Here are the three of us. The girl on the left is Sasha...it was her 21st birthday. This was about halfway through the night

One of the drunkards got let loose with the camera. They said, "Smile Amanda!" And as you can see, they almost cut me out of the pictures.

As stated in my Twitter update, I did use jazz hands all weekend!

And here we are at the end of the evening. One thing I didn't realize about drunken friends...they sweat...A LOT! When this picture was being taken, I was in the process of saying, "ARGHHH, Y'all are both sweaty and moist...GET OFF ME!!!"

I'm mostly joking...I love these two girls and I will be happy to be their DD any time.

Until next time...

Mandy

Which Team Will It Be???

2009-07-09T19:19:00.002-06:00

If you are a woman and you have ever been single, there has been a time in your life when you say to yourself...

"Fuck it, fuck this, fuck men...I'm gonna be a lesbian."

And I'm almost to this point.

Don't be surprised if the next time you see me I'm wearing a flirtatious flannel, fabulous fanny pack and jammin' the hell out of some Sophie B. Hawkins "Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover."

I'll still wear makeup though...I can't give up my red lipstick!

Until next time...

Mandy

Just The Monitors???

2009-07-08T11:46:00.002-06:00

I received a couple of comments yesterday regarding the burglars taking just the monitors. After we looked around some more, we noticed some other things missing...

Four 17" flat screen monitors
One cordless drill
One VCR
One car battery quick-start something or other
One Budweiser neon sign
One broken cell phone

Yep, they made out like BANDITS!

Most likely it was kids or some random meth-head, who knows.

I'd kind of like to thank them...Boss lady replaced all the 17" monitors with 23" monitors. When you use a 23" monitor, it's like stuff just hits you in the face.

I already know...you have total monitor envy...it's OK, I would too.

Until next time...

Mandy

Not a Good Way To Start the Day.

2009-07-07T11:46:00.004-06:00

I get to work this morning and I walk through the door and the conversation goes like this...

Boss man: Don't touch anything.
Me: What are you talking about?
Boss man: We've been robbed!!!
Me: What?
Boss man: Look around, all the monitors are gone.
Me: Oh my God, how did they get in here.
Boss man: They broke the window in your office and came in that way.
Me: Wow, that sucks!

My boss' wife goes and buys new monitors and the police came out and looked at everything blah, blah, blah. The worst part is, the rain picks today to come. So, Houston, TX is beyond humid. AND, since there is a big hole in the window in my office, that means that all the humidity is making itself at home in my office. Want proof... This is my hair normally. Straight and shiny! This is what I looked like when I left my house this morning. This look makes me happy. :)

This is my look today. Not straight, not shiny...it's borderline 'froish. This look does not make me happy. :(

I hope y'all are having a better day than I am.

Until next time...

Mandy

Live Music, Old Friends, New Friends and Beer

2009-07-06T07:39:00.005-06:00

LOTS OF BEER.

Here is my weekend in pictures...

Laura and me. We have known each other since the 4th grade. She now lives in Austin but she was in Houston on Thursday night because her boyfriend's band was playing at Walter's On Washington.

This is Laura's boyfriend, Jody. He is total sexiness! (Good job, Laura!)

Here are The Wooden Birds on stage. There wasn't an ugly one amongst them...the guy with the guitar is quite hot.

This was strange...all of the girls were wearing black shirts, blue jeans (laura was wearing jean shorts) ond converse.

D.G., a.k.a. Hoochie, and me. I have known her since 1992.

Terra and me.

Uh oh...look who else met us out. It is none other than Sublime Enigma. We have been reading each other's blogs since 2007. Now that we've hung out once we will have to do it again. And seriously, how cute is he???

This is JoLyn and me. We went out Saturday night, because what better way to celebrate Independence Day than drinking and dancing at a bar.

This is Abraham and me. We went to high school together, he was also my boy in my senior dance. Bless his heart, he actually lifted me back in 1994. (I was much smaller back then) He is now in a country band called Misbehavin. They play a good mixture of old country and new country. Abraham even threw in a little Motown, "These Arms of Mine." If you're into country music and you live in or around the Houston area you should check his band out.

So there you have it. The holiday was great, but now it's back to work to recover from the weekend.

Until next time...

Mandy

And They Wonder Why

2009-06-24T14:06:00.004-06:00

Republicans wonder why people are leaving the party...I'll tell you why people are leaving...because all of the elected officials are effing hypocrites.

I am so SICK of every time a friggin' political sex scandal happens, it's a member of the Republican party. You know, the party that says it stands for "Family Values." Last time I checked, valuing your family did not include screwing around on your wife!

And

The party that stresses that marriage should be defined as "one man and one woman." Isn't it funny how many gay sex scandals have happened over the past couple of years and they've all been Republicans.

Here's my advice...

Put down your guns...No one is going to take your right to bear arms away from you.

Let abortion go...Even if Roe vs. Wade is overturned, abortions are still going to happen. Just illegally and women will end up dying. I understand that you don't believe in abortion, all I have to say is...DON'T HAVE ONE! Or, if you are that adamant about abortion being illegal, you need to put your name on the "would like to adopt an unwanted baby list."

Get off the marriage high horse. If two men want to get married, LET THEM...THEY ARE NOT HURTING ANYONE! And, if you are still worried about the "sanctity of marriage" then you need to outlaw divorce and adultery.

And finally...

Quit letting the Religious Right control our party.

We need to get back to what the Republican Party once stood for...MORE PEOPLE, LESS GOVERNMENT!

Seriously, if things don't start changing within our party, there will be one less member in Texas...I should probably start researching Libertarians.

Until next time...

Mandy

A Story That Always Makes Me Laugh

2009-06-22T12:54:00.002-06:00

I will not be naming any names in this story, when you get done reading it you'll understand why.

There was a time when I went through a "cowgirl phase." I wore Rocky Mountains and Ropers and went dancing every weekend and for some reason I was extremely attracted to guys in Wranglers with the phrase "Grand Champion Steer" written on their belt buckle. My BFF at the time introduced me to this world...She also introduced me to two team ropers, we'll call them Header and Heeler...because that's what you do when you team rope...one ropes the head (The Header) and one ropes the back feet (The Heeler.) Now, let me tell you this one little tidbit of information, BFF and I were borderline stalkers. We knew which roping arena these guys were at every night of the week. If there was a small rodeo...we were there. And, if they weren't at a roping arena, then our mission for the night was to find them...and we usually did. (Our stalking abilities at 18 years old were astounding.) Oh, don't get me wrong, they'd throw us a bone every now and then and come and visit us, but it was usually us hunting them down...like dogs.

So, one night BFF got a page (does this tell you how long ago this was.) and it was The Ropers. So, we invited them over to my house. Now, the way my old house was set up was...

Street
Circular Driveway
Grandparents House and Carport
Sidewalk and Swimming Pool
My house

So, we had the guys pull up in front of the carport...right under the enormous, motion activated flood light, right next to my grandfather's bedroom window.

So, the guys are there and BFF is talking to Header while Heeler and I are sitting on the tailgate of the truck, and I notice that BFF and Header have gotten in the cab of the truck and then Heeler leans over and kisses me. So, he and I started making out. Then out of nowhere, my mother power walks up to the truck...

Mom: MANDY...GET OVER HERE NOW!
Mandy: What?
Mom: These boys have to leave...NOW!
Mandy: What, why?
Mom: Because, your grandmother just called to inform me that Paw Paw just saw BFF giving Header a blow job.
Mandy: WHAT!?!?!?!?
Mom: That's right...So, get them out of here...NOW!

Mandy: (Knocking on the door of the truck) BFF, Header and Heeler have to go.
BFF: Why?
Mandy: Because Paw Paw just saw you going down on Header.
BFF: Just tell him I had my head in his lap.
Mandy: Dude, your head was bobbing up and down...what am I supposed to tell him, that Header was tapping his foot to the beat of the music???

Let me tell you, this was not funny at the time...but looking back on it now, Mom, BFF and I will laugh until we have tears rolling down our faces.

Until next time...

Mandy

Can I Call You Eddie?

2009-06-18T11:07:00.002-06:00

I got a phone call from Oscar, A.K.A. Vegan, last night and I thought I was going to pee my pants I was laughing so hard by the end of the conversation. It went a little something like this...

Oscar: So, I walked into this store today that sold prints and posters and things like that over off of West Alabama.
Me: Oh yeah, did you find anything?
Oscar: I asked the guy if they had anything with pinups on it or Bettie Page. (This is why Oscar and I are such good friends. We both have an unhealthy obsession with Ms. Page. The only reason he started talking to me...MY BANGS!) And the guy looked at me like I was crazy and said no all rude.
Me: Really, that's not cool.
Oscar: So, I pointed to one of the pictures and said, "How much is this?"And the guy looked at me and said, "It's very expensive."
Me: NO SIR, he went all Pretty Woman on you?
Oscar: Yeah, and then I said, "Well how much is it?" and the guy said, "$4000, it's an original." I almost pulled out my American Express to buy it, just to take it back tomorrow.
Me: So, what did you do?
Oscar: I walked out.
Me: You know what you should do?
Oscar: What?
Me: You should put your suit on tomorrow and go in there with a big, bunch of bags and say, "You work on commission, right?"
Oscar: (Laughing) Big Mistake. Huge. I've got more shopping to do.
Me: It's a good thing we don't live close to each other...we would SOOO be doing that this weekend!

Until next time...

Mandy

Hotter than Hell

2009-06-16T11:53:00.003-06:00

You want to know what's hotter than hell...HOUSTON, TX. It is ninety-effin'-four degrees in Houston, TX today, and that's actual temperature...that's not "feels like" temperature. The "feels like" temperature is ONE HUNDRED DEGREES! That's right folk, we are only in the third week in June and we are already approaching triple digits and there is no rain in sight. I'm no meteorologist, but the weather being this warm does not give me warm fuzzies about hurricane season. The warmer the gulf, the more severe the storms. I have a feeling the phrase "sweating like a whore in church" will be used quite frequently this summer.

Until next time...

Mandy

I Have Never Been an XS

2009-06-09T07:51:00.002-06:00

For the two men out there that read my blog, an XS is an Extra-Small in women's clothing. And guess what, I have NEVER been an XS. I have always had a bubble butt and large thighs. I mean look at that picture at the top of my blog, even as a little girl I had big thighs. And you know what, I have a feeling there are WAY more women like me than there are Kate Mosses in the world.

Saturday, I was watching The Fashion Show on Bravo. I have become addicted to this show and fallen even more in love with Isaac Mizrahi. (I watched a documentary on him several years ago and he did an entire winter line using Nanook of the North as his inspiration. He also had an entire line of clothes at Target, and who doesn't love Target?) Anyway, the last episode had the designers designing outfits for "real women." When Isaac and Kelly Rowland announced this, you would have thought they were asking these people to design clothes for an entire leper colony. If you look at the women that were modeling the clothes, you will see that they are not that big. I think the largest on was a size 14, which last I heard, was the average size for a woman in America. One woman said that her favorite part of her body was her butt and when they took the measurements, her hips were like 42". And you know what, GOD BLESS HER! These designers were complaining that they had to pad their dress forms and one even started crying. Then there was James-Paul, who actually said things like a real woman's body doesn't inspire him and he actually said that this challenge was like "...asking Jesus Christ to work with Satan." (After those comments, I say eff you! I'm ready for him to go home!) This is the problem people. Designers need to finally realize that women are not only thin, but they are also curvy, large busted, small busted, long legged, short-waisted, broad shouldered, etc... I really wish department stores, buyers, and designers would realize that just because a woman is larger than a 10, it doesn't automatically mean that she wants to wear elasto-pants, broomstick skirts and denim vests with children holding hands embroidered across the back. Guess what, wanting to feel pretty and sexy is not exclusive to women who are thin.

Until next time...

Mandy

GO BIG GIRL, GO BIG GIRL, GO!

2009-06-03T07:33:00.003-06:00

Saturday night I had to attend a high school drill team banquet. I have only been to one of these since we started the alumni association back in 2003, but they asked me to go since it was my last year. Let me say this, banquets are NO fun once you've graduated. They give all these silly awards that are funny when you're a member of the team but make absolutely no sense if you you're not. They do a Remember When" thing, here are a couple of sentences that were said that my jaw nearly hit the table...

"Remember when Molly farted at officer camp?"
"Remember when Holly blew a snot bubble during practice?"
"Remember when Polly SHARTED during practice?"

Let me say this, if I was Molly, Holly or Polly, I would have kicked someone's ass. I am not even joking. I would have asked my date to hold my purse, I would have jumped out of my chair and started beating on these girls.

Anyway, so after all the awards were handed out and the slide show began, we all ducked out and headed to Stetson's, a country bar. Now, we have just left a banquet so we are all wearing dresses and heels...we are way dressier than the rest of the patrons at the bar. I do need to point this out, of my group, I was the oldest and largest. We find a spot and order drinks and I notice this guy standing a couple of people down from me at the bar and I think to myself, "He's cute! But, he looks pretty young." So, we're all laughing and having a good time then the "boogie down" music comes on, so we decide to get on the floor and shake our groove thang for a minute. Once the country music starts again we make our way off the floor and I go and grab my drink and cute guy comes up to our group and says, "Would you like to dance?" And I look at Alicia, waiting for her answer and he says, "No, you." When I look at him I say, "Oh, me?" Then he grabbed my hand and led me on the dance floor. So, once the song was over we said our thank you's for the dance and went back to our spots at the bar. Then around 1a Jolyn said there was another bar she wanted to go to, so we started closing out tabs and finishing drinks. Then, cute guy was standing across the bar from us and he said, "You in the white dress..." and Jolynn looked at Alicia and said, "He's talking to you." and Alicia said, "I'm not wearing a white dress, he's talking to Amanda." And when I looked up, he asked me to come over there. We talked for a moment and he told me how cute, pretty, blah, blah, blah I was and he asked me for my phone number. That's when I asked him..."How old are you?" I expected him to say 22, but he said, "I'm 27." So, I start thinking, "That's not THAT much younger than me." So, I give him my phone number. The rest of my group grabs me and we leave. We go to the other bar, have time for one drink and one dance then it's time to go.

Once I get back to Jolyn's house, my phone starts buzzing...it's cute guy texting me. Then, cute guy calls me and we talk until about 3:30am.

And he's been texting and calling since Saturday. He seems like a nice guy and he's funny, so we'll see what happens.

Oh, and you know how I said that 27 didn't seem that much younger than me, well the other night he said something about when he graduated...2000! That's when it hit me, this guy wasn't even born until 1982...I WAS IN THE FIRST GRADE! Oh well, maybe I'll try being a cougar for a while.

Until next time...

Mandy

Thank You Laura!

2009-06-01T12:12:00.001-06:00

OH MY GOD! Laura posted this video on facebook and I nearly fell out of my chair. Watch it, you won't be disappointed!

Until next time...

Mandy

Where Do You Go?

2009-05-26T09:19:00.003-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, Kathryn and I decided to take the Friday before Memorial Day off and go out that Thursday night. We were calling it our..."MAN HUNT!"

We decided that we needed to branch out into a different area of the city, so we chose Midtown. We decided to start out at Sammy's 2016 Main, the reason we were starting there was because there was a band playing that I have read about and had wanted to check them out...The Spazmatics. OK, if you are in or around the Houston area YOU MUST GO AND SEE THESE GUYS! Not only are they hysterical, they are very talented. We figure since this is an 80's new wave cover band, there will probably be some over-thirties in the audience. So, we walk in and head to the bar get a couple of beers and look around that's when I noticed it...there was nowhere to sit, and I don't mean all the table were taken, no, THERE WERE NO TABLES. So, we're like, "OK, let's find a spot to stand." The band comes on stage and opens the show with "Take On Me" by Aha and as I'm drinking my beer, I start looking around at the people standing near me...they all look to be in their early 20's. I think to myself, "Y'all weren't even born when this song was popular...y'all don't even remember when MTV actually played music videos, for crying out loud, y'all don't even know what life was like without MTV. So, I'm watching the band and having a good time singing along and laughing when this little bitch comes and stands in front of me and her BACKPACK PURSE starts hitting me in the chest. (Really, a backpack purse. Sweetie, if you're trying to be "retro" for the show, you're in the wrong decade. The backpack purse wasn't even around until 1994...I know, I had one.) Anyway, this girl starts jumping up and down and hitting me with her stupid purse so I finally put my hand on her back and gently push her forward. By the end of the first set, people were crammed in the place and Kathryn and I decided to try a different local.

As we are walking back to the car, we have to walk past a line of taxis and all the drivers are standing outside their cars. Then, one of the drivers looks us both up and down and says, "Mmm mmm MMMM, y'all are two HEALTHY girls!" To which I reply, "That's what I've been told."

So, we get in the car and decide to go to Poison Girl. (Sadly, this Montrose area, hole in the wall bar doesn't have a website.) I love Poison Girl. It's a very cool bar that has a wall of pinball machines and a jukebox with nothing but music by Texas artists. BUT, Thursday night it seemed to be overrun with "hipsters." You know the type of people I'm speaking of...skinny jeans, greasy looking hair, they don't listen to bands that are actually played on the radio, they act like they are above having money. I realized Thursday night, I am not hip enough to hang with the hipsters....I'm a Fanilow for goodness sake. (A fan of Barry Manilow.) Kathryn brought to my attention that one of the guys we were standing next to on the patio did not have a very aromatic essence. (He stunk of B.O.) We drank our beers and decided to call it a night.

So, here's my question...Where do all the over-thirties go in Houston? Surely Kathryn and I are not the last ones that aren't married.

Until next time...

Mandy

You Are Not Helping

2009-05-19T08:20:00.003-06:00

I've said before that I read a lot of blogs, and some of them are "mommy blogs." But, the mommy blogs I read don't just talk about their kids, they talk about politics, current events, jobs, etc. Now, what I'm about to say might offend some people.

If these moms treat their kids the way they talk about treating their kids, this world is headed for trouble. Here are some thoughts from a child-free by choice person...

1. You are not the first woman to ever give birth.

Seriously, women have been shootin' out babies since the beginning of time. I understand that child birth is a "miracle" but women have babies EVERY DAY! I read one woman's blog (who doesn't work, her blog is her job.) who said, "I might not post every day, you know, because I'm 7 months pregnant." I don't give a rat's ass. If that's your job, then that's your job. I worked with a woman who went to work every day and even went into labor at work. All you do is sit there and write, and I'm sure you have a laptop so you could probably sit in your bed and write.

2. My child is special!

NO THEY ARE NOT! Unless your child graduated from Harvard at 12 years old, they are not special. Now, don't get me wrong, my mother told me and my sister when we were growing up that we were special TO HER. I feel like these mothers are doing their children a disservice. If they continue to tell their kids how "special" they are, then these kids are gonna grow up thinking that everyone should treat them "special." And, you know as well as I do, that NO ONE gets special treatment in an entry-level job.

3. Is my oldest child still going to feel loved when the second child arrives?

The only way your oldest child is going to feel unloved is if you ship them off to live with someone else. I just read that a woman started SOBBING at the doctor's office when he told her she was in labor. She was worried that her son would quit loving her. WHAT? Seriously. I know I don't have kids, but this just seems irrational. My thought is...if you're that worried about it, don't have a second child.

Now, before you start leaving comments on how I don't know what I'm talking about because I don't have kids, just know that these are my opinions. And believe me, hearing things like, "I can't get to work on time....I'm a mom now." are really irritating to those of us who aren't "a mom now."

Until next time...

Mandy

You Dropped Something

2009-05-11T08:20:00.004-06:00

I don't know if you've noticed, but weird stuff happens to me ALL. THE. TIME. Friday, Karen's comment made me laugh...because something similar happened to me.

I think I was 22 years old and Latischia and I were at a bar. (I know this is a shocking statement.) (Most of my stories start with, "So & So and I were at a bar..." and I know this sounds horrible, but I don't have a drinking problem...really.) So, Tish and I are standing next to the dance floor, drinking and having a good time.

Now, I'm about to go in a T.M.I. direction, but I do believe it is needed for the story...There is not a lot about myself that I will toot my own horn about, but, when it comes to my boobs, well...toot toot! Seriously, they are awesome, I've actually been asked if they were real. And I'm not being "conceded" girl or "Oooh, look at me" girl, they really are fabulous. Ask Tish, she always has to poke at them and tell me how much they piss her off. You see, I'm 33 years old and when I take my bra off...YOU CAN'T TELL! That's right, they are P.E.R.K.Y! But I always wear padded bras, not because I need to add volume to the girls, but because the right one is pierced and if I wear a bra that isn't padded, then you can see the ring and it's all weird looking and I had one guy ask me if I had three nipples at one time...so padded bras just make more sense. So, if you wear padded bras then you know that they always come with these hidden pockets on the inside and the hidden pockets have the little shoulder pad shaped inserts.

Anyway, so Tish and I are drinking and having a good time at this bar that plays country music and I notice this guy standing near us. He was uber hot! I kept glancing over at him and he kept looking at me and then a song by Travis Tritt comes on...T-R-O-U-B-L-E and once we hear that song we both go, "Wooooooooo, let's go jitterbug!" (Have you ever been to a country bar and watched the girls that dance together...that's Tish and me.) So we're out there dancing , and I'm spinning at the speed of light. Seriously, smoke is coming from our feet because we are turning so fast! My hair is whipping me in the face and we're laughing and woo'ing. I start thinking, "Now that this guy knows I can dance, maybe he'll ask me to two-step with him. Then, after the song was over, we walk off the dance floor, barely able to breathe. I pick up my Miller Lite (that's what I drank back then.) and I felt this tap on my shoulder and I turned around. IT WAS HOT GUY!!! I look at him and say hi and he says hi back and then a smirk creeps on his face and he says..."You dropped something out there." And when I looked, it was the damn insert to my bra. I walked on the dance floor picked it up and shoved it in my pocket, looked at Tish and said, "We've got to move."

So, the moral to this story is...Take the damn inserts out of your bra before you go dancing!

Until next time...

Mandy

Supermodels

2009-05-10T09:08:00.004-06:00

I am hooked on the show "Make Me a Supermodel." I LOVE it! But, when I was watching it yesterday, I started thinking, "These people don't hold a candle to the supermodels of the early 90's."

And, you know, they couldn't pull this off...

George Michael - Freedom '90

BEST. VIDEO. EVER!

Until next time...

Mandy

Happy Mother's Day!

2009-05-08T11:32:00.002-06:00

Since Mother's Day is this Sunday, I thought I would link back to a post from 2007 I wrote about my mom. I could write all day long about the awesomeness that is Carol, but talking about Velcro in the last post made me remember a humorous little tale starring Carol and Nanny.

Picture it, Channelview 1988.

In 1988 I was in the 6th grade and in Channelview 6th grade is still in elementary school. Well, some of the girls in my class, me included, petitioned to get the school to have a 6th grade dance. We told the principal that we were graduating from children to teenagers and this was the last year we would all be in the same classes, blah, blah, blah. So, the principal allowed us to have a school dance in the cafeteria. We decided that we wanted the dance to be nice so we had originally decided to have a semi-formal, then some stupid people decided they wanted it to be a sock hop. I mean really, who ends the year with a sock hop! So, we had half the girls in semi-formals and the other half in poodle skirts. I decided that I wanted to go semi-formal and I wanted my Nanny to make my dress! So, Mom and I went to Hancock's fabric and picked out a dress pattern and material. The dress was tea-length and it had a low, scooped back and it had lace on the sleeves and it was...MAUVE! (I have no idea why I was on a mauve kick in 6th grade. Seriously, what was I thinking and why would my mother let me pick out such a horrible color. I guess it was just par for the course since I was also rockin' a mullet back in those days!) (Seriously Mom, how did you keep a straight face when you told me I looked pretty back then?) Anyway, Nanny got to work on the dress and it turned out really good. (As good as a mauve dress can turn out.) There was only one problem. Because of the scooped back, the shoulders of the dress kept sliding down my arms. So, Mom and Nanny tried to find a solution to the problem. Then, I believe it was Nanny came up with this idea...

Let's get some sticky Velcro and we'll stick one side of the Velcro to the inside shoulders of the dress and we'll stick the other side of the Velcro to Mandy's shoulders!

Apparently, they both thought this was a brilliant idea.

So, the night of the dance came and I felt BEAUTIFUL! I mean, who wouldn't, with my mauve dress and bitchin' mullet. (Seriously, the dress was really pretty...I just don't like mauve anymore.) So, I have my dress on and Nanny sticks the Velcro on me and you know what...IT WORKED. So, my mom took me to the dance and everyone was all, "Ooooh I like your dress, where did you get it?" I was all, "Oh, my grandmother made it." and they were all, "Oh wow, you look really pretty." I was all, "Thanks!" But in my head I was thinking, "I know look FINE!" (Because that's what we used to say in the late 80's..."Ooooh, look at him...he is FINE!") So, the dance is going really well. I've had my punch and being a Southern Belle in training, totally ignore the food and then I decide that I'm going to dance. Well, guess what happens when you dance...you start to sweat. Guess what doesn't stick to moist skin...sticky Velcro. About two hours into the dance, the shoulders of my dress are sliding down my arms and half way through Salt & Peppa's "Push It" someone asks me, what is that square thing? The Velcro that had been attached to my shoulder had slid on the moist skin and was now visible. I just grabbed it and said, "I don't know...a sticker of some sort."

I've never used Velcro since

To all of the mothers out there Happy Mother's Day!

Until next time...

Mandy

Velcro Head

2009-05-08T07:31:00.003-06:00

One of the first things that drew me to Rogen at the pound was his curly fur. It reminded me of my hair, before I found the awesomeness that is the Chi flatiron. If you have naturally curly hair, you know that it acts like the scratchy side of Velcro. EVERYTHING GET STUCK IN IT! I have had paper stuck in my hair, I've walked past a nail sticking out of the wall and my hair got stuck on it, and hands have gotten tangled in it. Once, when I was a freshman in high school, a hot stick got lost in it.

While I was playing FarmTown last night (I am totally addicted to this game. If you are on facebook, start playing it and request me to be your neighbor!) and I looked up and noticed Rogen laying on the end of the couch and he had something in his hair. I stood up and noticed a pile of torn up paper towel on the floor. When I walked over to it, I looked at him and he looked at me. If he was able to talk I think he would have said, "What, I didn't do that." But I know he did. I called him over to look at the mess...

Those yellow flip flops are what I wear when I walk Rogen. I know they look disgusting, but go look at your flip flops...I bet they don't look much better. Oh, and that bag is full of clothes that need to be dropped off at the Goodwill.
He was totally oblivious to the fact that he had evidence stuck on his head.

Until next time...

Mandy

TEXAS HAS A WHOREHOUSE IN IT!

2009-05-05T13:03:00.002-06:00

Lord have mercy on our souls!

What the hell is going on? First Bea Arthur, now Dom Deluise.

I don't care what anyone says, whenever I think of Dom Deluise I will always picture him like this...

R.I.P. Dom Deluise!

Until next time...

Mandy

Remember When I Said...

2009-05-04T11:41:00.009-06:00

That last year was going to be my LAST YEAR to perform with the alumni group and teach the tap dance? Well, guess what...I went back this year and made sure that this would be MY LAST YEAR! (I'm on the fence about the tap dance since she pays me to do that)

Back in September, I called the president of our little association and told her we needed to get the executive board together and decide what we wanted to do with my position. She then proceeded to tell me..."I'm pregnant!" After thinking about the organization being down two board members this year, I told them I would do "ONE MORE TIME. But, that was it! After this year I would not be returning.) So, the first practice we had elections and as of June 1, 2009, I am no longer the association's secretary. Woo Hoo! I could tell that I shouldn't have come back this year, my hear was not in it, but we got through it and then all of the alumni got together at a bar after the last show. Here are a few pictures from the show and the after party.

This is the Alumni Association at dress rehearsal.

This is us dancing in the show. (I'm the last one on the right in the front row.)

Still dancing. (That's me on the left)

We even had a pregnant girl perform this year! (I was telling the baby, "HELLOOOO!")

About to sing some Karaoke! (My bangs have grown back nicely, don't ya think?)

Here I am with two of the other alumni girls singing "Holla Back Girl" It was quite comical since Alicia's husband signed us up without us knowing. The only part of that song I know is there is something about Bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

So, there you have it. My last year as an alumni officer. I told them next year I will be sitting in the front row and I will do a lot of woo'ing for them...then I will meet them at the bar!

Until next time...

Mandy

The Month from Hell - circa 1991

2009-05-01T08:19:00.003-06:00

If you read my last post, you know that April has not been one of the best months for me. When I start thinking that life is out to get me, all I have to do is think about all that happened to my mother in June of 1991.

1. The washing machine stopped working.
2. The dryer stopped working.
3. There was a torrential down pour on her way home from work one day.
a. She drove her car in high water and it stalled out...ON MONROE!
b. She left her car in a parking lot...ON MONROE!
c. When she went to pick her car up, all the windows had been shot out.
d. The insurance company told her that she would have to file two separate claims.
e. She had to pay two separate deductables.
4. The frydaddy exploded.
5. The air conditioner stopped working.

Yes, all of this happened in one month.

So, next time you feel as though life is kicking your ass...just think of Carol. That's what I do.

Until next time...

Mandy

Life has been rather rough lately.

2009-04-30T08:32:00.002-06:00

I feel as if life is not on my side lately. I'll give you the rundown.

Friday, April 17, 2009 - I did my monthly weigh-in and found that I had gained two pounds and an inch. ARGHHH! When I got home I found a notice on my door saying that there would be a crew working on the apartments. The would be scraping paint off the outside, but we did not need to remove anything from our patios. (This comes into play later in this post.)

Saturday, April 18, 2009 - I understand about April showers bringing May flowers, but the rain storm we got on the 18th was RI-GOD DAMN-DICULOUS! The parking lot of my apartment flooded all the way to the frame of my car and we lost power for a couple of hours. There is only so much you can talk to your dog about. I looked around my apartment and saw all the liquor on my "booze cart" and then I realized..."Damn, I don't have anything to mix any of that with." (I am not a big enough booze hound to drink liquor straight.) So, I took a candle over to my fridge and found I had one Smirnoff Ice. Luckily, the lights came on after I finished milking the Smirnoff. The parking lot was still flooded, so I put a bottle of wine in fridge and had a couple of glasses while I watch "The Holiday."

Friday, April 24, 2009 - I didn't get home until 10:30p and my mom was at my apartment watching Rogen. (I didn't come home after work, so she came by, let him out of his kennel, walked him and stayed at my house until I got home.) While I was driving home, another rainstorm came through the Houston area. So, this time I wasn't sitting at my home watching the rain, I WAS DRIVING IN IT. (Here's a Mandy fun fact: I HATE DRIVING IN RAIN! It makes me a nervous wreck!) I finally get home and start to turn in my parking lot and low and behold...THE PARKING LOT IS FLOODED AGAIN! So, I drive to the parking lot next door, I park in front of one of the stores and decide to walk next to the building, under the awning and then run from the side of the building to my apartment. Once I get to the end of the building I realize...There's a fucking wall built so I have to walk back around the wall and make a run for it. So, I start running and find out that the patch of grass between the strip center and my apartments has ankle deep water. So, I'm running, in ballet flats, in ankle deep water, trying not to get splashed by the idiot drivers going down Nasa Road 1 and I finally make it to the apartment's property, that's when I noticed the water was no longer up to my ankles...it was half-way up my shin. (I probably should mention the lightning. I just knew that a lightning bolt was going to strike me while I was standing in shin deep water!) I finally made it to my front door, I was drenched, I was out of breathe and I was sure that my Ed Hardy purse had been ruined! (Luckily, it dried out and is just fine!)

Monday, April 27, 2009 - I get home from work and notice that a lot of paint has been scraped off my apartment. I think to myself, "Hmmm, I wonder when they're going to paint?" I walk into my home, go up the stairs, let Rogen out of his Kennel and notice something odd...The shelf hanging on the wall is empty. I walk over to where it is hanging and find everything that was on the shelf is now on the floor...AND BROKEN! A ballerina music box that was a gift from my mother, a porcelain ballet slipper, a candle holder and a lead crystal clock. I decided to investigate...I walked outside and noticed that there was a board with no paint on it in the same spot as the shelf. I have called my apartments and apparently I have to contact the regional manager. I'm not sure what they can do, but you don't expect to come home and find your things broken on the floor.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 - I am sitting on my couch watching Dancing with the Stars and DVR'ing 90210 and all of a sudden my electricity goes out. I think to myself, "Hmmm, it's not raining, I wonder what the problem is." So, I take Rogen outside and we try to get to the bottom of what's going on. Come to find out, an electrical wire has caught on fire and blew out a transformer. (This is how it was explained to me.) So, I call my mom and tell her what's going on and she tells me to get Rogen and come over to her house. So, I have to get my stuff together...contact case, glasses, face cleaner, contact solution, hair brush and ROGEN'S KENNEL. It really isn't easy trying to get a kennel in the backseat of a mustang, but somehow I did it...YAY ME! We arrive at the mother's home and luckily she has DVR'ed Dancing with the Stars, but not 90210. Around 10p I go to sleep on her couch.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 - I wake up, let Rogen out of his kennel, fix a cup of coffee, take Rogen outside, come back in, stretch with my arms up in the air, and then...PAIN! I have thrown my back out...BY STRETCHING! So, I call into work and end up spending the entire day laying on my couch.

I'm at work today...I hope your life is going better than mine.

Until next time...

Mandy

A Work in Progress

2009-04-22T14:19:00.002-06:00

Saturday night, I was sitting at home and flipping through the channels. The only thing that was on that looked remotely interesting was The Holiday. I know what you're thinking, "Yuck, sappy chick flick!" And you are right, it was a sappy chick flick, but I am a chick and I sometimes like my flicks of the sappy variety. There was a line in the movie that struck me...

"in the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend. "

And this statement is absolutely true! You should be the leading lady of your life, and I think I was at one time. There was a time when I wouldn't leave the house without being presentable, sitting at home on the weekends was not an option and I had no clue what fear of rejection meant. Somewhere down the line I lost myself and I'm not sure when and where that happened. It seems like as I've gotten older I have become frumpy and boring and have gotten in the habit of thinking that something extraordinary is going to happen to me while I'm sitting in my apartment playing with my dog.

This is no longer acceptable. It is time to let go of the regrets, the what if's, and the why not me's. I am done feeling sorry for myself. I will not wait for life to come and find me. I AM GOING TO BE THE LEADING LADY IN MY LIFE!

I was telling Lyndon about how this one line brought on this "epiphany" and he asked me, "So, what's the name of the movie that is your life?" And you know what, I'm not sure what the name should be or what it will end up being, but for right now, I'll just call it "A Work In Progress."

Until next time...

Mandy

Mad Libs Monday

2009-04-19T10:04:00.004-06:00

This Monday our guest Mad Libber is Mr. Sublime Enigma.

THE PROM

If there's a melody you can't seem to get out of your ear or a song running through your big toe, then bring your feet to this year's greedy prom. As usual, our carrot will be held in our high school queen. A dress code will be observed. No one will be admitted wearing jumpy or torn swings. Girls must wear a castle and boys must wear a dress shirt and a vagina. As always, hot walnuts will be served, and there will be infectious prizes and an award for the best jumping couple. The blue dance committee is also proud to announce that every girl who attends will receive a shoe to pin to her horse, and every boy will receive a complimentary gnome.

Thank you Mr. Enigma.

If you'd like to participate, leave a message with your email address. And if there are no takers, if you're my friend and I have your phone number and/or your email address, watch out...you could be my next mad libber!

Until next time...

Mandy

Mad Libs are a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

Mad Lib Monday

2009-04-12T13:58:00.004-06:00

Featuring D.G! Luckily, she's as nasty as I am.

1-800- PSYCHIC

Psychics are testicles who are sensitive to the supernatural forces happening in this slimy world. It is believed that psychics can predict such things as the name of the vibrator you are going to marry or what your mom is humping for dinner. If you want to talk to a dead turd or a dearly departed dingleberry, a psychic can arrange a seance. Everyone sits around an ashtray in a horny room as the psychic goes into an anal bead and contacts the spirit of your hairy relative. Psychics also use their abilities to help police catch butt plugs. Today you can watch psychics on wet television and call in for information that will help you solve your dildos.

Thanks for participating, D.G. Come back next week, our guest Mad Libber will be Sublime Enigma.

Until next time...

Mandy

Mad Libs are a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

That Explains the Self-Esteem Issues

2009-04-08T13:21:00.003-06:00

Apparently, I look like a girl who is perfectly fine with people pointing out her flaws.

There is a convenience store right down the road from my office. I will not lie, I have gone there quite a bit. But, here recently, I don't go as often because I'm trying to lose weight...and convenience stores are chock full of yumminess that fat girls can't resist. I started working out about a month and a half ago, and I've had people tell me that they can tell that I have lost some weight. And then, this happened...

I walk into the convenience store to buy a Diet Coke and some Cheetos. (I know, Cheetos aren't good for you, but I don't eat them that often anymore and they really sounded good today.) So, I go to the front and lay my items on the counter...

Mandy: Hey Singh! How are you today
Singh: *rubbing his stomach* About as good as you are.
Mandy: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Singh: That we both eat good.
Mandy: What are you talking about, I've been working out and have lost some weight.
Singh: You don't work out.
Mandy: Mother Fucker, yes I do.
Singh: Oh...
Mandy: Thanks for calling me fat.
Singh: I wasn't calling you fat, I just said that you ate well.
Mandy: Mmmhmmm.

So, I have Willie that calls me Clydesdale, the waxing lady that tells me I have "lot hair," and now Convenience Store Singh telling me I'm fat.

Apparently, I'm a beast.

Until next time...

Mandy

MAD LIBS MONDAY!

2009-04-05T19:58:00.004-06:00

I've decided to start something new...MAD LIB MONDAYS!!!

This is how this is going to work...

1. Leave a comment on Friday with your email address.

2. I will email you the list of blank spaces.

3. Email your answers back to me.

4. Your Mad Libs story will be published that Monday.

I think this might be a lot of fun...and REALLY FUNNY!

Here's an example of one that Terra and I did.

Words in the blanks will be Red.

A SPOOKY, SCARY, SLIMY STORY

It was a dark and oozing night. the wind was fucking through the trees, and off in the distance wolves were howling at the cunt. I wanted to get home as fast as my twats could carry me. My poonanie was pounding, and my breath was coming in pulsing gasps. Suddenly, I felt the infested hand of a clam touch my neck, and I screamed merrily. The monster lifted me off the banana hammock and threw me onto the hairy ground. Then, with his hungry hands, he tried to muff-dive the cock out of me. I screamed so loudly, I woke up every dumbstick in the forest. My scream awakened me, too - I was having a slimy nightmare.

OK, what do y'all think? Fun...or dumb?

Until next time...

Mandy

MAD LIBS are a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

You Don't Remember Me???

2009-04-02T07:28:00.003-06:00

I checked my mail this morning, it has been a while since I had made my way to the mailboxes so I had an overabundance mail. Amongst all the junk mail and advertisements, there was a small yellow envelope. I wondered, "Hmmm, who sent me a card?" I opened the envelope and pulled out the card, opened it and this is what it said...

Happy Birthday! Bring this card in and receive $10.00 off your next hair service. Heart, Mary!

OK, I will first point out that my birthday was on March 8th, and the postmark was March 27th. Now I'm going to point out that this card was from Untangled. Yes, the same place that made me cry so hard that when I spoke to my mother, she thought someone had died. The very same place that made me look like I popped popcorn in the 400 hall. The hell-hole where the bitch works that proceeded to get attitude with me because I was not happy that she cut the middle of my bangs so short they wouldn't even lay down...they just stuck straight out.

My bangs are just now getting to a point that I think something can be done with them, so I think I might email Mindy and see if she can make them look presentable. But, I'm contemplating whether I should walk into Untangled before I go to Mindy's, with my hair looking all freaky, and throwing this card at them, pointing to my head and yell, "TAKE ME OFF YOUR FUCKING MAILING LIST!"

Hmmm...decisions, decisions.

Until next time...

Mandy

Music Snobs

2009-03-31T06:46:00.003-06:00

Why is it that the majority of Gen Xer's are music snobs? I have a friend that basically hates all bands that are played on the radio because they are "too corporate." It seems as though for a Gen Xer to enjoy a band or musician, it has to be something obscure or depressing.

I have always had, what my generation, would consider less than stellar taste in music. I am pretty much a radio whore. I very rarely buy music and I never go to iTunes or Limewire. I have expressed my love for all things Horrorpops...I do have all their CD's. But I also have Papa Roach, Seether, Puddle of Mudd, and Staind. Now, I'll bet, that the majority of you that are between the ages of 28 - 40 are cringing at the mere mention of some of these bands. Guess what, here are some others that are going to make you wretch...Barry Manilow, Cher, Poison, Elton John and Gloria Estefan. See, I told you, less than stellar by Xer's standards.

The reason I am bringing this up...I was on facebook yesterday and a friend of mine had "Mindy is unlovable." I immediately jump into friend mode and leave her a comment, "That's not true, I love you!" A couple more people left encouraging words, then a friend of hers posted...

Do none of your friends listen to The Smith's? Everyone panics when you write their lyrics :)

And I don't know why, but that pissed me off. I'm sorry, when I see the word unlovable...I don't automatically think of song lyrics.

Anyway, here are my thoughts on three artists that have obnoxious fans...

Nirvana - I can't stand Nirvana. I know, shocking, given my age. I think someone said that Kurt Cobain was the voice of our generation. I'm sorry, he wasn't speaking for me. I've also heard that he was a GENIUS! What, really? Could someone explain this one to me...

With the lights out its less dangerous / Here we are now / Entertain us / I feel stupid and contagious / Here we are now / Entertain us / A mulatto / An albino / A mosquito / My libido / Yea

Yep, sounds like above average intelligence to me. These lyrics make NO sense to me. Maybe I'm just not that bright or too shallow to understand the "inner meaning" of the song, but come on people. And it really irritates me when people say things like, "Kurt Cobain never wanted to be famous." Then why the hell did he sign the recording contract. Yep, he was a genius.

Radiohead - OH MY GOD, I HATE RADIOHEAD! When Thom York sings, it sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher talking. And the Radiohead fans...probably the most pretentious people in the world. This was my ex's favorite band. I will give Radiohead this...they put on a really good live show. (Yes, I've been to a Radiohead show and I have a shirt from this show. The shirt makes my boobs look AWESOME!) They sound just like their CD. Everyone always talks about how Radiohead is "critically acclaimed." Who are these critics and what the hell are they listening to, because it can't be the same album I'm hearing.

Morrissey/The Smiths - I'm sorry Mindy, but I can't take either one. I will admit, I have not heard the entire Morrissey/Smiths collection, but what I have heard was so depressing I wanted to die. This was another of the ex's favorite bands. I don't know if this is a documented fun fact about Morrissey, but the ex told me that Morrissey was celibate and the reason why was because it helped him write his music..or something like that. The ex also told me that Morrissey was a Vegan. I had to tell the ex, "Maybe he should eat a hamburger and have some sex, then his music my be a little more upbeat." Seriously, I don't think I could listen to his music on a continuous basis and have a positive outlook on life.

So there, I'm done bitchin' about the music snobs.

If you are a music snob, before you look down your nose at someone because of their musical preferences, just remember...you liked Alanis Morissette's "Jagged Little Pill" before the album went platinum!

Until next time...

Mandy

G-Strings, Boyshorts and Pasties

2009-03-27T06:46:00.006-06:00

**Ssome of the language and topics in this post may be offensive to some people. Consider yourself forewarned.

Last Friday night, I met some friends of mine for drinks for their 5th wedding anniversary. While were sitting at the restaurant, another friend of mine called and asked me what I was doing that evening. I told him that I had planned on finishing my drink and go home. Then I looked at my friends and said, do y'all want to do anything else this evening??? That's when the plan came together...

WE WERE ALL GONNA GO TO THE STRIP CLUB!

So, my friend (who is male, by the way) shows up at the restaurant, we go and park our vehicles at my apartment, load into my other friend's vehicle and zoom off to "The Club."

I have met women who have said, "There is no way, I would ever go to a topless bar." Which, I don't understand. I mean really, you're just looking at boobs. Now, butt-naked bars...no thank you . I have no desire to see another woman's poonanie. Much less busted, stripper poonanie. I don't know, it just seems like the butt-nakeds would smell weird. And yes, I use the word poonanie. It's a fun word to say...go ahead, say it out loud POO NA NIE. And, I don't think it sounds nearly as tacky as pussy or twat. Although, twat is another fun word to say...and it doesn't get used nearly enough. Sorry, I kind of went on a weird tangent there.

So we get to the bar and find a table. I feel I need to explain something about Texas before I move on. If you are a stripper in Texas, you have two stripper options.

1. You can be licensed. I'm not sure what the licensing procese entails, but if you are licensed you have to wear a photo ID somewhere on your body. With the license you can dance totally topless and wear a G-string. (There was one licensed woman at the bar we went to.)

2. You can be unlicensed. When you are unlicensed, you have to wear full bottoms (i.e. bikini briefs or boy shorts) and you cannot have exposed nipples. I was told Friday night, that if a policeman came into the bar and there was a stripper with exposed nipples and she did not have a license, he could take her directly to jail.

All the unlicensed strippers I have seen have always had latex over their nipples, which looks REALLY odd. Like they have nippleless boobs. If I was a stripper, I would get pretty sequined pasties or ones with tassels. Come on ladies, ADORN THOSE BOOBIES!

I do wonder one thing. If you are a stripper at a butt-naked and you are not licensed, do you have to cover your nipples even though you have an exposed poonanie? Or, to work at one of these establishments, are you required to be licensed? The gentleman's club industry is a total mystery to me.

Pole dancing has always fascinated me. I am always so impressed with these girls that can climb to the very top and spin, upside down, down to the bottom. And they always look so graceful doing it. I do have one gripe though, it seems like they master one trick and they just keep doing it over and over again. Come girls, mix it up a little. Oh, and the thing y'all do at the front of the stage, where you make your butt jiggle...it's not sexy, it's kind of gross. Here's another piece of advice...If you're going to do a cat roll, learn how to do one properly. Keep your legs straight and your toes pointed. One last thing...practice getting up off the floor, there is nothing graceful about how y'all get up. Try this...Z sit, come up on one knee, then stand up...it's not rocket science ladies. Sorry, another tangent.

Since I'm an ex-dancer (classical not pole) I will only tip dancers that entertain me (Not in a ooh, that turns me on kind of way, but a oh look at her, she's actually making an effort to be sort of artistic and trying different things.) So, this one girl gets up on the stage and not only is she gorgeous, she does several different tricks with the pole and she looks to have some sort of dance training. So, I get some money out of my purse and walk up to the stage. She wiggles her way over to me and gets down on her knees and I am expecting her to pull her bottoms out a little so I can stick the money in her boyshorts. Well, she didn't do the universal stripper money taking thing. No, she put a hand on either side of my head and THRUST IT BETWEEN HER TWO BOOBS!!! And then, proceeded to SHIMMY! I immediately, pulled my head back, and screamed "NO MA'AM!" then I threw my money at her and walked back to my seat. I'm sorry, but do not put your boobs in my face. I don't know you, I have no idea what's been between your boobs and you know what, you have no idea where my face has been. Needless to say, I didn't tip anyone else that night.

Until next time...

Mandy

I'd like to thank...

2009-03-26T12:17:00.005-06:00

So, last week I got a couple of awards! Yay me! Here's the first one...

This is from Karen, because apparently, she likes me, she really likes me! Anyway, here is the description that I stole from her page...

“When accepting this auspicious award, you must write a post bragging about it, including the name of the misguided soul who thinks you deserve such acclaim, and link back to said person so everyone knows he or she is real. Choose a minimum of seven (7) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. Or improvise by including bloggers who have no idea who you are because you don’t have seven (7) friends. Show the seven (7) random victims’ names and links and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Weblog.” Well, there’s no prize, really, but they can keep the nifty icon. Next,in your blog, list at least ten honest things about yourself. Then, pass it on!”

So, I have told you who I received this award from. Now, I will list my ten things...

1. I hate when people won't answer their children in public and the kid just continues to say Momma, Momma, Momma...

2. I am child-free by choice and have no plans on changing that.

3. I have never swung a bat.

4. I say that I don't know how to swim. It's easier saying that than I start to freak out if I can't touch bottom. (I guess what I do wouldn't be considered swimming anyway, it's more of dog paddle...but, I can tread water like nobody's business.)

5. Craig Biggio's rookie year was when I was in the 6th grade. I was in LOVE with Biggio and got very upset when he got married. Then, when he retired, I felt REALLY old!

6. My favorite summer was the summer of 1994. I spent every day hanging out with my Nanny, playing Tetris with her and listening to talk radio.

7. I don't feel like I'm 33, I feel more like I'm around 23.

8. I have a feeling I will never get married.

9. I would love to go back to school, but having that much debt scares the hell out of me.

10. I have a scar on my stomach that is about a foot long from a surgery I had after a car accident my senior year. That was 15 years ago and I don't remember what I looked like without it.

Now, here are the people that I am passing this award on to...

Until next time...

Mandy

I SUCK

2009-03-26T07:14:00.002-06:00

At least according to my mother yesterday. Her exact words, "God, when are you going to post something new? I go look at your blog everyday and each time I see My Eyes! and that's boring Mandy. You suck!"

I just haven't felt like writing much. But, I'm trying not to suck, so here you go...

THE BANGS

On March 7, I decided to go and get my bangs trimmed. I would normally go and see Mindy, but I thought to myself, "I don't want to drive the 12 miles to Mindy's house, I'll just go to that salon next door that has that sign in the window VOTED BEST OF THE BAY 2008! (And, it's right next to the place where I get my eyebrows waxed. So, I figured I could kill two birds with one stone.) I mean, it's just bangs." Oh how wrong I was. I walked in and told the lady, I just need my bangs trimmed. When I sat in the chair, I told her, "I like the to be the shape of Bettie Page, but right above my eyebrows." I also informed her that I have naturally curly hair. So, I was a little worried when she pulled out the water bottle and sprayed down the front of my hair. But, I figured she went to school for this and I didn't, so she must know what she's doing. Then, she takes my beloved bangs and pulls them all together, twists them and then cuts right above her fingers. As soon as she removes her hand to throw the defenseless hair on the floor, my hand immediately covers my mouth while I'm gasping.

Mandy: What did you do?
Stupid Salon Lady: You said Bettie Page.
Mandy: I said SHAPE of Bettie Page.
SSL: Bettie Page's bangs were really short.
Mandy: (As Mandy starts crying) Bettie Page's bangs were longer than an inch from her hairline! I LOOK LIKE BABY HUEY!
SSL: No you don't.
Mandy: (Still crying) You're right, I look like the love child of Baby Huey and a basketball!
SSL: Well, there's nothing I can do about it now...I can't make them longer.
(This bitch just fucked up my hair, then wants to get attitude with me because I'm upset. What is up with that?)
Mandy: (Sobbing) TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY AND I HAVE PEOPLE COMING IN TOWN!
At this point the bitch doesn't have anything to say.
Mandy: Are we done here?
SSL: Yes.

I get up and walk to the front desk and ask the little girl at reception, "How much do I owe y'all for this?" and I point to my head. She looks at me and says, "Nothing." Then, I storm out of the salon. Oh, by the way, the name of the salon is Untangled. DON'T GO THERE!

I was tempted to just go home, but then I realized that the curtains were up on my forehead, I HAD to get my eyebrows waxed. At this point, I'm no longer sobbing...just crying and I walk in and tell the lady, "I need my eyebrows waxed." So, they take me to the back room and I tell her that I probably need my lip done too. (What can I say, I'm a brunette and part German...there's nothing I can do. At least I'm taking care of it and not walking around the city of Houston with a Foo Man Choo!) Anyway, I lay down on the table and the lady starts brushing little hairs off my face.

Waxing Lady: (In a very thick Asian accent) You get haircut?
Mandy: (Starts sobbing again) Yes, I just got a really bad haircut!
WL: Don't worry, I make you beautiful!
Mandy: OK.
She starts applying the wax and ripping it off.
WL: You got lot hair on you face.
Mandy: (Sniffling) Really...
WL: It blonde, but it lot.
Mandy thinking: My hair looks like ass and apparently I'm a hairy beast!
I start sobbing again.
WL: I was off for you, I make you beautiful!
Mandy: OK (sniff, sniff)
**Lots of waxing going on here and I continue to cry.
WL: OK, you done.
Mandy: OK, thanks.

I pay for my face waxing and leave. As I'm driving home, I call my mother. And I should mention that I'm crying so hard at this point that I am borderline hyperventilating.

Mandy: MOM!
Mom: Mandy, what's wrong?
Mandy: MY HAIR!
Mom: What? Mandy, you're going to have to calm down, I can't understand you.
Mandy: I went to get my bangs cut and they fucked my hair up!
Mom: Oh no, what did they do.
Mandy: YOU CAN FIT THREE FINGERS BETWEEN THE TOP OF MY EYEBROWS AND THE BOTTOM OF MY BANGS.
Mom: Oh my God.
Mandy: I LOOK HORRIBLE.
Mom: It's going to be OK, it just hair it will grow out.
Mandy: CAN YOU COME GET ME, I NEED TO GO AND BUY SOME HATS.
Mom: Yeah, I'll be over there in a minute.

So, I walk in my house and go look in the bathroom mirror, that's when I get the full view of my day of beauty. The left side of my bangs came down below my eye, the right side came down almost to the corner of my eye and the middle barely covered my widow's peak. My eyebrows looked really good. But, apparently, the sides of my face had some sort of reaction to the wax and I had little bumps forming on my jaw line. So, when I woke up on March 8, the day of my birth, I looked in the mirror and figured out what I looked like.

A four year old, who found a pair of scissors and cut her own hair who has acne. Happy 33 birthday to me!

Actually, my birthday turned out to be pretty awesome. My mom did come and pick me up the day before and I bought some really cute hats. Not just that, but my best friend growing up came in town from Austin so we could celebrate our birthdays together. (Hers was on the 14th.) If you would like to read about the birthday celebration, go check out Laura's blog...it includes pictures. Oh, and look at my hat...it's pretty cute.

Until next time...

Mandy

My EYES!!!!

2009-03-11T08:59:00.002-06:00

I read somewhere that when you walk your dog, you should always take the same route, so they get used to "going" in the same places. Apparently, this helps with "going" in the house. (Something about the dog smells their own scent or something like that. Whatever it does, it seems to have helped.) So, when I get home in the evening we generally go on our long walk, then three or four times in the evening I take him on the short, "potty walks."

Now, I have lived in my apartment for a year and three months and up until Rogen came to live with me, I had never actually walked through the whole complex. Now that I have started walking through the complex, I've started saying hello to people and Rogen has been able to sniff the butts of a couple of different dogs. What I have noticed, during these little walks, is that A LOT of people leave their blinds open. When I see a sliding glass door with the blinds open, I look...usually to see what kind of decor that person has, but mostly because I'm a Nosey McRosie and just like to look in people's homes. Believe me, when I open my blinds, I fully expect people to look in my window. Anyway, either the people in my complex are extreme exhibitionists or they just forget that their blinds are open, but here lately I have been getting an eye-full on my nightly walks. For example, last night I saw a couple, on a couch, making out with the guy laying on top of the girl, while he was groping the boobie area. As soon as I saw that, I looked away...I didn't want them to think I was some sort of pervert. Then, four apartments down, there was a man, sitting on a barstool, talking on the phone, in front of the window, NUDE...and the blinds were WIDE OPEN! Thank God all I saw was the backal and not the frontal. Seriously, he was sitting, bare-assed on a barstool, just talking away. Who sits in plain sight of a passerby naked?

Anyway, I think I might have to find a different route.

Until next time...

Mandy

I've become one of THOSE people.

2009-03-06T08:16:00.004-06:00

I am officially a crazy dog owner. I look at Rogen as if he were my child. If I'm going to be gone for an extended amount of time during the course of a weekend, I procure a babysitter for him. I have become a regular at Floppy Pets, the place where I buy his special, all natural food and have decided that I have to take him to The Majestic Pet Hotel at least once a month for a bath.

I take him to Terra & Lyndon's house so he can play with their dog. I have actually talked to my friend Terri about setting up a play date so he can play with her three dachshunds.

And, I take WAY to many pictures of him, but when you have a dog as cute as he is...you can't help but be a little insane.

Rogen looking out the door of my apartment.

Rogen playing with an old house shoe. (Both of those antennas have since been chewed off.)

In the car in his car seat.

Another shot of him cruising around with his momma.

Hope y'all have a great weekend!

Until next time...

Mandy

Just a Suggestion.

2009-03-05T07:56:00.002-06:00

OK, I'm probably going to get some flack for what I'm about to post, but I really don't care.

This morning, I stopped by the convenience store to pick up a small thing of mild to put in my cereal. When I got to the refrigerated section, all the milk was gone. Luckily, this convenience store has a McDonald's attached to it. So, I walk over to the counter this is how the conversation went...

Lady: Yes, Miss.
Me: I just need a low fat milk.
(The lady looks at me like I'm speaking Greek.)
Me: Just a milk.
(Crickets chirping)
Me: Milk.
Lady: Milk?
Me: Yes, Milk.
Male McDonald's employee: What would you like?
Me: Just a milk.
Guy to Lady: Leche.
Lady: Ohhhhh, OK.
She enters the order into the computer.
Lady: Uno O Ocho.
Me: Excuse me?
Guy: $1.08

I take my milk and walk out to my car, pissed off.

I understand that people come to America with dreams of a better life and I don't have a problem with that. BUT, if you are going to be working where you have to speak to customers and/or take orders, please learn how to speak English. If I were going to move to a different country; I would, at the very least, learn conversational whatever language they speak.

So, here's a suggestion...If you don't want to learn how to speak English and you work at McDonald's, at least memorize the menu.

Until next time...

Mandy

Willie Strikes Again

2009-03-04T15:41:00.001-06:00

A couple of months ago a posted this. Well, I just got a phone call, and it went something like this...

Willie: Hey Clydesdale.
Me: Hey Willie, what's up?
Willie: Where's Mark?
Me: Out running errands.
Willie: You still married?
Me not thinking
Me: I've never been married.
Willie: Well, you know, I just got divorced three months ago.
Me: Oh.
Willie: When you gonna let me take you out?
Me: Ummm...
Willie: You know you want to.
Me: Oh, Willie. I don't mix business and pleasure.
Willie: I don't work with you.
Me: Yeah, but you're one of my vendors.
Willie: How long has it been since I've been over there?
Me: It doesn't matter.
Willie: OK Clydesdale, you let me know if you change your mind. I'd treat you and your big self real good!
Me: I'll keep that in mind, Willie.

I'm kind of in a dry spell at the moment, I haven't been on a date since December. But, I'm sorry, I'm not going out with anyone who sports a jerry curl and a gold tooth, much less someone who always refers to me as Clydesdale.

Until next time...

Mandy

THE PURSE MEME!

2009-03-02T08:52:00.003-06:00

*Post a picture of whatever bag you are carrying as of late. You CANNOT sneak into your closet and pull out some cute little things - we want to know the purse you last carried. No cheating!*List how much it cost - this is not to judge but for entertainment only.
*If there is a fabulous story to go along with your fabulous purse, let us hear it!
*Post a picture of the contents of said purse.
*Tag some lucky ladies to participate and then link back to this post.

This is the purse I am carrying right now. It's an Ed Hardy and it was a Christmas gift from my mother. We were shopping the day after Thanksgiving and we ran across an Ed Hardy display and I made the comment that I LOVED Ed Hardy stuff, but it was way out of my price range. When I opened the box containing this, awesome purse, I was surprised. I had no idea that the mother was going to purchase something like this. I love the fact that it has a shoulder strap and shorter straps to carry it in your hand. I am also very fond of the size of this bag. Since I'm a bigger girl, I like to carry HUGE bags. I've heard that your purse should always be proportionate to the size of your body. I'm not sure why, but I figure the bigger the bag that I carry, the smaller my ass looks.

The only drawback to carrying a huge purse, is that you end up carrying EVERYTHING in it. After a day of shopping, my shoulders are usually killing me because of the weight of my purse. So, here are the contents, starting at the far left and moving clockwise...

1. Small makeup bag with four lipglosses in varying shades of nude, red lipstick, red lipliner and a compact that is empty, but I keep it for the mirror.

2. Coupon file and notepad.

3. Crystal Light On The Go packets

4. Unopened Landmark Theatres Movie Music CD.

5. Bath & Bodyworks Velvet Tuberose body spray

6. Victoria's Secret Amber Romance body spray

7. Curves Kicks perfume

8. Personal organizer

9. Cell phone

10. Green hinge wallet

11. Necklace and earring set I bought last weekend.

12. Torrid Happy Birthday To You $10 off coupon.

13. Cable for digital camera

14. Not pictured: Digital camera used to take pictures of purse and contents.

So, I am tagging these people...

Weenie

Rice Spice - although she's been MIA the last month or so, so I'm not sure if she will do this.

Hoochie

Princess Talula

Princess Pixybell

Until next time...

Mandy

What the hell is that?

2009-02-27T14:09:00.005-06:00

I was driving home the other day and saw this car in front of me.

I thought to myself, "Hmmm, there is something weird about that car. It almost looks like the paint job is a tessellation. Wait a minute, that's not a tessellation that's...

GIRAFFE PRINT!"

OK, here are my questions...

1. Who paints giraffe print on their vehicle?

2. Why and how do I remember what a tessellation is?

Hope y'all have a great weekend. And, if you live in Houston and are going to be attending the Rodeo cook off, have fun and PLEASE BE CAREFUL! I will not be attending. I think I'm pretty much over the cook off. The thought of parking and riding and then wandering aimlessly, trying to find the correct booth while dodging drunken cowboys* just doesn't sound like fun to me anymore.

Until next time...

Mandy

*Typically, the drunken cowboys at the cook off are not actually cowboys. They tend to be white collar douche bags with a pair of ropers, a pair of faded Levi's, a white button-up shirt, and a pass from their wives to get totally shit faced that night.

THE INTERVIEW

2009-02-25T14:53:00.002-06:00

So, I was visiting Karen today, as I do most days, and decided to participate in the interview post.

1. What is one of your biggest life goals?
At the moment, my biggest goal is to get healthy. I've decided that 2009 is the year of MAKING MANDY HOT! So, I've quit smoking and started working out. But, I will say, my goals change all the time. I'm never happy with what I have at that moment. So, maybe one of my goals should be to learn how to be content.

2. If you were to find yourself dropped in the middle of a foreign country, which would you like it to be?
This is a really easy one. I have wanted to go to Ireland for as long as I can remember. After seeing Circle of Friends, the want and need to got there intensified. I think it's because every picture I see of Ireland, everything looks so green (actual color not environmentally friendly) and pretty. And I really want to sit in an Irish pub and drink a pint of Harp Lager!

3. What is your all-time favorite song? The one that instantly changes your mood?
In the Mood - The Glenn Miller Orchestra.
This song reminds me of tap class warm-up when I was growing up. The dance studio was my safe-haven. It didn't matter what had happened that day, as soon as I walked into the dance room all was right with the world. (It also makes me want to shake my ass when I hear it!)

4. President Obama wants YOU in his cabinet. Do you accept? And which post do you take?
I would take the Secretary of Commerce , because it seems to be the one he's having the most problems filling and I've paid my taxes and am pretty much scandal free. (With the exception of a few questionable choices in boyfriends, but I was much younger then.) Also, I want to get close enough to Nancy Pelosi so I can hit her in the mouth with, you guessed it, a tap shoe.

5. Would you rather be rich or famous?
Rich. That way I can still walk my dog in my pajamas and go to the grocery store in peace. I don't care if people know who I am or not.

Now...I would love to interview you and you and you. So here is what you do:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions.)
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
So come on--let's get to know each other better. And do not fear potential questions--I promise to play very nice. Good times!

Until next time...

Mandy

An Answer to Sublime Enigma's Question

2009-02-17T11:05:00.005-06:00

Last week, Mr. Enigma posted this. Basically, he was asking the question...

Why is it socially acceptable not to wash your hands after using the port-a-potty?
Since we obviously don't have a sink it's okay not to do it?
Is that what is happening here?

Well, when I was driving to work this morning I saw this...

This is a hand washing station, right in front of two port-o-potties.

It looks as if the portable restroom people are starting to get with the hygienic program...YAY!

Until next time...

Mandy

Corvettes, Boats and Ball Sacks.

2009-02-14T21:53:00.004-06:00

I recently got back in contact with a friend that I dated about 10 years ago. He and I were able to remain friends after we realized that we were not meant to be together. I went to his wedding reception and his father's funeral. But, like a lot of friendships, we lost touch after a while. I probably haven't seen him in 6 years and I haven't talked to him in about 5.

So, he and I have been talking to each other for the past week. Catching up on what's going on in each other's world. I, found out that the toddler I saw 6 years ago is now a 7 year old little boy and that he has a 2 year old little girl. When he found out I was single, he told me that he had a friend that he thought I might like. I asked him to tell me a little about this guy and all he said was..."He works with me." Then I asked him, "How old is he?" I was told, "In his 40's." Reluctantly I said, "OK, tell him to call me."

So, he called me last night...

The conversation started off like all conversations do when you don't know each other. Then, it got interesting...

Me: So where are you from, you don't sound like you're from Houston.
Guy: Well, my mom is Indonesian and my father is Dutch. I was born in Indonesia, then we moved to Holland. Then when I was nine, my parents decided to come to America. So we got on a boat and came to the U.S. We went through New York and then got on a train and came to Houston.
In Mandy's head: That's weird, why would they travel by boat?
Me: Really, that's pretty interesting.

**More conversation**

Guy: I've done a lot of traveling.
Me: Oh really, where have you been?
Guy: Spain, England, Holland, Indonesia, Australia, Vietnam...
Me: Vietnam? Why did you go to Vietnam?
Guy: To kill people...
Me: You fought in Vietnam?
Guy: Yeah, why?
Me: How old are you?
Guy: 59.
Me 59!?!?!? What do you mean you're 59?
Guy: I thought he told you how old I was.
Me: HE TOLD ME YOU WERE IN YOUR 40'S!
Guy: How old are you?
Me: 32!
Guy: I have a lot of friends that are your age. Don't worry, I don't look 59.
In Mandy's head: OH MY GOD! There is less of an age difference between this man and my Paw Paw than the two of us.
Guy: Did he tell you that I have three corvettes?
Me: No, he didn't mention that.
In Mandy's head: I don't care how many Corvettes you have, you dirty old man. You're older than my mom!
Guy: I also have four boats.
Me: Oh yeah, that's cool.
In Mandy's head: OK dude, quit telling me about your money. That's just tacky, and you're old enough to be my father.
Guy: I gave my son the acre of property next to mine so he could build a house.
Me: Wow, that was nice.
In Mandy's head: What, are you about to tell me..."I'm kind of a big deal."
Guy: Blah, blah, blah. (At this point this is all I hear.)
In Mandy's head: Oh my God, what is this guy saying? All I can think about is old, saggy balls. I bet he doesn't take baths anymore, for fear that his balls will float.
Mandy: Well, I have to be going.
Guy: OK...call me tomorrow?
Mandy: Sure.
In Mandy's head: There is no way in hell I'm calling you tomorrow.

I haven't talked to my friend yet, but make no mistake, he will pay for this!

Until next time...

Mandy